Childhood Was it a sexual assault?

[That_Weird_Amy]

Hi, I’m Amy, a 17-year-old girl from a country in Europe. I need help, I feel so lost, sick, and helpless. My parents did a lot of bad things, they neglected and abused me since I was little. My mom has some sort of disorder where you switch your mood in seconds and for no reason. But today I won’t talk about what she did. I want to talk about my father. To be honest it's my first time telling this story to anybody. It makes me feel sick in my stomach. When I was a little girl, probably 4 years old, my father taught me how to masturbate (he called it “jumping”). He encouraged me to rub my private areas on his stomach or back, and often he placed his hand on my ass. I was a child somehow I knew it was wrong, but it felt nice, and how could I say no to my father? It happened almost every day when my mother was spending time with her friends. Quickly, I became addicted to this feeling and I even did that with a pillow or stuffed animal. Don't know how I got this knowledge but at some point, I had sexual fantasies while doing that. If I remember correctly it started when I was 4 and ended when I was 6 or 7. At some point, my mother realized what was going on but she didn't really care. She probably talked to my father but he denied everything, and I was too ashamed to tell the truth. Now I'm almost an adult, I never had a partner and I'm not sure if I ever will. I feel disgusted about my body. Since September I'm beeing homeschooled because of FND and non epileptic seizures. I’m unlucky, because at the same time, my father's aortic aneurysm busted out, and he almost died. I'm a horrible person, I know, but I wished him death. Unfortunately for me, he recovered and got back home in November. He is not working since then, and he is staying home all day. I don't have a place to go, and I have to stay with him. At this point my mental health is getting worse every day. Other teens dream of their future careers, but I just want someone to rescue and adopt me, but who would need a child who will be an adult in just a few months? I know that I will never have a true, loving family. Also, because I'm a bit disabled I got this option where my school is paying for my therapist. I met her yesterday, she is nice, but besides private therapy sessions, she is working for the police and court, so I can’t tell her what I’ve told you. I’m afraid that she would put me in a foster care system (and that means group home). I would be tragic for me, because I would lose my cats, who are my only family. Please, give me some advice, I just can't fight any more.

 

[Sideways]

I'm a horrible person, I know, but I wished him death.

You’re not a horrible person. It makes perfect sense that you want a life where you aren’t abused.

she is working for the police and court, so I can’t tell her what I’ve told you.

Yes, you can.

You can also talk to her about your fears about foster care, group homes, and the importance of your cats.

 

[Friday]

I met her yesterday, she is nice, but besides private therapy sessions, she is working for the police and court, so I can’t tell her what I’ve told you. I’m afraid that she would put me in a foster care system (and that means group home). I would be tragic for me, because I would lose my cats, who are my only family. Please, give me some advice, I just can't fight any more.

Whether you tell her, or not, you could also enlist her HELP in getting a job & living situation set up for you AND your cats. So that you neither have to live with your father, nor in care you’re aging out of in a few months, anyway.

You only have this resource (herself) for a limited time. Best put it to use whilst you’ve still got it.

 

[JuLi]

I'm sorry that this happened or happens to you and it was sexual abuse. Maybe you could call a helpline or write to them I think they could give you specific advise and also anonymous. Im not totally sure but I dont think that your therapist has to do something when you tell her also because it also happened earlier and not now (what doesnt make the situation any less traumatic for you at the moment) but I dont really know how it works or if it depends on the country. I dont think that she would just put you into foster care. Maybe you could also tell her this happened to you and not who did it when you are too afraid. At least she could maybe understand some of your feelings and it helps sometimes when somebody sees your pain.

 

[beaneeboo]

Yes it was sexual assault and I'm sorry this happened to you... You're not a disgusting person... what you're feeling is displaced shame- it's your dad's guilt and shame and not yours. Also your mums. You deserve better.

Please get help now like @Friday days, whilst you have it... in form yourself of the information you could tell her without you being removed from home..
The organisation your therapist is working with must have confidentiality policy .. I think it's also plausible to say you aren't getting on well at home without going into details and you want assisted living.. you can wait until you're 18 to go onto it with a Therapist at that stage when you're legally an adult.

When i told T about my dad, i was an adult... it happened many years ago but I've the last few years i have seen him...he wasn't obliged to say anything and didn't because I asked him specifically about it... you could ask your T explicitly about it too... if your T is going to stop seeing you once you turn 18, make sure she's helped you source access to more therapy before she goes as you'll need ongoing support whilst you work through this...

Be gentle with yourself

 

[Weemie]

my father taught me how to masturbate (he called it “jumping”). He encouraged me to rub my private areas on his stomach or back, and often he placed his hand on my ass.

This is sexual abuse, yes. Please listen to the above advice, there are options. Always look for the way to move, in a situation. Analyze the situation, figure out the best way to go through it with the least amount of harm to yourself, and the best way to extract yourself from it - with your cats, and your loves intact.

 

[arfie]

hello amy. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

total empathy on the confusion of surviving incest. i am a child sex trafficking survivor and daddy was the groomer for myself and all 10 of my siblings.

I just want someone to rescue and adopt me, but who would need a child who will be an adult in just a few months? I know that I will never have a true, loving family.

i'm 69 years old and STILL wish for this on a daily basis. these days my imaginary mommy and daddy are younger than i am and eager to provide geriatric care, but? ? ? the essence of the fantasy remains the same as when i was 16 and living in the u.s. throwaway kid camps. . . the perfect family who will fulfill my every need. sigh. . . just wishing. . . is it progress that these days i recognize that wish as a fantasy to while away the confusing hours? a sweet fantasy can be therapeutic if i recognize it as a fantasy while i keep my physical feet grounded in the here and now.

my school is paying for my therapist. I met her yesterday, she is nice, but besides private therapy sessions, she is working for the police and court, so I can’t tell her what I’ve told you. I’m afraid that she would put me in a foster care system (and that means group home). I would be tragic for me, because I would lose my cats.

it is NFF (no f*cking fair), but sometimes we have to pick our tragedy. is the tragedy of an incestuous father greater than the tragedy of living in a group home with no cats? tough choice, but the choice is yours. in my own recovery, i go for the choices of greater options. when i chose life on the streets rather than continued existence in my criminally dysfunctional. i discovered the choices of psychotherapy and peer support groups. my siblings who chose to stay with their cats are still more bonded with their cats than their culture.

dunno. . . i don't much like giving advice, but i freely offer gentle support while you sort the best available options for you. welcome aboard. i hope you find stabilizing companionship here. healing happens. i hope it happens to you.