Childhood Anyone else feel like theyre missing out on something human because of sexual dysfunction?

[romanroyism]

I’m fairly certain I suffered from sexual abuse as a child but my memory of my childhood is very poor so I can barely recall any detail and I was also really young (like below 5). I’ve struggled with sexual dysfunction most of my life, being hypersexual as a child and having ED all of my adulthood. It’s always been a problem for me in relationships because sex is something that most people need and I’ve often been shamed after opening up to partners about my issues with it. Had sex consensually for the first time at 15 because I felt the need to get it over with. Been dating my long time childhood bestfriend for about 3 years and hes been very understanding and helpful in trying to help me heal my relationship with sex so its been making me feel really frustrated that I still can’t be intimate with him.



Hes fine not having sex or trying non-traditional ways of sexual intimacy but its still very difficult for me because my problems are both mental and physical. I usually feel very ”locked out” during intimacy and its hard for me to get or stay hard. I feel like I’m a bad partner because I have to stop after like 5 minutes so I can’t imagine he feels very satisfied and I dont want it to be all about me. Stimulation gets overwhelming for me reallt fast and is usually pretty painful and I cant relax. Usually the advice people give on sex is to either focus on the mental or physical aspect of it but neither like are enjoyable for me. I just feel like I’m missing out on something fundamentally human.



I find myself usually pretending to enjoy what we’re doing because I don’t want to disappoint and I know that I am the problem. I feel really alone in this issue, I’ve tried opening up to friends about it but even if they dont have a negative reaction they cant relate. (For context I’m a 21 year old bisexual man and I currently dont have access to therapy bc a good therapist is very expensive)

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

Depends for me, yes and no, and in-between. Similar situation as you, abused as a kid, very young, no memory but intense trauma... I have sexual "memories" but they're so distorted and dissociated that I can easily say theyre not real even though they ruin my life because my bodies, the places, and the people involved are fictional/removed from reality.

Depending on which bit of me is around I can feel like a inhuman freak for being disinterested/unable/frightened of sex. Or I can be entirely indifferent and comfortable with not caring for it, and believe that I am a person regardless and life isn't all about sex anyway. Or I can feel better than others for not pursuing it/caring :/. Or I can be terrified of other's interest in it and feel unsafe.

I think it is alienating for me to not understand sex and have a very distorted view of it. I have 1 part who has a healthy view of sex and the rest just cannot understand him at all. Partly because I don't feel attracted to others, and have a very distorted perspective on sex, it's very hard for me to understand the appeal of it, as something I don't feel a yearning to do like everyone else. It not being something I aspire to / "need" makes me feel less human sometimes, but I don't know if I feel Im missing out, more so that something's up with me and people will see me as inhuman because of it.

I was hypersexual when I was little, for most/all of my childhood it was an issue, which checks out with what my history probably is. But it was never really directed at/for anything. have been extremely mentally ill for all of my teen/adulthood and that's too crazy to explain here but more sex/trauma problems including wanting to just cut everything off because I was so messed up, and scared of being abused again ++"hypersexual" type dysfunction as well but again complicated... and now that's over and Im fine with my body + not constantly worrying in either direction about sex, I haven't developed the interest for it, maybe I missed the window to develop it normally; but either way, since trauma stuff has been much better I live an even more unsexy life than before, just without the constant torment pushing me in whatever direction. And Idk I take it as a win, to not be constantly preoccupied by the dysfunctions, even if it does mean being being seen as "passively dysfunctional" by others because I haven't got a typical interest/drive for this stuff.




Not that Im perfectly fine and past it all (quite the opposite lol) but a lot of those things are better; I don't live life with the constant, dominating goal of avoiding being abused again at all costs, while struggling with a sexually punishing persecutory part (== uncontrollable sexual behaviours), and also intermittently feeling painfully attracted(??) to one of my abusers, plus some other stuff. It's a lot of noise that just doesn't come up anymore.

 

[Movingforward10]

It sounds like it is causing you distress and is something you want to change.

Have you been to a doctor about it incase there is some medication or treatment that might help?
There is also the online AI therapist on here you could explore and see if anything it offers might help?

Not being male/having the same anatomy as you, I think it's difficult to say. My issues are very different. I blocked a lot out for decades and when the past caught up with me and I could no longer be in denial, the impact on sex was difficult for me. I would just cry immediately after sex and it robbed me of being intemacy with my partner.
However, I rarely cry now. I worked through it. For me it was working through the grief of my trauma. Also, making sure it was my adult parts who were having sex rather than child parts. Also, making sure I only said yes to sex because I really desired it in the moment (learning to say no) rather than doing it because I felt obliged.
Lots of things to work through.
It takes time.
And is very frustrating indeed.