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Thanks, everyone, for your thoughtful replies! I do agree that having a therapeutic relationship with the gender you have survived trauma at the hands of could be very healing, and indeed it has been for me. It's just those very specific female issues and the topic of sex and my body that I am...

I have a pretty good relationship with my therapist whom I have been seeing twice a week for the past two years. We have worked through a lot of hard stuff together and for the most part I trust him and feel safe with him. I have absolutely no interest in finding a different therapist just...

Yes, what you are going through is normal for complex PTSD. I struggle with everything you've described, right down to the migraine headaches and tinnitus, myself. It's been a tough road, but I have grown a lot since I started therapy two and a half years ago. Through much trial and error, my...

I shake a lot in therapy, too, and I dissociate when I am recounting parts of my history. My therapist helps me by helping me recognize what I am feeling in my body, and he provides things for me to do while I am talking about my feelings, like playing with clay or drawing, which seems to help...

I hope you are able to practice lots of self care today and focus on grounding and staying in the present moment. Perhaps you can ask those around you for extra support and plan to do something special today. Anniversaries are tough, but you are brave and taking your power back by taking care...

Nighttime is so hard for me. I have a whole bed time ritual that I need to stick to every night if I want to get any sleep. First, I make a nice warm cup of chamomile and lavender tea or have a glass of cherry juice (chamomile, lavender, and cherries are all said to induce sleepiness). I will...

I was just going to write a post about self-harm when I saw this. I can definitely relate to wanting to see your internal pain on the outside, to make it real. I also cut and burn myself as a way to manage overwhelming feelings, particularly fear, and as a way to get back into my body when I'm...

Well, I'm glad you have a 12 step group you can go to, even if you don't feel you can reach out to those people outside of the group at this time. At least you know they are there, and maybe in time you will decide that it's safe to connect with one of them. I totally hear you. I have a...

I'm glad you "unquit" therapy last week. Are you going back this week? I hope so. I can relate to a lot of what you've written. I also struggle with self-harm and being totally and completely isolated. It's hard. One thing I thought of reading your post, though, was the possibility of a...

It's been raining for days where I am, too! I don't mind so much, as I find it rather cozy and a good excuse to stay inside and snuggle with the animals all day and do some rainy day activities. I totally get what you mean when you say you don't want to be alone but feel so separate from...

Thank you for your thoughtful reply, @Dark Horse. I am still struggling quite a bit with suicidal thoughts and self-harm urges, but I am continuing to do the things that help...going to therapy, writing, drawing, etc. I also just looked into joining a trauma information group that is starting...

Thanks, everyone! Playing with the toys was a really powerful and meaningful experience for me. I will definitely talk more about it with my therapist when I see him again this week. @Chava, I love Joseph Campbell! And Jung. "Play" in therapy isn't all fun, but it most certainly is...

I did it! I told my therapist that I was really interested in his box of toys and was feeling like I just couldn't put my thoughts and feelings into words and needed to do more expressive things with him. It was really hard for me to ask him to get the box of toys for me (I couldn't even stand...

Your replies have really got me thinking. Thanks! Maybe I will work up the courage to tell my therapist that I have been eying his toys and want to open the box of miniatures today. I don't know why I feel so scared to do it. It's funny because I'm working on my master's expressive arts...

I'm curious if anybody on the forum has experience doing any sort of play therapy as an adult, particularly addressing aspects of childhood trauma. My therapist is a social worker who I know does play therapy with children and who has a shelf full of toys and games in his office that I am...

I love my weighted blanket and would definitely recommend buying (or making) one to use when dissociated at home. I only wish I could bring mine with me to therapy. Another thing I find useful is holding a frozen orange. The cold and the texture and the scent can help to bring me back. My...

Oh yes. I don't own a TV and hardly ever go to the movies for this very reason. I am super sensitive to visual/audio stimuli. I do enjoy watching movies that have been carefully selected and deemed "safe" to watch on my computer, but I definitely have to be careful because I'm so easily...

Well, I survived the class. But just barely. It was extremely challenging and I ended up feeling pretty terrible during yesterday's session when we had to do some activities that made me feel vulnerable and exposed. My classmates were all very kind, but it felt like too much for me and at one...

Yeah, I think those larger questions about life and whether I should be doing my program are going to have to wait. I can't really handle them at the moment, on top of everything else. Even my professor acknowledged that this was hard work for anyone (and he doesn't know I have PTSD and am...

I think it's important to remain connected to your therapist as much as possible, @Kefira. I hope you are able to at least talk about your fears with your therapist over the phone and hopefully set up a face-to-face appointment with him, too. I'm still not doing very well and have had a lot...

My therapist said that while it might *feel* like a part of me died, in actuality *all* of me survived and is still surviving. I can't really wrap my head around that right now, but maybe he's right and I didn't really die but was broken and am in the process of re-building as you say, which is...

Yes!!! I am so excited for you on this brave new journey, Sammy. We will be here to cheer you along the way. Go get 'em!

I'm glad to hear that your called your therapist, too, and that she was helpful. Sometimes all I need is a quick check-in with my therapist and sometimes I just need to know that he's still a solid support for me outside of our limited time in the office. We have gone over in sessions before...

Thanks again, @JEKBreatheandBelieve. My therapist couldn't call me back last night, but I saw him again this morning. We talked a lot about shame, and he asked me how it would feel if we agreed to take suicide off the table for now and agree that it isn't an option as long as we are working...

I just left a message for him. I have some really scary intrusive thoughts related to the trauma that I need to talk about with someone, but I'm terrified to voice them, even to my therapist. I hope we are both able to stay safe and take care of ourselves this evening. I know for me...