Discussing Female Issues And Sexual Content With A Male Therapist

[passerine]

I have a pretty good relationship with my therapist whom I have been seeing twice a week for the past two years. We have worked through a lot of hard stuff together and for the most part I trust him and feel safe with him. I have absolutely no interest in finding a different therapist just because it is sometimes hard to talk with him about certain things because he is a man, but this is an issue that I need some support around.

All of my abusers/assailants were men, so naturally I have a difficult time feeling safe around men in general. My therapist knows this. He knows that I was sexually abused as a child, gang raped at the age of thirteen, and sexually assaulted again as an adult. And he knows how hard it is to talk about these things with ANYONE, regardless of gender. Lately, though, I have been feeling this NEED to share more, to get it out, but I feel too scared. I have a deep fear that I will "repulse" my therapist and that he will think that I am as "bad" and "disgusting" as I think I am. Or that he will think that I did something to provoke what happened to me (I know rationally that I didn't).

Last week, I told my therapist for the first time about a relationship that I was in several years ago in which I became pregnant (accidentally) and miscarried. When I started to talk about that incident, immediately I thought, "he must think I'm a slut" and all this other terrible stuff that I have absolutely zero evidence of him thinking. I felt like talking about that relationship and my reasons for avoiding all relationships since was important, but I was too afraid to go there.

I just got my period and am feeling incredibly triggered as I always do when that happens and I don't even know how to discuss that with him. I feel very shy talking about my body and my feelings of disgust with it and the pain that I experience when I remember the things that happened to me (like pain ''down there''). I am afraid that my therapist won't understand, being a man, and I'm afraid that I will make HIM uncomfortable, or that it'll just be really awkward.

I really want to be able to discuss the trauma more in depth and talk about how I feel about my body with my therapist, but it's really, really hard. Even though I know that he is safe, a part of me feels fear in opening up to a man because I have been conditioned to believe that no man is ever truly safe and that I will be hurt.

Sometimes I wish I had a female therapist as I think it would be easier to talk about some of this stuff, but I really like my therapist and want to work through this with him.

Thoughts?

 

[Chosen]

I am a female and I have a male T. It works best for me, but gosh, it's been SO hard at times to talk to him about these sort of things! For instance, I could never say the words "period, menstruation, or time of the month" to him before. I would say "the female problem," or "the thing women have to endure every month." And then he'd reply with "you mean menstruation?" And instantly, my hands would cover my face and I felt so embarrassed. But I soon discovered that he treated me with honor and didn't shame me at all. He was never cruel and was always understanding and gentle about it. It was scary to bring up, but he is incredibly safe, and he's proven that to me time after time.

Sexual things were even worse; I literally had to spell stuff out to him because I couldn't say the words. It was so scary and embarrassing. But he never treated me badly, and he always normalized my fears, questions, and concerns because of the abuse I'd experienced. It's really been an amazing and healing experience. He shows me what a man should be and what men can be like. He is gentle and I'm not afraid of him at all, and I know he tells me the truth about men. He's erased misconceptions of men that I've had.

If your T is good, and you feel comfortable with him, I bet he'll be similar to mine. He'll be honored that you trusted him enough to be vulnerable with him, and he'll treat that information as the sacred gift it is, and then treat you with honor and dignity--the honor and dignity you always deserved and were cheated of.

It's scary and terrifying, but I can tell you that it's so worth it to be able to have a safe man in your life who you can talk to about this sort of thing. For myself, as a heterosexual, having had these experiences of talking about this stuff with my T, I am much more ready to think about having a partner some day and being able to be open and vulnerable with him with these sort of topics.

I'm proud of you and your courage and I hope it goes well for you and that this is a healing experience!

 

[Sammyiam]

Hi Pass,

I personally can only talk to a female therapist, but if you have been with him for two years, twice a week and are trusting of him, I don't think any details are going to worry him. If he has been a therapist for a long time, which by the sounds of it he has, he would have heard lots of peoples journeys, and remember he is a professional and does this everyday. It is probably your own issues that are affecting you telling him, I am sure if you just ask him if he is ok with you giving him things in more detail around the sexual abuse and rape he will tell you straight away what he feels and I'm sure he won't mind if he is a good therapist.

 

[Friday]

One thing that's nice about opposite sex therapists is that they really do have to take your word on how you feel about sex/gender specific issues. For example, as someone with a lot of male friends, if a man is telling me about a wet dream? Sure, I've had spicy dreams, but I don't really leave evidence behind. So whether they view it as victory, hassle, embarrassment, etc.? I don't have a personal view to conflict with that.

I've noticed the same durn thing with my own therapists. I can talk sex and whatnot endlessly with male Ts, very very easily. With female therapists, I can see most of them having to table their own experiences/ values/ judgements when it conflicts with my own.

So, for myself, it simply cuts through a lot of BS to have a male therapist.

 

[joeylittle]

@passerine, is your therapist married to a woman? (or has he been?)

I had the same struggle with my therapist - still do, sometimes, but it's only that knee-jerk kind of shame and I can move past it. But the thing that actually turned my mind around was this: my therapist is married to a woman, and they have three children. I'd be surprised if he wasn't at the deliveries of his kids.

And for some reason, this calmed my squirmy, nervous, ashamed feelings around talking about sex, sex organs, stuff that is specifically female, the whole nine yards. I think it's because I just realized that he knows how the plumbing works.

I'm also actually more comfortable with a man because I don't have to worry about him identifying literally with my pain. That's something I worry about with women.

The topic I can't discuss with my therapist? Body image. I can talk about my body issues with my psych (a woman), but not my T.

 

[Whirlwind]

Sometimes I wish I had a female therapist as I think it would be easier to talk about some of this stuff, but I really like my therapist and want to work through this with him.

You like him..tell him and give it a try. I struggle iwth this but finally blurted out tough stuff with my male T and it went really well considering. I never thought I could share what I did.

Best, Whirlwind

 

[Leigh925]

I have had both a female and a male therapist. The therapist I work with now is male. It was difficult in the beginning but it has worked so much better for me to have a male therapist...which surprised me because all of my abusers were male.

When the time came to discuss the molestation or the rape I found it easier to email him. He actually isn't as concerned with the details as he is my feelings about the details which can be described in less graphic ways. As I have grown to trust him it has gotten easier. Although I do describe things in a very clinical way even in my emails.

He really has heard it all before so nothing I have to say shocks him. I keep waiting for him to recoil in disgust but he never does and I find the shame to be less and less.

I have found the fact that he is male and is so different then what my experience of men has been....has been very healing.

 

[scout86]

Even though I know that he is safe, a part of me feels fear in opening up to a man because I have been conditioned to believe that no man is ever truly safe and that I will be hurt.

This sounds like an important issue and it would be something that would be really hard to work through with a female T.

 

[passerine]

Thanks, everyone, for your thoughtful replies! I do agree that having a therapeutic relationship with the gender you have survived trauma at the hands of could be very healing, and indeed it has been for me. It's just those very specific female issues and the topic of sex and my body that I am still not comfortable talking with him about, but that I feel is extremely important to address.

is your therapist married to a woman? (or has he been?)

I've never asked him if he's been married, but he doesn't have a ring and I'm fairly certain that he's not. Nor does he have children. Good point about "knowing how the plumbing works'', though. Ha!

We have a meeting today and I plan on telling him how triggered I am by my period and perhaps also telling him that it makes me very anxious to talk about these sorts of things with him and discuss my fears about disgusting him or making him think that I am "bad". Sigh. So much shame...

I WISH my therapist would let me email him because I KNOW that would be an easier way to express some of this stuff. He won't allow it (he'll only allow me to bring my writing in to give him to read in between our meetings and discuss in person). Ugh! I have written some of the details of my trauma to share with him, but we still haven't processed it together in person because it's just too hard.

I don't know where I'll begin today. Maybe with a drawing or self portrait out of modelling clay that he has in his office. This is one way to express things that are difficult that I have found very helpful.

 

[Lucycat]

Lately, though, I have been feeling this NEED to share more, to get it out, but I feel too scared

I am a female with a male T.
I got to a point in therapy when I felt as you describe - I just wanted it out. This was not specifically about the abuse I had endured but more about the resulting relationship/ sexual experiences that I felt I needed to discuss and did not know how. I ended up sending T an e-mail. It did cross my mind that the sorts of things I was sharing might get blocked by a firewall at work, but that was not an issue. He replied by email, and I never had to go into details face to face. I felt that it was 'out' and that was enough. However I do feel that I could discuss it further now if I needed to as the seed has been sown.

 

[Superpajamagirl]

I am going through the same thing!! I mean with the whole period issue being a trigger for me physically. Ok so my therapist is a male, I've been seeing him for about three months now. At first it was for horse therapy, and then I ended up needing individual therapy, so I chose to have him as my therapist.

I've been through like nine therapist's in the last four years. This is my first male therpast in a long time, and I really do like him but this last week my mom wrote a note with all my traumas. Now he knows and I'm quiet embarrassed by it. I could never tell him about the things I went through physcially, it's just to embarrassing. I want to trust him, I've tried trusting my other therapists, but they've always shoved me to another therapist and never talked to me again, because they can't deal with my issues. He's great he's different, but now that he know's about my traumas, I feel just awful and ashamed. I see him next Monday, and I told him in my note that I wanted to talk about some of my issues. I'm really anxious, I've been nightmares, and I've never talked in great detail. When I gave the note to him, I just was mute during the horse therapy. I didn't talk to him, I couldn't look at him in the eyes. I didn't mean to be distant, but I am ashamed. I don't know what to do, is he going to shove me off like they all did or is he going to help me through this.

My periods have triggered my body and every morning when I wake up I feel like I've been revictimized. It hurst "down there" and it makes me have nightmares. I can't tell him about how my periods trigger me can I?

 

[Ronin]

I can't tell him about how my periods trigger me can I?

You could always sum it as my body, in this or that phase, is triggering you in __ amount of ways? (Leave out the too personal feeling details about your body itself, focus on reactions & timing.)

And then address how to address everything else around that process if that process itself can't be helped (which might be something to discuss with your gyn or endocrinologist, alternatively)?