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I feel defeated. I feel beaten. I feel silent, like there is nothing left to say or nothing I can say that anyone wants to hear. I want to disappear. I want to just fade away and really be the ghost that I already feel I am. I feel like I'm collapsing in on myself. The weight of this is choking...

It doesn't help that I am homelesss right now and living in my car and just that I've lost everything. I don't feel like I belong anywhere.

I feel like I am. I feel like whatever strength I may have had to cope with the initial incidents and whatever has kept me here so far, is fading fast. I've been here before or at least said these words, but this feels worse. I don't want to be hospitalized because they don't do anything for you...

(((((Hugs))))) I don't have that kind of memory loss, mine is minor compared to that. I do sort of have a similar situation when it comes to feeling. I have 3 beautiful amazing children and while I can remember them and some memories from them growing up, I don't have any feelings toward them...

I'm sorry @SheilaKathy I don't pray. I would imagine that really helps people during things like this. I don't have that.

I haven't posted here in a while. I have been isolating even deeper than before. I am slowly removing all connection to this life, even though most of that seems involuntary. Things are so dark. I can't find my way out. I don't even know how to begin. My brain hurts, it literally is burning...

@AB87 She is SO fortunate to have you to support her. I wish I had that, my nights are horrible and I'm alone. I do have a best friend, but he can't stay with me at night or in the evenings so I have pictures of him, he made me some videos of him talking to me lovingly and I have written things...

Thank you. I am so lost right now and feel like giving up and needed to hear that.

I am quoting myself from 12-11 and I am in the same place pretty much. I want to give in and let them all win. :cry:

Thank you everyone. I feel like I have no control over my life, that this thing has a mind of its own and has taken mine hostage. It's so very dark and lonely right now. I feel stuck. I feel like I'm in a place where I have no motivation to get better, I guess that is called hopeless. At the...

I feel so strange posting here, very insecure for some reason, but this is the place to do it. I can't really talk to anyone else right now and just need to reach out to the community here. I am having such a hard time lately. I feel like a broken record, but things seem to be worse. I started...

@monster1977 You are right! It did help, even if it just kept you alive for a time period. I was hospitalized in November for a suicide attempt and although I didn't get much out of the hospital in terms of healing, it gave me forced safety for a week. I can't even begin to tell you what to do...

I am on my 4th therapist for various reasons, but each time I have to tell my story and in between visits all of my symptoms are at their peak. This time is no different, actually this may be the worst yet. This therapist is better, I think, because she put more of the work in my hands, however...

@StrongerNow Wow, thank you for posting!! I know this is about you, but you pretty much wrote where I am at right now. I have no advice, but tons of support and love for you. I may write more later, but I just had to reply because it touched me.

@laurie71 This certainly does suck, I totally agree. I am not saying that to get you going, but more validating your feelings and identifying with that feeling, as I am feeling the same now. Your kids will look to your strength some day, if they don't already, that you made it through the worst...

@Valentino I am terrible at self love. In truth I was never shown how to do that or that I was really worth anything. Maybe I also thought that if no one else loved me outside of myself, I was somehow unlovable. That is what my new therapist is working on now with me. I don't believe I'm worthy...

Thank you all for replying. I am processing all the information given here. I do realize that I have not given much time to the "good" coping skills, probably because there is no instant gratification and I'm at a point where any effort seems too big for me to handle. I guess I need to just try...

@Hashi Thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply. I feel like I haven't even really started to tackle this. I have not found a therapist or one thing that has taught me how to cope or given me much of anything. I am sort of just hanging out here now. I don't have any coping skills...

@keifer How are you doing?

It's been a while since I felt I was able to post here. I am still not entirely sure that I can put sentences together that would make sense and explain how I am feeling, but I feel like I have to try. I am devastated about what has happened to my life over the last 6 months. I obviously had...

Thank you for posting @brett1982 . You are definitely in the right place. I am still pretty new to what is going on with me and can't offer much advice at this time. All I can tell you is you are not alone and to keep talking here because there are many people here that can not only give you...

@NovemberStar I didn't finish reading everyone's replies, I just had to tell you thank you for posting that. I feel the exact way with my best friend. I have always wanted to be rescued and cared for and just loved. My best friend is the only one who understands me and has taken the time to get...

@keifer I think you totally should and I am not one to normally give out advice. Keep us posted.

Well, I am hounding myself about the life or death decision. I am tired of the roller coaster and dragging people around me into it as well. I feel that either I need to commit to healing and remove that other option or follow through with the other. Not straddle the fence anymore. It's...

Has anyone here ever done a pros and cons list? I am struggling so badly with the decision. I was supposed to take time this weekend to really think and write and listen to music and decide for myself without anyone telling me that I needed to contract for safety or promise to be here on Monday...