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An unpleasantnfirat. Dissociated sex with husband. Not sure how to habdle yet. Nothing terrible. Not sure of much. But, not thrilled. Hoping it’s an anomaly.

Knowing is helping. Re-admitting to myself that (12 years later) PTSD seems here to stay for me. But, Incan manage it when I’m paying attention. Best meditation in a while for me today. Just 5 minutes, but so comfortable. ❤️

Listened to a book by Mirna- something (“Fat Girl Running”). At the end, there was a section that included some mantras to use. One example was, “I love myself unconditionally, right now.” I realized I can’t say it. Not yet, at least. I had been looking into metta meditation before the wedding...

I may be back here more for a bit. I’m realizing that while for the last year or so, I’ve felt like I’m fine. I’m ok. I’ve been mostly constantly distracted. Keeping busy or numbing out somehow (TV, junk food, alcohol, work stress). I will be ok again. But, right now, I’m not doing great. The...

I got married. I managed family, my company continued to expand under my workload. I’ve fallen apart at the seams. Today, being exhausted..... idk. Inforget I have to protect myself emotionally/mentally. I finally told my mother I have PTSD... that I was assaulted in high school. A few times...

I've felt for a while that being strong, not needing help was doing well. Being back here for a minute reminds me how good it is to have a community.

TV/screen time isn't helpful with sleep habits, but I try to end my day with only "nice things," too. (My boyfriend laughs that I watch things like Steven Universe or kids programs because they stay relatively upbeat). Gentle programs, relaxing music, relaxing tea. It helps. Melatonin can help...

Wow. Over a year. Not without symptoms, but looking at the date, I know I just sort of shut down for a while. Losing a parent is weird. A year and a half later, still weird, but less fresh. This election is difficult. The news, the stakes, nearly everything Trump says. And all of this while...

My therapist asked me a lot about how I was feeling physically when I started with her as well. I was frustrated, confused by the question, I didn't feel anything physically. As I struggled with it, she suggested a book: In an Unspoken Voice by Peter Levine, all about trauma and the body's...

I get restless in my appearance sometimes. Especially as I begin, yet again, to try and lose weight. It makes me contemplate changing SOMETHING: dying my hair, getting a new piercing, or often contemplating a new tattoo (I only have one, but it's fun to think about). And today while scrolling...

I WANT A CIGARETTE SO BAD. Gah. DAYS! I've been craving one non-stop for DAYS. I've gone back to losing weight, restricting calories, eating healthy, so no junk food. After a couple of incidents where I was overly honest in unkind ways, I decided to step away from drinking for May & June...

I kind of hope I die today, She whispered as she drove away No likes Mondays anyway And I'm sure my dog would be okay. My boyfriend, he may cry a bit But with time he'd get over it And find another, a better fit In better shape, with better tits. My friend says he'll be mad at me A kind of...

I do get headaches, but it's hard to pin that on any one thing. Jaw clenching for sure. When I'm really anxious or upset I get terribly nauseated. Sex has been difficult or tricky ever since my assault. My breathing can get shallow and fast when I'm experiencing flashbacks, intrusive memories, etc.

I hope to stop being angry soon. I have to work another hour & I want to strangle someone.

And the fun continues. In trying to give examples and help my bf feel better about his upcoming application for supervisor, I reached for examples of phrasing/spinning answers to questions. So I asked, "okay. Am I fat?" And he said "yes." So, fun. I have gained weight since we've been...

Your experiences sound SO familiar. Most of (what I describe as) flash-backs, some part of me deep inside was lucid and knew it wasn't real... But that never stopped the flashback, and I was always unable to communicate with anyone around me, winding up curled up and crying. The only thing I...

I don't handle stewing in uncomfortable situations anymore. After a lifetime of anxiety in an abusive household, I just try to not deal with it... or, more specifically, to fix it so I don't have to be there. When my bf is upset with me, it is the absolute worst. Today I have gotten nothing but...

I'm torn, and I'm genuinely struggling with this right now, so I chose "other." It seems incredibly awkward and rude sometimes, but it's important. It's a fine line to walk with when/with whom... And it's a balance I haven't found.

I made tea, took melatonin, and went out on the balcony to write before bed last night. My bf took it all as me avoiding him, though I was really trying to work through/vent my mixed up emotions. I had been upset with him (as I wrote here), but had calmed down. Journaling wound up mostly being...

My therapist recommended after my couple of outbursts in the last few weeks that I should maybe choose intentionally to be away from social settings for a while... Essentially, if I can't be nice, to not lie to myself & think I will be. When I told my boyfriend, the idea was met with confusion...

Having my boyfriend home has made a big difference (even if there are frustrating moments for both of us, as in any long-term relationship). I don't like feeling like I depend on him so much to help me stay more stable, but I do at this point. Perhaps for no other reason than adjusting to living...

I had too much wine at a friend's wedding and made an ass of myself. I feel horrible. I hope she doesn't hate me. I worry I've lost friends over this, though, and this was part of the problem, they're friends I rarely hear from or see anyway. Not to say they're not good people, but I get the...

My Father passed away March 27. After that, I worked for 2 more days, flew home for a funeral, had an explosive and unhelpful time with my family, came home and just died myself for a week. I did nothing but go to work, maybe socialize a little, take the dog out, and sleep. Lots of sleep. I...

I guess for a moment, I forgot how much I've kept from them.

There's the catch. My mother doesn't know I have PTSD. To explain it would require her knowledge of how badly my childhood effected (affected?) me, and about a sexual assault I never told them about 10 years ago. I've debated telling them, but considering how they take any kind of news... it...