Rising, Healing

[Viosinger]

My therapist recommended after my couple of outbursts in the last few weeks that I should maybe choose intentionally to be away from social settings for a while... Essentially, if I can't be nice, to not lie to myself & think I will be.

When I told my boyfriend, the idea was met with confusion ("are you really that angry?"), a joke ("well, alright. Get out, then. Oh, what? It doesn't apply to me? Damn this love thing."), then when I tried to lighten it up by mentioning/explaining that nothing I've said in these outbursts was untrue. It's all quite true. It's just not kind, or polite in conversation or the settings I said it in, I got a patronizing "okay, honey... Ooooookay, honey." As if he were speaking to a dog or a small child. So... I guess he is included in the whole "I need to keep myself out of social settings until I can be nice" plan. His f*cking joking wish is granted. Good for him.

 

[Viosinger]

I made tea, took melatonin, and went out on the balcony to write before bed last night. My bf took it all as me avoiding him, though I was really trying to work through/vent my mixed up emotions. I had been upset with him (as I wrote here), but had calmed down. Journaling wound up mostly being me writing about and realizing, in a demeaning, hyperbolic fashion, that my behavior lately is my own fault. That I have no excuses to hurt other people because I'm struggling, and that I really need to reign my shot in before I lose anymore friends, or even worse, my bf.

When I came in to go to bed, he got up, went to the bathroom, laid back in the bed and gave me a cold, angry, "well, goodnight." He knows that cuts deep. I asked for a kiss goodnight, which he obliged. I told him that I wasn't angry at him, and that I was sorry. He turned over.

So I laid there. For hours. Full of self-loathing, contemplating the benefits to everyone's life were I to not be in it anymore.

He could find someone more together, less needy, more emotionally & fiscally stable. He could get a smaller place, save a lot more money. He could be very happy.

My family... Well, honestly, life would go on. I'm not super involved in any of their lives. I guess my mom might take it hard, but maybe not. She'd assume I've always been the weak one, the anxious one.

As friends go, I keep a small number. My best friend from childhood would take it hard, but she's lost people before, I know she'll be okay. One friend here would be wrecked for a time, but I know his life would be more productive without me bugging him at work.

And my dog would go to my bf, who I know would take good care of her.

My students would all find new teachers.

The only horrible thoughts that stopped me from thinking this was all the best solution for everyone? 1. My student loans, I don't know/doubt those just die with me, and that's a lot of debt to just give to someone else. 2. I'm not accomplished enough yet to be thought of or remembered as well as I'd like. I'd just be the girl who taught music lessons, not the girl who built a large, successful company. How ridiculous. Money and ego.

 

[Viosinger]

I don't handle stewing in uncomfortable situations anymore. After a lifetime of anxiety in an abusive household, I just try to not deal with it... or, more specifically, to fix it so I don't have to be there. When my bf is upset with me, it is the absolute worst. Today I have gotten nothing but one word text messages returned. This, of course, leads to me assuming the worst: that he'll leave me, that I'll be stuck in an expensive apartment by myself, etc. Almost 3 years, I he hasn't left me yet. But it's always a worry when we fight. I suppose I'm accustomed to feeling abandoned. And when I've needed him in the last few weeks, he's often not be emotionally or physically available. When I try to talk about how I'm really doing, things my therapist recommended, it's not going well.

I guess he probably hoped I was fine. That I was better. And then all of this. I don't think he understands how frustrated I feel, how I HATE feeling like a crazy person again, with my world reeling around me so quickly that all I can do is shut down. But no. It's my fault. I should be better.

 

[joeylittle]

How ridiculous. Money and ego.

Take it where you get it :). I sometimes find the strangest reasons to keep going. Try not to judge yourself too hard on this one. Whatever works to help us bridge over the really dark nights - if it works, it's good.

Thinking of you.

 

[Viosinger]

And the fun continues.

In trying to give examples and help my bf feel better about his upcoming application for supervisor, I reached for examples of phrasing/spinning answers to questions. So I asked, "okay. Am I fat?" And he said "yes."

So, fun. I have gained weight since we've been together. He's not wrong. But the worst part? I don't think he's sorry for it, and he certainly hasn't f*ckin apologized, even just for hurting my feelings.

Why? Because he's been freaked out about the job, and I honestly don't think he feels bad about what he said. Today, the job situation changed, they pulled the rug out from under him.

But it seems lately with friends, family, and even the bf that it's never about me. I'm stretched in many directions, and even when I'm hurting (like now, with a bf who sees me as fat) I get to be there for him.

 

[Viosinger]

I hope to stop being angry soon. I have to work another hour & I want to strangle someone.

 

[Viosinger]

I kind of hope I die today,
She whispered as she drove away
No likes Mondays anyway
And I'm sure my dog would be okay.

My boyfriend, he may cry a bit
But with time he'd get over it
And find another, a better fit
In better shape, with better tits.

My friend says he'll be mad at me
A kind of anger I've never seen
But I'm not trying to be mean
I want to flee, to be so free.

Maybe this will be my time
My way out across that line
Away from all the muck and mire
The shattered dreams and desire

I wish that I could say good-bye
But that option won't be mine
To plan and try would be too sly
Not a good way for me to die

So I'll wait a bit until my turn
Secretly hope to not return
Because inside my soul does burn
With pain and sadness I know I earned.

 

[Viosinger]

I WANT A CIGARETTE SO BAD.

Gah.

DAYS! I've been craving one non-stop for DAYS.

I've gone back to losing weight, restricting calories, eating healthy, so no junk food. After a couple of incidents where I was overly honest in unkind ways, I decided to step away from drinking for May & June (which will help jumpstart the weight loss). I quit smoking a couple years ago, but had a couple cigarettes when home for my father's funeral. And now I want one so bad. I may just... Give in on this one. Idk.

 

[Viosinger]

Wow. Over a year. Not without symptoms, but looking at the date, I know I just sort of shut down for a while. Losing a parent is weird. A year and a half later, still weird, but less fresh.

This election is difficult. The news, the stakes, nearly everything Trump says. And all of this while I'm trying my damndest to keep my shit together because I'm expanding my business.

Today, I just couldn't do stuff. Instared at a list ofntasks, at my computer screen. I wound up inches from a horrible panic after an over-played joke from my boyfriend.

Breathing.

 

[Viosinger]

I've felt for a while that being strong, not needing help was doing well. Being back here for a minute reminds me how good it is to have a community.

 

[Viosinger]

I got married. I managed family, my company continued to expand under my workload. I’ve fallen apart at the seams. Today, being exhausted..... idk. Inforget I have to protect myself emotionally/mentally. I finally told my mother I have PTSD... that I was assaulted in high school. A few times, naturally, she wanted to make it about her. I’m just now realizing that in all of that conversation, she never asked if I’m okay. Because of course she wouldn’t. She simply claimed she’d known something all along.... but said nothing. I’m tired. I’m exhausted. This week, I feel like i can’t get my feet under me.

 

[Viosinger]

I may be back here more for a bit. I’m realizing that while for the last year or so, I’ve felt like I’m fine. I’m ok. I’ve been mostly constantly distracted. Keeping busy or numbing out somehow (TV, junk food, alcohol, work stress). I will be ok again. But, right now, I’m not doing great. The good news is, I’ve been through this before. And this time, I have better friends, better spaces, better habits (which have been pretty lacking lately, but they’re there) to help lean on. Breathing. I’ve got this. I’m ok.