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I created this account back in the summer of 2016 when I first recovered memories of CSA. I eventually signed off in 2017 because I needed to dissociate myself from this, and boy, did I do just do that... Last year, I relapsed so badly in my anorexia and bulimia and alcohol and drug use. I...

thank you for your response. I think it screwed me up more than I like to admit and I want to be a better person.

The other day I saw him on the train. He had the same mole on the left side of his cheek, but he's much older now. I didn't feel panicky, but I felt confused and was kind of like frowning. I stared at him the entire time, and I told myself it's probably not him, but if it is, he'd get off at...

I am now 21 years old. I still feel like a hurt little child who mourns her mommy. I feel as if I have no obligations in the world. Everything is up to me, but with little direction. It's like nothing matters. Does this feeling ever die?

One of the main things i struggle with is impulse control as a growing, evolving adult which continues to throw me off track and scare me. an example of this is that i know consciously i am making irrational decisions in the spur of the moment, but i see no harm in it until it is often too late...

And I see other people so willingly stating how much they love kids, and it's like well I'm not allowed to express any feelings towards them and it's sad that we've been conditioned to think this way, and what doesn't help is that a lot of people think all those who have been abused have the...

When I first recovered memories, I was working as a camp counsellor with children, and oh man it was tough. One guy in particular really triggered me maybe cause he was tall and my abuser also was tall...I don't know but the first day on the job I freaked out at him cause he had the kids sitting...

Thank you for posting this. You are definitely not alone!!!!

Speed donor?

Thank you guys for your support. I feel bad for reaching out so often like this...I think I'm going to try counselling again in the near future. I just really don't want to deal with this at all. It's easier to focus on something else.

I'm so f*cking angry right now I should just f*cking kill myself. I can't shake these memories. I know I had anal sex as a child and I remember I couldn't wipe my own ass for the longest time. In pre school the teachers had to do it for me. I remember I just felt so dirty all the time and I'm...

Throughout my entire life, I've been needy to a degree of shame...Especially from those who bullied me as a child. I remember I was badly bullied during my 6th grade year, and obviously I was hurt, but then I can recall "falling in love" with these same boys that would harass me. I have no...

That's terrible, I'm so sorry to hear that.

About my drama teacher? No, I never did...I was just so naive, and I guess I looked the other way. And the girl, she ended up being kicked out of the school, so she never had the chance to I guess.

I'm so upset right now... I was thinking quite a bit about my sexual abuse trauma today already. I went to boarding school for my last two years of high school, and I never talk about it because I hated my experience there and I just wanted to stay in oblivion. I mean, it's such a blur to me...

Do you ever feel powerless because you know you're the only one with such memories at least that you're aware of? I don't even know his last name, I have no way of knowing...My mother won't tell me anything. When I ask her or my older sister, they say they don't know or remember, so I don't want...

I can empathize with you in the sense that my parents also had rough childhoods and I felt that by feeling however I feel is wrong, but that's not true at all. You feel how you feel, and you shouldn't compare your childhood with your parents. It sounds like you didn't have room to feel what...

Thank you so much for your comment, I wasn't sure who would understand. I've only just now begun to involve myself more in the deaf community. I'm not fully immersed, and it just makes me sad to know I could've been, that I don't know much about a culture I belong to! I researched he ACOA...

@LadyZane Thank you for your comment. As time goes on, I realize that I probably should be medicated, that it may help me because I see these patterns that I can't break...I have a hard time, but mental health in the black community is like unheard of, and I just feel like it's something that I...

And because one of my parents died, I'm like so afraid of fighting with people I love and leaving things unsolved, so I'll always crawl my way back and say I love you, don't die. Something like that. Out of fear.

And thank you for sharing. I didn't mean to quote what you said on my last comment, just meant for it to be a response.

I can remember when my parents split up and I would call my mom and she would say she missed me, but rushed me off the phone and never followed through with commitments. I was always so f*cking hurt. Anyway, we always do this passive aggressive BS. Like just now, I didn't respond to a text, so...

@IamJenna I'm just so upset, like I'm using ALL of my coping mechanisms, positive and negative and it's not enough to numb it anymore. It always comes in cycles. My mom does one thing to upset me and I'm back to where I started. Any time I bring up a memory, she'll be like "Oh yeah I remember...

My mom was an alcoholic and she got sober when I was 13 all by herself, with absolutely no help, but I'm just so upset about everything. We were at the liquor store so often that as a child, I formed a relationship with one of the cashiers and I was always excited to go because I wanted to see...

I talked with my family and they're coming to help me because I'm scared and shook. They're going to confront him and then I'm not going to stay here anymore because who knows what the hell would happen to me or even his family after he's confronted. I'm so humiliated. I liked my area, and I...