Childhood Still struggling with my past

[Stills]

My mom was an alcoholic and she got sober when I was 13 all by herself, with absolutely no help, but I'm just so upset about everything. We were at the liquor store so often that as a child, I formed a relationship with one of the cashiers and I was always excited to go because I wanted to see the cashier. My sister is 16 years older than me, so she was 18 by the time my mother started drinking, whereas I was 2. I feel like nobody in my family understands me. I had a family dinner last night and I just felt so unrecognized and upset that I went home and smashed a glass and cut myself for the first time in a long while. I don't understand why I'm like this, but I'm just so damn frantic now. My relationship with my mom is still up and down, and I don't even know what to do about it because it's all in the past. I'll end up saying hurtful things to which I don't even think she deserves and I feel so guilty. But whenever I would talk about her drinking with people, it's "well it was unintentional harm, and she didn't mean to" but that's not healing at all. But also if I accept that they weren't there for me in certain ways, it's like I'm very resistant to fully acknowledge that because I truly love my parents so much, and my grandmothers frowned upon them and so did the kids I went to school with, so I feel a responsibility to prove what great parents they were. But at the same time, they were social justice warriors that did a lot for the community and so their friends idolized them. I feel like it's best if I just stay away from everyone. I'm going to have a hard and lonely life if I feel like this forever. I also drink quite a bit too, so every time I'm in her presence, like she always tells me to stop drinking. And I'm just like how did the roles get reversed? I can remember promising I would never be like that. My best friend reminded me that when we were little, my parents had a smoking room in the basement and every time she was over, I would tell her not to go in there. And I just feel so angry. The kind of anger, like I can't sleep at night, I'm waking up in the middle of the night and I'm so pissed and ranting to myself in the early hours of the AM lately. I'm a depressed filthy slob, it takes me forever just to clean when I get in these moods. It's not even winter (which is when I'm at my worst). I have dried blood all over my living room from last night and I just can't believe I'm still like this. And then I don't even know how to verbalize my concerns. It's like my sister will call me and I won't pick up. I just don't know how to f*cking be honest about my feelings. I can't even. And I get that I'm an adult now, but I won't even allow myself to get help like that, and I hate that about myself because I need help. I could benefit from help, but I won't even let myself get it. I remember when I first told my mom I was depressed, she denied it and said that depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain in which I do not have. And I told her this and she denied that she ever said that, like continue to deny everything. I'm so lonely too because I'm not an intimate person, and I just wish I was like every other girl who has a boyfriend and I'm not, I'm going to be alone forever because I'm so closed off. Most of the time when I'm drinking, I just cry about my life, it's so pathetic. I stopped smoking, and I've been drinking more since because I don't like to be sober too long because I don't like flashbacks. I don't even know what these are anymore, they're not flashbacks, I don't know what these are, but I can't have this in my head. I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm thinking about this other man from my childhood, actually a blood family member, but I KNOW it's not true, like I KNOW this. My uncle told my grandmother that I sent him porn through social media, and when she told me this, I was just hysterical. Not only do they all judge me and sexualize me like this, but I was the youngest for the first 8 years of my life, so I'm always shocked when they view me in this manner, and my grandmother is religious af, and it's not my fault that I'm more developed than all of them, and I was just like screaming at how untrue that porn thing was. But it has me revisiting how he always called me beautiful, he was always obsessed with how I looked, and I don't know I guess I just feel sensitive right now because I already know that nothing occurred between us. But one time when I was 8, I was supposed to sleepover at their house, but his wife refused to have me over. My other cousin stayed over, and she didn't let me come to the house, but that has nothing to do with anything. I just wish I weren't thinking about him like this. He's a twin, and his twin has always been more like a father figure to me. They're very different. Even his twin has said things, but it always felt that it stemmed from protectiveness, rather than admiration...I can remember always thinking that I'm not good enough for him. His twin doesn't do that, and I've felt closer to him like a dad. I already know that nothing happened, but I honestly think about that often, I'm not sure why. I'm supposed to see them in a month, and I paid for my ticket, but I keep crying every time I think about it that I'm just like no I cannot do this to myself anymore, and I refuse. But I still feel guilty.

 

[Kintsugi]

You really got a lot out here. Bravo. I wish I had more words besides just saying you're doing great laying things out here.

 

[IamJenna]

Most of the time when I'm drinking, I just cry about my life, it's so pathetic. I stopped smoking, and I've been drinking more since because I don't like to be sober too long because I don't like flashbacks. I don't even know what these are anymore, they're not flashbacks, I don't know what these are, but I can't have this in my head. I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm thinking about this other man from my childhood, actually a blood family member

@Stills Hey, I really relate to ur post! Thank u for posting so honestly... I drank for the same reasons to block out the flashbacks but unfortunately ( / fortunately in a sense) just for me it stopped working eventually. But, It really served as a great coping mechanism for a long time before it just stopped working, I suppose ( as someone on this forum most recently pointed out for me ) it worked until I was able to look at the trauma & find new coping mechanisms.
Sorry to hear ur really going thru a difficult time right now & that it's all a bit confusing, I just wanted to say thanks for posting as I could relate to what u said. I also identify with the confusion & feeling overwhelmed by having the intrusive memories / thoughts & not quite understanding what they mean yet without them being processed yet.
It feels like my traumas r like a big tangled necklace, I unpick one part & the whole chain come up & seems more tangled lol!
But it is gradually making more sense bit by bit!
It's really good to know I'm not alone in this! Hope u can hang on in there too!

 

[Rumors]

Wow..you really have a lot to say! There are some really helpful books on children of alcoholics and anger. One that comes to mind is Dance of Anger in which it explains this literal dance we do with anger. As well, seeking out good helpful therapeutic help could perhaps make it easier to work through some of this. There are groups for adult children of alcoholics that are helpful.
My dad was/is an alcoholic. He could be a pretty mean drunk at times...not all the time but at times. I have, as well, felt the need to protect my parents from public persecution so I kept ALL of their secrets my entire life until recently. It's a lot to juggle. You need to remain true to yourself and what is healthy coping skills for you. Drinking, cutting, and other self destructive behavior isn't good! You know that. I have never cut, but I had other self destructive behavior that was ugly and I can tell you that it takes you as far away from the healing process as you can get! Don't waste a lifetime feeling this way. Really dig in and go get some good help now and don't wait any longer.
I hope you can take some positive steps in the next few days. Quit drinking if you can. You no where that takes you... good luck!

 

[LadyZane]

she denied it and said that depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain in which I do not have

Clinical depression has all kinds of catalysts, and a chemical imbalance is only one of them. A chemical imbalance is also not something you can just look at a person and see. Your mom is not a doctor. She is not qualified to make this "diagnosis."

It sounds like she means well in her own way, but that she's not ready to face up to the damage she caused you when you were too young to be responsible for yourself. You are trying to be honest with her and start the conversation to try and understand things and move on from them, but she doesn't really know how to hold up her end of that deal right now. Maybe she will "get it" eventually, and maybe she won't -- so you might want to consider seeing a therapist to start doing the work of processing this on your own. You can still love your parents but it sounds like you really need someone to help you make sense of the things you're angry at them about.

Know that your'e not alone in this! You CAN sort through everything and move forward with your life. It doesn't happen overnight, but it IS within reach.

 

[Stills]

@IamJenna

I'm just so upset, like I'm using ALL of my coping mechanisms, positive and negative and it's not enough to numb it anymore. It always comes in cycles. My mom does one thing to upset me and I'm back to where I started. Any time I bring up a memory, she'll be like "Oh yeah I remember that" and it's like no, you don't, because you weren't there...You stayed home drinking instead. I'm so vulnerable and I'm easily taken advantage of that I just don't know who to blame for my vulnerabilities, and it is my parents fault. My entire upbringing has been about them and their health, I am so f*cked up now. My sister doesn't understand because we have different experiences, my parents were so much younger when she was growing up, and they struggled financially. I got all financial privileges, but they were f*cking addicts and sick from those consequences throughout my childhood. It's like everyone feels guilty around me too because they know they weren't there, so all I want is my own life. They all f*cked me over. I can't stand these feelings. I can't stand it. I want to like Christmas and being with my family, and I f*cking don't because all my experiences are so f*cking isolated, and it's too hard to continue to overlook that. I try so hard for my mom, I've told her how much I love her throughout my life, and it's like it's never enough. I feel like she doesn't give a damn how I feel. She's so unemotional, so when we're in deep conversation and I see her eyes well up, it's too f*cking much for me, and I just feel the guiltiest. I just can't do this anymore. I feel like it's best to just stay away until I feel better again. My parents are lesbian, I have 2 moms and my birth mom died when I was 15, and my alcoholic mom wasn't there for that, whilst I took care of my dying mother as a child, so it's just like I'm sorry but it's too f*cking late. Every time I'm depressed or angry, like I will always go back to the fact that I'm alone and my experiences are isolated. I am way too damaged. I need to move countries I feel like. And then people just tell me that I'm selfish, and I'm like how???????????? Those women f*cked up my life emotionally and mentally, I'm unapologetic.

 

[Kintsugi]

so it's just like I'm sorry but it's too f*cking late.

I really, really relate to this. Hard.

 

[Mach123]

Yes I have all this. My alcoholic stepfather was really violent too. Escaping from he and my mother was one of the hardest things I ever did. I still really resent that because it should have empowered me? I just realized after the last time the cops drove away they were never going to take me with them and put me in a cell so Id' be safe from those monsters. It just dawned on me I was going to have to rescue myself. It didn't empower me though. They used to have me "make them a high ball" I feel sick still when I think about it. Then there was all this sexual stuff going on outside the home. sigh. I think I was 20 or so and I got drunk with this girlfriend I had and I started sobbing trying to tell her about them. (my wonderful mom and stepdad) That was the first time I had ever tried to mention it. I was 14 or 15 and I just ran away to my dad's and moved in and I never told him why. I couldn't talk about it. They came and tried to get me and bring me home. I don't even think I said anything, I was just like "no". My mom called me hysterical sobbing telling me to "come home." It was her I was trying to escape from. (she knew it)

The rest of my life was a catastrophe. I mean I want to laugh when I write it down like that but people used to say to me to just get over it too. Just get over yourself. I always kept going to therapy though. It all came out much later. You are lucky if you can get started now. At least you can say it out loud.

 

[IamJenna]

@Stills

Every time I'm depressed or angry, like I will always go back to the fact that I'm alone and my experiences are isolated.

I so relate to this! When I'm triggered my head starts with the "I'm all alone & where's my family to depend on? I was there for my mum all these years but now who's left for me?". It's really such an overwhelming feeling I feel after these kind of abandonment thoughts. I guess I have a lot of fear of abandonment & fear of not being able to cope. It's good to be able to actually be aware of these & talk it out here & in counselling though, before I wasn't even aware at all I would just fly into the panic & then just try & put a brave face back on once the episode had stopped if u know what I mean until next time it happened again :/ lol.

got all financial privileges, but they were f*cking addicts and sick from those consequences throughout my childhood. It's like everyone feels guilty around me too because they know they weren't there, so all I want is my own life. They all f*cked me over. I can't stand these feelings.

I can also relate to this, I didn't have financial privileges but my mum would always quickly tell me how grateful I should be that I have a roof over my head & food on the table (when she remembered & wasn't holed up in her room with no food in the cupboards!! which she would conveniently forget about those memories at times hmm lol)... But it just doesn't justify not having had real care & support & a healthy kind of love from a parent.
It's such a f*cking heart wrenching experience to have to face up to the real harsh realities of my truthful experiences in my childhood. However I'm so very grateful to begin to have a voice & finally stand up for myself instead of people pleasing everybody else & selling myself short just to help other people feel better about themselves!
This is my only chance at living a real whole life for myself & I don't wanna waste it on protecting someone else who didn't seem to think about me back in the day.
Really sorry to hear that ur really having to go thru it atm, It will pass! Just hope it passes quickly for u!!
Thanks for ur honesty! It's great to read & identify!!

 

[Stills]

Yes I have all this. My alcoholic stepfather was really violent too. Escaping from he and my mother w...

I can remember when my parents split up and I would call my mom and she would say she missed me, but rushed me off the phone and never followed through with commitments. I was always so f*cking hurt. Anyway, we always do this passive aggressive BS. Like just now, I didn't respond to a text, so she went on my facebook and liked a bunch of my posts...LOL...And when I was living with her and we'd fight, we wouldn't talk, but she'd cook a meal for me as a way to apologize or because she feels bad because she never cooks... And it's like I'm so sick of this. I just roll my eyes when she does this. She really knows how to make me feel guilty, honestly. She'll say "well, I have feelings too!" etc. She'll go on this whole thing about how I blame others for my problems, that I'm an adult now. Like she can be so manipulative and demeaning with her words, saying things like "I suggest that you be more productive with your days, and my hope for you is that you will love yourself" bla bla and honestly they're so damn extra that I have to delete the texts, I can't even fully read them because it's the same crap every time, like she resorts to this, it's actually so patronizing. Once she sent me my psych eval as to prove her point that I'm unstable and "get in these moods" Like WTF. No wonder I so blatantly do this shit to others.

 

[Stills]

Yes I have all this. My alcoholic stepfather was really violent too. Escaping from he and my mother w...

And thank you for sharing. I didn't mean to quote what you said on my last comment, just meant for it to be a response.

 

[Stills]

And because one of my parents died, I'm like so afraid of fighting with people I love and leaving things unsolved, so I'll always crawl my way back and say I love you, don't die. Something like that. Out of fear.