What Can You Glean From Old Photographs?

[Chava]

There are very few photos of me as a baby or kid. I don't actually expect to understand much through looking at them. I know I have developmental trauma stuff. So for me it's kind of interesting to see that I looked like a newborn at 2 months. I also looked dead (not peaceful sleeping but not stiff, just dead-like and not at all connected to whatever was holding me). Beyond the dead-looking months, I look scared in any pic where someone is holding me...mom, another relative...doesn't matter. I'm smiling in some photos when I'm on my own, in my own space.

No pics of me as a newborn (no pics until I came home from hospital). And then up until about a year old, they are depressing to me. I'm actually not going to make much of it. But without finding the exact words, it makes sense. I have pictures from early adulthood that remind me how void I was...can't believe I survived that level of shutdown. The "me" or living person was so muted. I still feel that sometimes but try to function above it. It's hard to relate to all of these versions of myself.

Do you feel anything looking at old pictures (whether from childhood or before or after trauma)? Have they ever helped you put together any lose pieces?

 

[InvisibleSun]

I can so relate to this. Looking at old photographs of myself can be really difficult for me at times. There are a few baby pictures but I look sick, sad frail, and tired. I looked like an alien fetus whose head had been ran over by a monster truck when I was born. That same tired, sad look has always shown through my eyes and as life began to chip away at my spirit year after year, the pictures reflect that. And I cant STAND looking at pictures of me from my early 20's..my eyes are dead and hollow. Again, I look sick and frail, but this time not from illness, but from being ravaged by drug use..
My old photographs have helped me find a lot of strength though because they allow me to see how far I've come. I guess they give me hope that one day I won't be so sad and tired anymore.

 

[jaccat]

I have trouble looking at pictures of myself when I was younger. I never used to, I used to just see a picture of a little girl, just like any other. But then a few years ago I started to recognise in them signs of what was going on in my life.

I was diagnosed with a particular form of brain damage at birth. I don't have it, but upon reading about it I realised that I was physically displaying one of the symptoms from birth. Now, when I look at any baby photos of me that's what I see.

I also had serious food issues and was severly malnourished from birth up to the age of 8. Where I just used to see a smiling little girl, now I see a distorted child, her head barely able to be held up by her frail body, stick thin limbs and pale skin. In any picture where I am with a peer I look like a shadow, or a ghost.

I nearly died when I was eight. There's a picture of me dad took when I left the hospital, standing under the front porch. Dad said I 'looked like I was about to blow away in the wind'. There are a few pictures from around this time. In one, I appeared in a school production of the Wizard of Oz. Even with my shirt stuffed full of straw I am a third of the size of the other kids and as white as a sheet.

I also hate seeing a change in pictures from when I was around 5 years old. Most pictures before that I am smiling. After that time not.

There's a school photo from when I was eleven in which I look like one of the teaching assistants rather than a member of the class. I look about nineteen, stuck in a crowd of children.

It angers me to see how obvious it was that something was so wrong and yet no one stopped to question it.

 

[Chava]

My old photographs have helped me find a lot of strength though because they allow me to see how far I've come. I guess they give me hope that one day I won't be so sad and tired anymore.

True. And this also reminds me of a couple of the photos where I was really smiling from inside...like I was getting really good at standing up, or it was my birthday and my grandparents came over, or just smiling. Like there was a "me" in those photos and connecting to that. Like most kids I was really curious (still am), but I also think wanting to just be full of joy and wonder, no.t fear.

Where I just used to see a smiling little girl, now I see a distorted child

That's sort of how the baby pics looked to me...distorted. I couldn't put my finger on it. Babies have a way of sleeping deeply and peacefully. My eyes were closed but I didn't quite look asleep or awake, just not present somehow (and incredibly tiny...really like a 1-2 month old fetus out and about in the world)

It angers me to see how obvious it was that something was so wrong and yet no one stopped to question it.

:(

My personality was not quite the same through these years (based on bits of memory and photos). A smiling self that is somehow vibrant and a very timid self that doesn't even have smiling muscles but wants to curl into a shell. I'm not talking distinctly different personalities but probably like modes of operations (think of one as probably coming from excess adrenaline, while other from more shutdown part of nervous system). I spend entire years in one or the other, but hopefully coming more toward a balance. I don't want to have to mentally tell myself to smile at work or feel like the muscles in my face don't even work right.

(:):):))

 

[ihateusernames]

I guess I'm old. There aren't many baby and toddler pictures of me. Plus my mom has them all put away somewhere so I never see them any more.

But I do know what you mean. I've thought the same before. I looked like a regular baby, fuzzy headed, drooling, grinning thing. I looked like a mess as a toddler and small child, I was "boyish" and always dirty and scruffy with messed up hair, but I looked happy enough. Starting at 6 or 7 years old they changed. I didn't smile, even in school pictures it looks fake, I started getting fat and looked almost startled in all of them. It's weird. Then I wonder if maybe my perception is just off and other people would think they look perfectly normal. I don't know.

And I can tell where things finally went to total shit based on progress reports and report cards. They go from normal progression and no comment or "Great Job!!!" "wonderful student" "a joy to have in class" to things like "doesn't socialize" "withdrawn" "needs to work on social skills" "always lost in her own world" "doesn't pay attention" "daydreaming during lessons" and then I was withdrawn from the gifted program because I wouldn't interact with the other kids. Fair enough; these things can also come from completely normal children. But you would think somebody would have thought something of it. Maybe they did and there was nothing they could do. The 80s were a different time. These days teachers and school administrators jump on things that don't even have meaning.

 

[Hope4Now]

I've been slowly going through old photos from the boxes from after we sold my mother's condo last spring. It is a very unsettling experience. There are a handful of photos of me as a baby and young kid. Most of the photos are from around age 11 and up which is, I think, when my father bought a fancy camera for himself (which I still have, and which is still nice! An old-fashioned FILM camera!) I'm not smiling in most of the photos from when I was young. Mostly I look startled as a baby and defensive and tough as a little kid. I'm pulling away from people holding me in most of the photos. Mostly, I feel sort of sick to my stomach when I look at them. It's on my list to do to go through them again. I think there is something for me to learn about myself from doing this if I can manage to stay present and not get flooded. It's hard to look at the photos of me as an older kid and a teen because they force me to connect myself with myself. Yes, I was real. Yes, I had a childhood. It was mine. Ewww.

 

[Chava]

@ihateusernames yes, you'd think someone would notice. It's hard to know. I was "shy" which is pretty normal. I also needed extra tutoring at some point, also not abnormal. The blankness though, I seem to notice that in others and check on kids who concern me (through appropriate channels).

These days teachers and school administrators jump on things that don't even have meaning.

Okay, whoa nelly...blanket statement...I worked in the schools for a long time and every teacher I met cared a lot, minus a couple who were exhausted and wanted to care more. They are paying attention to some 10,000 things at once and these days increasingly have their hands tied and are pushed to focus on sometimes meaningless things because of the political background and over-regulation of what they are doing. Not as much room to be creative and maybe not as much room to work on the relationships with all the pressure (how many days are kids taking tests now?). Sorry, I had to point that out because teachers get blanket attacks all the time and it's not fair. Step in their shoes and most people would last five minutes.

 

[ihateusernames]

I think you're taking my comment the opposite of what it was meant to be @Chava . When I was a kid people took an entirely different approach to things. Things like child abuse and relentless bullying were considered a normal part of life, and I guess people were still of the mindset that what happened inside of a family's home was their own business.

These days there is a much greater awareness of the signs of abuse, neglect, etc. To the point where a teacher, doctor, counselor, administrator, whomever, will worry over something that in reality is insignificant. I am of the better safe than sorry opinion, but it does happen. I'm not trying to criticize teachers. I was one ;) and I have many friends who still are.

 

[Chava]

Ahhhh... Thanks @ihateusernames . I get it.

 

[ihateusernames]

No problem! What I wrote probably wasn't very coherent. It's usually not. LOL

 

[sun seeker]

Do you feel anything looking at old pictures (whether from childhood or before or after trauma)? Have they ever helped you put together any lose pieces?

I have so very few, it's hard to glean very much. Mostly I have a kind of spacey look, but in one from age four (tiny black and white passport photo) I seem pretty cheerful. It's in the ones from about age six on that I have a really distant expression and start looking messy, like my clothes don't fit and my hair hasn't been washed.

 

[Chava]

It's hard to look at the photos of me as an older kid and a teen because they force me to connect myself with myself. Yes, I was real. Yes, I had a childhood. It was mine. Ewww.

Teen ones are hard for me too, mostly remembering how messed up I was. It's hard, but is there any good connection you've noticed? Like holding a favorite thing or doing something you like? Yes, the old cameras! I have very few early photos because it was probably such a project to develop pics. The camera and developing film seemed more interesting to my family in later years. So they aren't all group pics and me looking freaked out. One in an insane outfit I put together, which reminded me I often had a sort of offbeat free spirit anyway. Little things like that...I try to notice that too...that was me...and forgive myself for being such a mess.

It's in the ones from about age six on that I have a really distant expression and start looking messy, like my clothes don't fit and my hair hasn't been washed.

:( Do you relate to the cheerful self at all? I'm not totally sold on connecting to past parts of me, but I read something about accessing positive resources from the past, whatever they might have been, as a sort of way to access them now but also feel some sense of self-continuity. The best one for me doesn't come from a picture or even normal memory, but my ability to access sound and do something internal with it...connects me even to my helpless baby self...that I always had this resource and part of me that had some power.