Hi all
I'm new here. I was brought to this site by google "gravol abuse and ptsd", because I've been abusing gravol almost daily for a little over a year now while at work in order to get me through the day. I've also been self- medicating with weed daily (been diagnosed with cannabis use disorder and gravol use disorder.. which I didn't even know what a thing). I don't smoke weed before or during work (I replace it with gravol during these hours), but as soon I get home it's the first thing I do before anything else. It's like I don't feel 'myself' until I'm high...which is a dichotomy.
The reason I started self-medicating was to cope with the escalating emotional, verbal and physical abuse in my marriage and the unfamiliar, unpleasant thoughts, emotions and behaviors it was eliciting in me. But of course, the more weed I consume on a daily basis, the more exacerbated and irrational the thoughts, beliefs, emotions and behaviors become... allowing my spouse to use gaslighting to convince me that my weed use is the problem; not the abuse or the devastating impact it's had on me, or the possibility that this 'sudden undesirable change in character' could be a trauma response.
I'm extremely emotionally reactive, when I wasn't prior to this relationship. I find myself acting out during arguments in ways that are frightening and foreign to me (yelling, screaming, name-calling, slamming doors, uncontrollable crying/hyperventilating), then I end up feeling worse because I've engaged in the same abusive behaviors that have hurt me so deeply, and I feel like an inherintly bad or flawed person, deserving of the maltreatment. Sometimes all my spouse has to do is tell me some mundane fact about her day, and for whatever reason (its often not clear to me at first) I'm having an unpleasant physiological response (knot in my stomach, warm rush up throat, heart palpitations) and I'm FILLED with rage, fear and an all encompassing sense of betrayal. I then act out accordingly, creating threat where there was none in the first place.
When I'm not 'acting out' or emotionally dysregulated in some fashion, I feel far away and disconnected from other people, the world and myself. I feel disconnected from my thoughts and emotions, and sometimes don't recognize myself in the mirror. My social anxiety has sky rocketed and I can hardly tolerate even small talk with co-workers, nor can I seem to hold eye contact with people longer than 5 seconds when I'm speaking. My self-esteem/sense of self is so shot/convoluted that people in general have become triggering.
I guess what I'm just wondering, is if it's possible to develop C-PTSD from intimate partner violence/domestic abuse in adulthood. Most of what I've read, states it is developed from childhood abuse, which I didn't experience (but my spouse has, which is a major factor in how I justify/explain/rationalize some of her abusive behaviors toward me and convince myself it's not her fault/it will change if she got help). But the signs and symptoms all resonate with me.
Can prolonged Intimate Partner Violence/Domestic Abuse in adulthood, cause C-PTSD in adults?
I'm new here. I was brought to this site by google "gravol abuse and ptsd", because I've been abusing gravol almost daily for a little over a year now while at work in order to get me through the day. I've also been self- medicating with weed daily (been diagnosed with cannabis use disorder and gravol use disorder.. which I didn't even know what a thing). I don't smoke weed before or during work (I replace it with gravol during these hours), but as soon I get home it's the first thing I do before anything else. It's like I don't feel 'myself' until I'm high...which is a dichotomy.
The reason I started self-medicating was to cope with the escalating emotional, verbal and physical abuse in my marriage and the unfamiliar, unpleasant thoughts, emotions and behaviors it was eliciting in me. But of course, the more weed I consume on a daily basis, the more exacerbated and irrational the thoughts, beliefs, emotions and behaviors become... allowing my spouse to use gaslighting to convince me that my weed use is the problem; not the abuse or the devastating impact it's had on me, or the possibility that this 'sudden undesirable change in character' could be a trauma response.
I'm extremely emotionally reactive, when I wasn't prior to this relationship. I find myself acting out during arguments in ways that are frightening and foreign to me (yelling, screaming, name-calling, slamming doors, uncontrollable crying/hyperventilating), then I end up feeling worse because I've engaged in the same abusive behaviors that have hurt me so deeply, and I feel like an inherintly bad or flawed person, deserving of the maltreatment. Sometimes all my spouse has to do is tell me some mundane fact about her day, and for whatever reason (its often not clear to me at first) I'm having an unpleasant physiological response (knot in my stomach, warm rush up throat, heart palpitations) and I'm FILLED with rage, fear and an all encompassing sense of betrayal. I then act out accordingly, creating threat where there was none in the first place.
When I'm not 'acting out' or emotionally dysregulated in some fashion, I feel far away and disconnected from other people, the world and myself. I feel disconnected from my thoughts and emotions, and sometimes don't recognize myself in the mirror. My social anxiety has sky rocketed and I can hardly tolerate even small talk with co-workers, nor can I seem to hold eye contact with people longer than 5 seconds when I'm speaking. My self-esteem/sense of self is so shot/convoluted that people in general have become triggering.
I guess what I'm just wondering, is if it's possible to develop C-PTSD from intimate partner violence/domestic abuse in adulthood. Most of what I've read, states it is developed from childhood abuse, which I didn't experience (but my spouse has, which is a major factor in how I justify/explain/rationalize some of her abusive behaviors toward me and convince myself it's not her fault/it will change if she got help). But the signs and symptoms all resonate with me.
Can prolonged Intimate Partner Violence/Domestic Abuse in adulthood, cause C-PTSD in adults?
are not synonymous, as in 
