PerfectlyUnknown
New Here
Hello, I’m new here lead here by AI and in need of advice.
I’m a 28 year old black woman from the uk and this is going to be a long post, If you have the patience please read it and reply with advice as I’m really in need of it.
I’m really high and upset, so prepare for spelling mistakes and nothing making sense but if you decide to read and reply then thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Substance abuse mention, existential crisis and idk what else sorry.
TLDR;
Currently using weed as a crutch and it’s intensifying my derealisation, existential dread & other mental illnesses. How to feel comfortable enough with shifting through dissociative states enough to be able to feel like a human and live?
Am I experiencing something else that I have not mentioned?
I do not have a therapist at the moment as I recently had to let go of one I found. I will look into a trauma informed one, please do not bring up therapy unless you have advice on what to say to them to convey this or how to find somebody who is equipped enough to help me.
I have left out more things that I think would be beneficial.
-
I’ve been officially diagnosed with C-PTSD, recurrent depression and cannabis dependent.
I strongly believe I also have(Quiet) Borderline personality disorder, DPDR and I’m not sure whatever else. I think my symptoms aren’t strong enough to be considered an illness.
This post from 2024 explains how my dissociation works (it’s a near perfect explanation of it)
I dont feel like i'm here. I've lost my sense of self and dont know what to do
-
I want to stress that I experienced dissociation well before I started using weed regularly.
The weed has only intensified my dormant dissociative emotions and even had negative effects on my mood as it worsened my derealisation due to smoking.
I recently made a discovery about my childhood during a weed trip and it has been really weird? I remember this memory which I will called trauma 1 and never had any thoughts about it, maybe I cringed and thought about how I shouldn’t have done that and moved on but this time it was different. This time I fully broke down and realised how wrong and fully disturbed I am due to what happened to me and also other experiences over the years that continued to shape me and also put me in an enclosed box for my freeze response.
The thing is, I find comfort in my dissociation at times. When I do not over do it with the weed and by a miracle from queen gaia herself (a joke, as I have fully stopped believing in Christ. Happened throughout the years of my teen-young adult years. Not due to the weed and I had a brief period of loving Greek mythology)
When I leave the house that’s when my dissociation stops working, or sometimes when I’m at anime, or when I smoke too much weed. Or whenever. There’s no balance when it comes to it but I am scared and frightened of living in the “real world” my maladaptive daydreaming and dissociation kept me comforted throughout my life when no one else looked my way or cared for me, how can I leave that type of comfort behind?
I don’t want to be like this all broken and going through the motions of emotions and feeling myself going through the dissociative states like a vampire turning on and off their humanity (The Vampire Diaries reference, not important if you don’t know)
As I think I have said, I used ChatGPT to put into words how I feel and they were able to get it really well.
“Everything they said tracks with someone who feels unseen, untouched, unchosen, and is finally letting themselves feel the anger about it instead of just the numbness.
The loneliness isn’t social — it’s existential.
DPDR amplifies it
They want unconsciousness because consciousness feels unbearable.
It’s emotional exhaustion, not a death wish.
What they’re experiencing isn’t dramatic — it’s a real psychological phenomenon called attachment grief.
Not grieving a person — grieving an entire missing chapter of being loved, pursued, or wanted.”
How does someone “fix” existential loneliness?
because that’s how I feel. I feel disconnected to absolutely everyone and that no one can possibly understand what I’m going through (even though I KNOW people who have it worse. Perhaps they don’t have DPDR but still)
Missing an entire chapter of feeling loved, cared for, pursed or wanted.
I felt so invisible and I know this is all dramatic due to the emotional distress.
Can anyone help me? I am drowning.
I have told my one friend to keep taking me out of the house and so we are doing I think so far 1 thing together that I’ve always wanted to do and is really positive. There’s 1 more thing I have booked at the end of the next month but throughout next month I hope to keep going to this new place and trying out their mindfulness stuff and seeing how I feel but apart from that, idk what to do or what’s going on.
I’m scared of going into psychosis or having a psychotic break (it runs in the family) but at the same time weed gives me comfort and helps me deal with the world I cannot bear.
I’m a 28 year old black woman from the uk and this is going to be a long post, If you have the patience please read it and reply with advice as I’m really in need of it.
I’m really high and upset, so prepare for spelling mistakes and nothing making sense but if you decide to read and reply then thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Substance abuse mention, existential crisis and idk what else sorry.
TLDR;
Currently using weed as a crutch and it’s intensifying my derealisation, existential dread & other mental illnesses. How to feel comfortable enough with shifting through dissociative states enough to be able to feel like a human and live?
Am I experiencing something else that I have not mentioned?
I do not have a therapist at the moment as I recently had to let go of one I found. I will look into a trauma informed one, please do not bring up therapy unless you have advice on what to say to them to convey this or how to find somebody who is equipped enough to help me.
I have left out more things that I think would be beneficial.
-
I’ve been officially diagnosed with C-PTSD, recurrent depression and cannabis dependent.
I strongly believe I also have(Quiet) Borderline personality disorder, DPDR and I’m not sure whatever else. I think my symptoms aren’t strong enough to be considered an illness.
This post from 2024 explains how my dissociation works (it’s a near perfect explanation of it)
I dont feel like i'm here. I've lost my sense of self and dont know what to do
-
I want to stress that I experienced dissociation well before I started using weed regularly.
The weed has only intensified my dormant dissociative emotions and even had negative effects on my mood as it worsened my derealisation due to smoking.
I recently made a discovery about my childhood during a weed trip and it has been really weird? I remember this memory which I will called trauma 1 and never had any thoughts about it, maybe I cringed and thought about how I shouldn’t have done that and moved on but this time it was different. This time I fully broke down and realised how wrong and fully disturbed I am due to what happened to me and also other experiences over the years that continued to shape me and also put me in an enclosed box for my freeze response.
The thing is, I find comfort in my dissociation at times. When I do not over do it with the weed and by a miracle from queen gaia herself (a joke, as I have fully stopped believing in Christ. Happened throughout the years of my teen-young adult years. Not due to the weed and I had a brief period of loving Greek mythology)
When I leave the house that’s when my dissociation stops working, or sometimes when I’m at anime, or when I smoke too much weed. Or whenever. There’s no balance when it comes to it but I am scared and frightened of living in the “real world” my maladaptive daydreaming and dissociation kept me comforted throughout my life when no one else looked my way or cared for me, how can I leave that type of comfort behind?
I don’t want to be like this all broken and going through the motions of emotions and feeling myself going through the dissociative states like a vampire turning on and off their humanity (The Vampire Diaries reference, not important if you don’t know)
As I think I have said, I used ChatGPT to put into words how I feel and they were able to get it really well.
“Everything they said tracks with someone who feels unseen, untouched, unchosen, and is finally letting themselves feel the anger about it instead of just the numbness.
The loneliness isn’t social — it’s existential.
DPDR amplifies it
They want unconsciousness because consciousness feels unbearable.
It’s emotional exhaustion, not a death wish.
What they’re experiencing isn’t dramatic — it’s a real psychological phenomenon called attachment grief.
Not grieving a person — grieving an entire missing chapter of being loved, pursued, or wanted.”
How does someone “fix” existential loneliness?
because that’s how I feel. I feel disconnected to absolutely everyone and that no one can possibly understand what I’m going through (even though I KNOW people who have it worse. Perhaps they don’t have DPDR but still)Missing an entire chapter of feeling loved, cared for, pursed or wanted.
I felt so invisible and I know this is all dramatic due to the emotional distress.
Can anyone help me? I am drowning.
I have told my one friend to keep taking me out of the house and so we are doing I think so far 1 thing together that I’ve always wanted to do and is really positive. There’s 1 more thing I have booked at the end of the next month but throughout next month I hope to keep going to this new place and trying out their mindfulness stuff and seeing how I feel but apart from that, idk what to do or what’s going on.
I’m scared of going into psychosis or having a psychotic break (it runs in the family) but at the same time weed gives me comfort and helps me deal with the world I cannot bear.
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