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Lost and see no way to fix any of this.

Solveig

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I have come to realize more and more than I don't belong anywhere. In the past three years things have only fallen apart. I had a nervous breakdown in 2022, in April (so about this time of year). People tried to show empathy and help, but when I wasn't healing on their timelines they all just retreated and told me to behave better. I have lost touch with everyone in these past three years.

Even my spouse has said she can't deal with it. We stay together for our son who is young and has special needs. But my spouse has said she just wishes I would die already and get it over with. I feel like I don't belong, that I'm alone in this world and the only thing to blame is me.

Through my life, since I was 4, I was sexually abused and bullied and abandoned by my parents. I have never found anyone glad that I was around. I am not priority for anyone. Again I don't fit anywhere. My parents and siblings have never known how to interact with me. Any relationships I have had have fallen apart because I have too many issues.

I feel I am a mistake, than I'm a cancer and curse in this world, that I'm the monster in this story. I am a burden on everyone. I have been on my own for most of my life. I'm 50 now. The only person who has worked hard to help me is my psychologist, Stephanie. We have been together for 10 years and she has gone above and beyond for so long now.

There is a 4-year-old child in me, confused by why a 4-year-old child has been alone and unloved, never fitting anywhere, since she was 4. I feel like I'm this 4-year-old child collapsed on the ground, crying and screaming, hurt and thirsty for love. But the people in the world pass by, ignoring or repulsed by me.

The only one who has stopped to help is Stephanie. But she has limits. I know. So know that I know that she has limits when I say this next part. The child is my just wants to beg Stephanie to pick her up, take her away to somewhere safe, to hold her, to love her. My psychologist, Stephanie, heard me say this today. And she understands where it is coming from, I'm sure. And while still empathizing with me and the struggles, she told me that I do have someone with me helping this inner child: me, the 50 year-old adult.

I think I know why she was saying it. But I also told her it upsets me, because it just confirms how alone I am in this life. The 50-year-old me taking acre of the 4 year-old inner child is just me taking care of me again - as I have always done since I was 4. I understand that I need to believe in myself and love myself, parent myself and I told her this, but I also said the timing isn't right. I think I understand why she felt a need to tell me. We try to be authentic as possible with each other and she had an authentic drive to tell me I have an adult me to take care of the inner child me. But it is hurts, it makes me sad, and retraumatizes me because it is ALWAYS me taking care of me.

Stephanie is a great psychologist and we have a mutual trust, one that we've built over these past 10 years. We have been through A LOT. I came to her identifying as a cisgender male that was having trouble with intimacy in my marriage and I wanted find some tools to fix that. Yet other things blossomed and as we dug deeper into my sexual abuse and identity and all the trauma, it got to be about much more. I was struggling to identify my gender for at least 1/3 of our years together and then she was with me the day I accepted and found peace in realizing I was transgender.

She was there when I had to come out to my wife and struggle with whether we'd stay together. The she was there when my parents re-abandoned me after I came out, which was very hard because it mirrored one of my core traumas and set the stage for my nervous breakdown in April 2022. We have been through much more together than I can express.

But Stephanie is still just my psychologist. She is not my friend and not family. I don't fit in her life. But that is the issue: I don't fit with anyone. She is the safest place I have in my life and I am glad for her, but I don't fit in her life. I don't fit in anyone's life. I'm alone in the world.

I have C-PTSD and anxiety and depressive disorders. However I look at the circumstances and experiential evidence that says that no matter what, it seems fact that I am alone and unsafe and I don't fit and I am unloved. Throw in the fact I'm a transgender woman and the climate of the world today is hostile toward people like me and it is just another place of not fitting in - just for the fact I exist differently that most people.

I don't know how to change decades of evidence that shows me I'm alone, I don't fit and I'm unloved in world that always feels unsafe. I tell my psychologist as much, but I feel like I'm not going to be able to ever change this belief and if I can't then why am I still trying, why am I working on this at all? I will not consider another mental health professional at this point. I mistrust by default and being open to anyone is a big no-no. But I'm very open with Stephanie, because she has earned my trust over all this time.

Yet I don't feel like I can fix any of this anymore. I feel more and more like I don't deserve her, than I'm a burden on her with my hopelessness and despair and, as she described how she sees how I feel, the "desolation" of my existence. I have failed myself since I was 4 and I've failed everyone around me and I'm terrified of failing my psychologist, Stephanie, who has given and sacrificed so much of her time and care for this "thing" that is me.

It all feel entirely useless. I cannot fix this. I see too much evidence of being alone in the world and trust has been broken WAY too many times to be open enough to keep trying to connect with others. I do need to be happy on my own, but most people have family and friends and wants them and would be lost without these connections. But I have none of this, no connections and no safety and no love. The exception is Stephanie, but I don't fit in her life except in a certain small box. Life is a war and I'm on my own. How do I fix any of this?
 
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But my spouse has said she just wishes I would die already and get it over with.
I'm so sorry @Solveig. This is terrible thing to hear from someone else. You definately don't deserve to be hurt this way by your spouse.

As little as this may sound: you belong here with us. We may just have words to comfort one another but it's still something. It's good you you're here with us and you are most welcome here. Don't hesitate to post and vent out.

Your story is heardbreaking. There is no blame to be put on you. The world and the people were cruel to you and it's so wrong you had to go though all of it.

You are not a monster, not a curse or cancer. You are a good, sensitive woman, who had extremely hard life and just wants to be loved and accepted. And this isn't much to expect from the world - it's bare minimum everyone deserve.

I've been sitting on this reply for a long time and couldn't find words to cheer you up and not feel cheesy and reduntand to what your therapist had said you thousand times. So I hope, that at least thought of some random stranger smashing forehead against keyboard in attempt typing something heartwarming will .... well ... heart warm you. ;)

Take care!
 
Thank you for sharing. I can relate a lot to your story. You come across like a lovely gentle human who has been hurt. I’m also really glad Stephanie is in your life and affirms this.
 
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