Decision Vetoed

[Casey_03]

So I posted recently about making a decision to move back to the States to live with my senile grandmother. It would've solved myriad problems for me and allowed me to bring my son up closer to his family. And also to help look after my Grandma. BUT she nixed the idea and said she doesn't want a baby living in her house. So I'm a bit crushed. Because now I can't move back and will have to spend Christmas here completely alone. What a great first Christmas for my son.

 

[NaeNae75]

Awww....That's really to bad. When I had read that before, I thought it would be such a nice thing to happen. Hopefully you can still find a good alternative. I would still work on getting your son's passport, maybe.

 

[Casey_03]

Yes, the whole family had been pestering me for so long to move in with her so someone is there in case she falls or has an accident. She lives alone in a big house. But she said she "doesn't want a baby" there. So I guess that's that. So much for family.

 

[scout86]

Rats! If it comes down to it, you won't be alone for Christmas, you'll have each other. But, there's always a chance the rest of the family will come up with a way to twist Grandma's arm a little, now that they know you're willing. (She could fall or have an accident, who knows? Not that I'm wishing her ill......)

 

[Casey_03]

@scout86 That is possible, but I really think it would just be a toxic environment if she has to be persuaded to let me live there. She's getting quite nasty in her dementia, and unless she's up for it herself, I think she'd be quite hostile. It sucks; I was starting to make all sorts of plans. Now it looks like I'll be stuck in Ukraine for the next couple years.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

Old saying, once a man twice a child. She needs care like a child does. Two children, could you and would you take care of the two ends of the spectrum? She maybe is not being mean but realistic for the care work involved. Could be a win win though. In China I have read where they put orphanages and senior homes intertwined. A beautiful balance in that old wisdom with young wonder is a bridge to health. Difficult when it is family and personal.

 

[Casey_03]

@Changeling She made it very clear she doesn't want a baby around because it "would annoy her." It's possible she thinks I want her to take care of the baby or something, I have no idea. It's strange, because for the past several years, every time I've spoken to her she's complained about how no one visits her, how all her friends are dying and she's surrounded only by death ... and here she gets a chance to have her granddaughter live with her with new life and she just dismisses it because "a baby would be annoying."

 

[Tinyflame]

Old saying, once a man twice a child. She needs care like a child does. Two children, could you and would you take care of the two ends of the spectrum?

Totally second this above. ^^ As well, not only equivalent to 24 hour supervision/ care but you would be managing/ caring for a person who expects they do not really 'require' the supervision & care you provide, as she would expect that she will be treated as a non-impacted adult. It is also progressive. It is also very challenging & physically demanding- think of your baby potentially weighing her weight, & truly believing she doesn't 'really' require assistance (as she puts on a parka in july. or shorts in winter & goes to head out the door with no coat, and tells you "you don't know what you're talking about" if you approach it logically. Think of using the stove. Most people have to disconnect power or take the fuse out. Even microwaves can be too much.)

and here she gets a chance to have her granddaughter live with her with new life and she just dismisses it because "a baby would be annoying."

It's my experience seniors, & seniors with dementia, do not think that way. For one thing, they can't stand noise or running around or changes in routine. Cap it at 20 minutes, max. Nor loud music (unless they can't hear), nor sound after eg 9 pm.

There are also over 50 types of dementia, not including Alzheimer's disease, which may also involve 'wandering' (away). Or Lewey-Body dementia, wherein she may start seeing animals or people. Even without Alzheimer's disease, or LB, you can realistically expect a loss in recognition of family members, increased risk of falls (especially if independent), incontinence issues, reversed sleep schedules, poor emotional regulation, meltdowns, expectation of 100% of your attention, inappropriate behaviour, verbal or physical, decreased ability to cooperate, pain focus (possibly relates to the noise intolerance), & memory difficulties. Often paranoia & anxiety, as their things start 'disappearing' (ie they can't remember where they put them). The person then usually blames whoever lives there, & will also draw elaborate (often fanciful) conclusions to explain to themselves what is happening. Also, it's very typical to mistake family members for others, & respond accordingly (eg child is previous spouse, grandaughter is dtr, etc). Hygiene issues & or skin brekdown/ infections can be huge. Not to mention med issues/ side effects. She would also likely let her emotions 'fly', with you, knowing you are 'family'.especially.

Similar to pregnancy & childcare, there is little romanticized about elder care.

Something will work out @Casey_03 . Hang in there. :hug:

 

[Sandstone]

will have to spend Christmas here completely alone. What a great first Christmas for my son.

There are people somewhere around you who would like to be your friends. What can you do to meet them?

 

[Casey_03]

@Sandstone Thanks. I've actually just received word that my grandma changed her mind. Apparently she thought I expected her to babysit, but my other relatives explained that was not the case. So I'm coming back!!!! I can't wait. We'll be in a spacious house and close to family. My baby son will have loads of room to crawl around. The prodigal daughter, coming back after a decade of hardship and adventure. Back to my roots and my hometown.

 

[joeylittle]

Apparently she thought I expected her to babysit, but my other relatives explained that was not the case. So I'm coming back!!!!

Yay! And, you probably just got a little mini-lesson in how she might misunderstand at first, all sorts of things. I'm so glad your other family members intervened, and I hope they keep giving you support as well. :)