Still loving
New Here
Hi to all :)
I'm hoping to make contact with this community in the hopes of learning more about myself and how to better deal with the severe ongoing effects of my traumas. My understanding of the plasticity of the brain and my ability to seek support and professional help are constant source of strength and optimism, which is important as my story is long and dark.
I was always a creative and sensitive child. Experienced some neglect and emotional abuse growing up, but with an unconventional family structure there are also many beautiful memories. My family moved to NZ as a preteen and this is where I met and fell in love with my future husband at 17. Our relationship has always been passionate and deeply intimate, when we were young we were especially wild with excitement and creative electricity.
There has always been an element of recreational drug/alcohol use, which was not a problem until his infidelities were uncovered. After the first year or so a terrible cycle of continuous cheating, increasingly violent outbursts, emotional manipulation and social isolation/humiliation began. The development of these behaviors progressed slowly and I continued to support the man I loved to fulfill his promises to overcome his self destructive patterns. Sadly, I did less to protect myself, thinking that as I was more emotionally developed and articulate that somehow I would be ok and this was all a manifestation of his own pain.
At times I removed myself, sought help. Other times I was more vulnerable and more easily manipulated. I experienced a huge amount of rejection, social shame and horrifying, deeply painful violence behind closed doors. At times his behavior/lifestyle led to me being victimised by other people also. Throughout all the broken bones and blood and gore it's the constant sexual betrayal and occasional sexual violence that has wounded me to my very core.
At one point he went too far and was put in prison for a few months (although possibly due more to unpaid fines for prior convictions than to the severity of his violence). I escaped the poisonous environment we were in and came back to Australia after which he followed and we started a new life. Some of his patterns have continued, with less intensity.
It's 13 years now we've been together, (we don't have any children) and despite violence being rare, his infidelity has continued sporadically over the last few years and my heart remains swollen with love and hurt and sadness.
This is my story. I have not always been rational or safe, but I have learnt and grown a lot. I still live with danger, and experience severe, debilitating anxiety and flashbacks. I know now that what he has done was never really about me, and it was never my responsibility alone to fix our problems. He is on his own journey, realising things about himself as he matures. I'm trying hard to make my choices about myself now.
I see a bright future for myself, with or without him. I'm not angry anymore, more resigned to the history I wish I could erase from my mind. I'm still full of love for life and for him and the friends and family I have now, but I suffer from very low self esteem and have very little trust in people or relationships. I feel like they might see through me to the brokenness underneath if I stand still too long. I wake up screaming a lot, when I can sleep. The nightmares are unbearable. He comforts me in the night.
Sometimes I feel like no one around me really understands, as I either can't tell them about our history or that some of these things are still a problem. He is the only one who knows what I've been through, but can never truly understand how his fun and his denial cost me so very much.
I believe I could do something great with my life, with the qualifications I've gained despite all of this. I will always stand up for what I know is right but I desperately need to be free of the fear; the knowing that at any moment the world will turn on me again is truly holding me back.
I really hope to talk to some of you about how to cope with this overwhelming burden and am so grateful to any of you for reading my (long) story.
Thanks so much to all of you for creating a place where we can connect and hopefully be understood for who we are underneath and the courage it takes to go on ;)
I'm hoping to make contact with this community in the hopes of learning more about myself and how to better deal with the severe ongoing effects of my traumas. My understanding of the plasticity of the brain and my ability to seek support and professional help are constant source of strength and optimism, which is important as my story is long and dark.
I was always a creative and sensitive child. Experienced some neglect and emotional abuse growing up, but with an unconventional family structure there are also many beautiful memories. My family moved to NZ as a preteen and this is where I met and fell in love with my future husband at 17. Our relationship has always been passionate and deeply intimate, when we were young we were especially wild with excitement and creative electricity.
There has always been an element of recreational drug/alcohol use, which was not a problem until his infidelities were uncovered. After the first year or so a terrible cycle of continuous cheating, increasingly violent outbursts, emotional manipulation and social isolation/humiliation began. The development of these behaviors progressed slowly and I continued to support the man I loved to fulfill his promises to overcome his self destructive patterns. Sadly, I did less to protect myself, thinking that as I was more emotionally developed and articulate that somehow I would be ok and this was all a manifestation of his own pain.
At times I removed myself, sought help. Other times I was more vulnerable and more easily manipulated. I experienced a huge amount of rejection, social shame and horrifying, deeply painful violence behind closed doors. At times his behavior/lifestyle led to me being victimised by other people also. Throughout all the broken bones and blood and gore it's the constant sexual betrayal and occasional sexual violence that has wounded me to my very core.
At one point he went too far and was put in prison for a few months (although possibly due more to unpaid fines for prior convictions than to the severity of his violence). I escaped the poisonous environment we were in and came back to Australia after which he followed and we started a new life. Some of his patterns have continued, with less intensity.
It's 13 years now we've been together, (we don't have any children) and despite violence being rare, his infidelity has continued sporadically over the last few years and my heart remains swollen with love and hurt and sadness.
This is my story. I have not always been rational or safe, but I have learnt and grown a lot. I still live with danger, and experience severe, debilitating anxiety and flashbacks. I know now that what he has done was never really about me, and it was never my responsibility alone to fix our problems. He is on his own journey, realising things about himself as he matures. I'm trying hard to make my choices about myself now.
I see a bright future for myself, with or without him. I'm not angry anymore, more resigned to the history I wish I could erase from my mind. I'm still full of love for life and for him and the friends and family I have now, but I suffer from very low self esteem and have very little trust in people or relationships. I feel like they might see through me to the brokenness underneath if I stand still too long. I wake up screaming a lot, when I can sleep. The nightmares are unbearable. He comforts me in the night.
Sometimes I feel like no one around me really understands, as I either can't tell them about our history or that some of these things are still a problem. He is the only one who knows what I've been through, but can never truly understand how his fun and his denial cost me so very much.
I believe I could do something great with my life, with the qualifications I've gained despite all of this. I will always stand up for what I know is right but I desperately need to be free of the fear; the knowing that at any moment the world will turn on me again is truly holding me back.
I really hope to talk to some of you about how to cope with this overwhelming burden and am so grateful to any of you for reading my (long) story.
Thanks so much to all of you for creating a place where we can connect and hopefully be understood for who we are underneath and the courage it takes to go on ;)
