Am I Too Needy Or Is This Acceptable?

[Arebas]

I had a difficult session on Friday. I cried in front of my T for the first time. Snapped out of it fast and told her I was just locking it all back inside cause I had to go home and I just couldn't keep feeling those things. She was understanding and comforting and as I left she said that I could write to her or contact her in any way if I needed or wanted anything.

I have emailed her and it was one of those emails that start in the middle of a line of thought and just goes on and ends a bit abruptly cause suddenly you just can't say anything else. Those are very embarrassing for me. I write them when I'm triggered and afterwards I always feel ashamed and pathetic for being so needy.

I've had issues with sending her emails before because she says "write to me" but then she never checks her email for days which has led to many painful situations for me in the past. So now she actually asks me to send her a text to let her know I've emailed her so she knows that's there. But I also have trouble with this cause when I text, she says "I'll read it as soon as I can" but sometimes that means two days. Which was also painful for me cause I write when I'm triggered and I can't hold that state for so long without consequences. Son now I have to text her and also tell her how urgent the message is so she can evaluate how soon she needs to read that email.

So my problem is that I was badly triggered when I sent that email. It's an uncomfortable email for me cause it's very embarrassing and also will be uncomfortable for her cause it deals with something that she did to me that caused great damage. She has apologized many times and I forgave her and we moved on but it's an issue that is painful for us both and that keeps coming back.

I know I am supposed to tell her the email is there and, feeling the way I feel, I think I also need to tell her it's kinda urgent. But I just can't bring myself to text her cause I am so embarrassed for having to bother her yet one more time with it, on the weekend, after she was so nice to me yesterday and with something that I know will cause her pain.

I think Shame is making me try to convince myself that it's not such a big deal and I can wait as many days as she needs to read it, or better yet, maybe she won't read it at all and I can just forget I sent it. I think that's what I want to do. But on the other hand... I can never trust that voice that says "you shouldn't have done that! So needy! You're fine. Just wait." cause I am not fine and I don't want to have to wait. But isn't that childish? Needing her attention RIGHT NOW like a baby? Shouldn't I exercise a bit of self discipline or something and just wait for the woman to do things at her own time?

I never know what voice to listen to. When i talk about this to her she always says I have to tell her but that doesn't always help cause even when I tell her she needs a day or two to read things so in the end I still have to practice all that self containment except then I feel worse cause I know she knows I need her and still I am not a priority.

Then again, why should I be a priority? She has her own life! ugh. I never know how to get myself out of this situation! :(

 

[Eagle3]

I hear ya on this one. My T is well-known to NEVER answer an email quickly. Texting gets faster responses, but I can only use that when its an absolutely urgent (i'm in crisis kinda thing). I've just gotten used to the fact that an email will not be answered on weekends, or before 24 hours have passed, if it gets answered at ALL.

I've learned to send emails of all sorts to him, and just not expect an answer. Its annoying, but something I've learned to accept about him. Its an exercise in self-regulation, and I've come to the point where I feel better just knowing he actually reads all my stuff (and he does).

 

[Eagle3]

Dangit, on my phone and it posted before I was done....

Was going to say that there are times (very rarely) that I have to email him almost every day between sessions, and some times I don't email him at ALL. It just depends on the situation I'm in. He understands that, he reads everything, but he'll only answer if I'm in some sort of imminent danger (but still no guarantees it will be within 24 hours).

So I can be needy at times. He gets that, but he won't respond to neediness. He responds to necessity, and that's a good thing. Keeps me from feeding the compulsive need to connect between sessions, keeps me from developing an unhealthy attachment. His slow way of responding to my reaching out makes me look for avenues of support and connection OUTSIDE of his office, which is part of what a good therapist will do. They'll be there when you really need them, but at the same time they will help foster a healthy independence.

Neediness is understandable, but shouldn't be enabled by your therapist. Being slow to answer emails is part of that. But if you and your therapist are working on something specific, then that's something different. Sounds like this is a good subject to bring up, yet again. Sometimes it takes a couple of repetitions before they really understand something we're dealing with.

 

[And]

This so sounds like me! And I'm famous for talking myself out of how important I am or my issue is because I don't want to be so needy!

 

[Arebas]

Thank you for the comprehensive reply, @Eagle3 .

feel better just knowing he actually reads all my stuff (and he does).

My problem with this is that there are emails I've sent that she has never seen. I guess they get lost in her inbox cause she never checks it and then it all must pile up until she actually looks for something there. If I don't tell her it's there, I'm 90% sure that she won't see it. I can always wait a week for our next session and then tell her I emailed her and she missed it. But that's happened before and then I'm just too embarrassed to bring that up. I've only done it two or three times and once, even after I told her she had missed one, I said "but it's ok cause it wasn't too important" and she said she'd read it anyway but then she forgot and never read it. I never dared to bring that up either. :(

So I can be needy at times. He gets that, but he won't respond to neediness. He responds to necessity, and that's a good thing.

Mmmm. I think I have trouble understanding the difference. Needy is like whiney and necessity is like a more objective thing? How do you know when you're being whiney and when you're being in real need of something?

His slow way of responding to my reaching out makes me look for avenues of support and connection OUTSIDE of his office, which is part of what a good therapist will do

This makes all the sense in the world. That's what i want to achieve, better relationships outside so I can actually have someone in my life I can go to when I need something. Big or small. But I'm not there yet. I only have two friends, they live in different countries than me. My T knows that I have no one to actually go to and she never even mentioned getting closer to anyone in my circle. I don't know how I'll learn to ask for help to other people when I don't know yet how to ask her for help. :banghead:

 

[Eagle3]

Sounds to me like you have a flaky therapist. Any chance of finding someone better able to be stable? Working with trust and attachment issues is difficult if not impossible for a flaky or busy therapist.

 

[Muted]

I understand your different thoughts on evaluating all the different points of view. Maybe it's better to not become too dependent or attached to her, it can make things more painful.

 

[Arebas]

Sounds to me like you have a flaky therapist. Any chance of finding someone better able to be stable? Work...

I've considered looking for someone new before but I just don't feel like I can start over with a new person. I don't know if I'm being stupidly stubborn or productively tenacious. I've always tried to solve everything all by myself so I think I'm also doing it with therapy. If she's flaky, I'll be extra responsible. If she forgets things, I have to work on my "telling people they've made a mistake and it hurts me" skills.
I'm realising now that doing it like this, this is gonna take forever. :banghead:

 

[Muted]

Can you tell her @Arebas what you just posted and how you feel?

 

[NightSky]

I could've written this. I so identify with this struggle. My T usually takes days to respond. Other times it's right away. I often wonder if that's on purpose but I'm too afraid to ask. I figure instant responses would create more dependency. And it has made me very careful about how often I write. Because it's difficult not knowing if something is read, and waiting for a response. And her responses are sometimes one line and sometimes longer. She often encourages me to email more because I'm very hesitant to do so. It feels needy. And like you I don't know where that line is between needy and necessity.
We have to trust that it's ok to do what they ask. So you should text to tell her the email is there. But the rest of the struggle (her knowing you need her and you not feeling like a priority) is really hard. It's almost like a battle between your child and adult self.
I don't even know if we are supposed to be attached to our T's or not. Mine says that yes, that happens naturally and it's ok. But then it causes so much grief in the meantime because we are one of many people they are helping.
I know this isn't an answer and is super rambly. But I feel your pain.

 

[Muted]

My current t doesn't allow any type of contact outside of our scheduled appointments. No exceptions ever.

 

[NightSky]

My current t doesn't allow any type of contact outside of our scheduled appointments. No exceptions eve...

How do you feel about that? I imagine I would have a lot of trouble being so limited to in person sessions. Mine will text if something important is going on and she knows I need support, and will sometimes just check in to see how I'm doing. I think without that I would not be able to trust her or feel connected. Obviously there's no right or wrong way..