Isolation, Paranoia And Withdrawal

[Blackjack]

I don't know if anyone else feels this. Just lately I feel I am struggling more and more to maintain friendships on various levels.

Here I often go into chat and follow the conversations but am too scared to join in for fear of not being wanted there. I often feel I am in the way or spoiling the conversation for others.

I struggle greatly with reaching out for help. I am ashamed of myself if I am honest as I have been reading through the forums here, listening and learning more about people's stories and I just end up feeling like I don't belong here. I am not a veteran, I have not been in a major accident. As real as ptsd is for me, I feel unworthy and like a fraud or something being here.

As for friends in the outside world, I struggle with communication with them. I just am becoming more and more withdrawn and isolated and don't know how to change that. I am scared to text friends for the same reasons, I am scared of being a nuisance because I always feel as if I am.

I had a really big meltdown last night, I hardly slept at all, just laid awake sobbing for hours. I eventually went to sleep for a little while around 5am and then had some horrendous dreams that have stayed with me all day. I keep having to fight off SI on a more regular basis too.

I don't know what to do with myself any more

 

[Bliss]

Yes I go through what you are describing, isolation, parinoid, withdrawal is what caught my eye! In reading posts on here, it seems a lot of people do, just last night I cried for how many of us feel this way. I am 51 and been dealing with these feelings for so long, I have a lot of ways I manage them, not sure if they are healthy for anyone else but they help me maintain some quality of life, cope. I do just assume I will do things wrong on here and no one will like me or talk to me, then I am surprised and happy when people do, it is a bonus, I have learned to just survive, do the best I can, that's what I am doing here, thanks for being honest, I do think a lot of people with or without diagnosis feel this way at times, just probably not nearly all the time like some of us!

 

[Blackjack]

Bliss, thank you so much for your reply.

I too always expect people to not want to know me, to hate me and see me as a nuisance. It's an awful feeling isn't it.

I am doing nothing but cry and feel wretched and largely alone right now. I am at my wits end.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

I don't know if anyone else feels this. Just lately I feel I am struggling more and more to maintain...

I am currently going through just what you described. I have no "real life" friends. It goes good at first and then they pull away. Sometimes I feel there is something inherently wrong with me that I am simply unloveable.
I know at the core it is about loving myself but it is so damn hard without any validation.
I know I have support here but I know that no one would stay my friend in R/L.
I'm sorry I have nothing supportive to say but I do hope things get better for you.

 

[Mim28]

Hon, you are not alone. I have often felt that way during this period. You are a dear member of our circle and you are always there trying to encourage and lift us up.
As one of our dear friends said, do not compare my PTSD to your PTSD. We have it and that's our common bond. When we start saying mine isn't as bad as his/hers, we are letting the mean voice in our head derail us.
You are cherished and loved.
Hugs,
Mim

 

[Esterio]

I don't know if anyone else feels this. Just lately I feel I am struggling more and more to maintain...

Thanks for the Post. Blackjack you can not compare your trauma to others as we are all different. Just because you feel others stories are way worse that yours does not invalidate your trauma. Some are lucky and go through trauma un hurt physically or mentally others it knocks the daylights out of. I my self have enjoyed our chats and find you to be a valued member of this forum. I don't have much communications out side of here. I communicate with a few but not much. I have no family supports either. So all most everything is here right now for me. Not sure what I could do with out it. I have not made any new friends that talk to me in decades. Now most people think I am a little strange and avoid me. I'm sorry you had a bad night. I did not sleep a wink myself last night either. Was up most of the night 4;26 am and then my guts got bad in the early morning so no sleep.
You should not feel unworthy or like a fraud you have PTSD and it is valid. I think everyone has a hard time to talk. I always wonder should I have said that. or should I jump in and disturb that conversation. i sit and watch and read the post and don't say anything either. I do that so that I don't feel alone.
Sending you Safe hugs If you can accept them
Peace be safe

 

[Richard45130]

I'm not a veteran either. I come from an old family in the deep South and the elementary school I went to was named after my grandfather. From the outside, I had everything. Inside my house I lived with two sociopaths - my mother and my sister. You are worthy. No matter what anyone else tells you. You are worthy.

 

[erigby]

I don't know if anyone else feels this. Just lately I feel I am struggling more and more to maintain...

Dear @Blackjack would you want to share what specifically is contributing to or has caused your PTSD? I am not a veteran either and I have never been in a major car accident. My PTSD is what some are beginning to refer to as C-PTSD. While there are a few instances in my adult life that have contributed to my PTSD...it predominantly stems from childhood trauma of emotional and physical abuse. Everyone's story is unique. There is no "right way" to get PTSD or recover from it. Much like the intricacies of depression...each person has their own story.
I hope you will find belonging here.
I have been only a short time and have found this to be a helpful and safe place.

 

[erigby]

Bliss, thank you so much for your reply.

I too always expect people to not want to know me, to hate...

Please know we want to know you.
Have you talked with anyone about the possibility you may also be suffering from depression?
One of Depression's worst symptoms is its inherent nature to sabotage your self-esteem, to make you feel worthless and of no value to anyone... including yourself.

 

[ladee]

My hope for you Is, that at some point, you challenge your core beliefs.
It is hard work. Because at some point I had to give up the label as victim.
I had to start looking at similiarities instead of differences.
I had to focus on using energy for constantly feeding myself negativity.
I had to do the work.
Either way it's work.
One is familiar and doesn't feel like work..but it takes work to convince ourself we aren't worthy.
We are all here because we were hurt and lied to.
Doesn't matter , at some point..especially not believing it will work..we have to challenge our core beliefs.
Sorry you feel you don't belong. I wish none of us had to be here.
Hope you can find it in yourself to do What it takes to start believing in yourself.we can tell you all day long you are worthy. Until you start believing it.. Our words are like bandaides. It helps for a little while..but it really never changes.
Wishing you strength and courage to find you do have purpose in your life.

 

[Bliss]

I'll share what I do....

One thing I learned awhile back is living by my values instead of my emotions. So when I log on a forum, or go be with a group, or whatever, I know what my values are. For me, to further my recovery and knowledge, try to do no harm to others, help others if I can, be transparent, ect. If I start to feel any of that do they like me, ect. I stop and look back to the values I have defined for myself, if what I am doing is in line with that I ignore all that other stuff. I am pretty cut and dried about it. If I am doing the right thing for me in line with what I believe in, I don't let others reactions affect me too much, this really helps. I just keep going and things change. It doesn't matter so much what the values are but that they are ours and we can turn to them in times of shakiness.

Another thing is I don't put all my eggs in one basket, I make sure I have a few areas of interest so if one goes south it doesn't feel like my whole world.

I have things I do that are not dependent on others.

I don't have a lot of social filter, like responding to your post, lots of people would skip that:) so if I have revealed a lot and start to feel a lot of shame I go take a break and then come back.

For me my spiritual principles really come in handy, that the issue really isn't how I feel about stuff it is what I am I doing to contribute, so i can just ignore any messed up thoughts and feelings.

Like I said in first post have no idea if it is healthy for anyone else but it makes for a much more stable life, don't feel at the mercy of outside stuff so much. Took a lot of work to get to this. Wishing u well, come say hello to me if your feeling lost!

 

[Will86]

As for social anxiety, it's actually a vicious circle.
It seems like your PTSD is responsible for your social anxiety.
I used to be very anxious social to the point I was paralysed, and I still suffer from social anxiety sometimes and I believe ''normal'' people also suffer from it from time to time anyway.

Social anxiety is something you can only fix yourself which is good in a way, you don't necessarily therapy but good habits only.
The more you isolate yourself from society, the more you become socially anxious.

I found out that forcing myself to talk to people and going out are the best way to fight against social anxiety.
For example, when you go out to buy a coffee, talk to the cashier, you will have a 20 seconds conversation but this conversation will help you. Repeat the process 10 times in just one day and you will feel more comfortable socially the next day.

One thing that also works is forcing yourself to smile. Smiling is a good therapy in itself even if you don't feel like it, it helps.

Finally, I also found out that practicing boxing and going to the gym regularly made me more confident in social interactions.
I truly believe that practicing a Martial art is something that can't be ignored for people who suffer from PTSD or social anxiety.