Relationship Isolation in relationships

[Nuhkeytuh]

Hi! I’m new here. I have this nagging feeling that I’d love to get some clarity on from people who self isolate from their partners.

I’m the partner who is missing her boyfriend who is self isolating. It’s a new relationship. We’ve talked about his sexual abuse trauma. I’d like to say I’m a very supportive and understanding partner, if I don’t understand, I try to research (what I’m doing here).

This is our first isolation situation, which is why I’m having a hard time. We were spending a lot of time together, he willingly wanted to be with me daily, or almost daily. I didn’t expect it, because I understand being tired from work late at night, etc. one night he asked if he could come over because he wasn’t having a good night. We talked, he told me about how I help him feel better.

We’ve talked about spending our lives together, I’ve never felt so connected to someone so fast. Almost like fate, which I never believed in. We laugh together constantly, we are deeply intimate and loving. Being close to him makes me feel safe. And by all means, he’s very communicative and talked about feeling the same. Does the past (almost week), he’s been isolating from me. He’s seen his friends once or twice, but I haven’t seen him. He texts me in the mornings. And is texting more as the days go on, however, in the beginning, I rarely heard from him.

It’s hard going from feeling so close, to so distant. I’m not someone who could ever isolate from my partner, so I can’t relate. I’m constantly questioning, “how could he love me and not miss or want to be near me?” And I struggle with that question the most. I send him reassuring texts, I let him know I love him and that I’m here for him and he is receptive and tells me he loves me and appreciates me standing by him.

My thing is, I want to be the most supportive and loving partner I can. He’s never told me to leave him alone, but I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do? Is me reaching out too much? Should I not text or would he feel like I don’t care? This is someone that makes me feel like no one ever has in my 36 years and I refuse to give up because he is such a beautiful soul and everything I’ve ever wanted and needed. He tells me he wants me, needs me, and loves me still. But.. my thing is.. is he trying to get me to leave him?

 

[Sweetpea76]

Do you consider it isolation because he isn’t spending time with you? Or did he cut off communication?

 

[Nuhkeytuh]

Do you consider it isolation because he isn’t spending time with you? Or did he cut off communication?

He told me he was isolating and tends to do this occasionally, where he just reverts and doesn’t want to be around anyone. We still communicate daily

 

[arfie]

hello nuhkeytuh. welcome to the forum.

i'm the identified patient in my 45 year marriage. my hub-a-lub is too perfect for psychotherapy, so i set boundaries with him far more than collaboration. one of my more solid boundaries is that he stay out of my therapy and let me trust my therapy network. he is the love of my life and influences every waking moment of my life. i often need to isolate from his influence to address the psychic wounds of child sex trafficking. i am beyond grateful when he welcomes me home after a psychotic episode has been remedied. he is a lousy therapist but helps me immeasurably as my rock of ages. the cocktail of a strong therapy network combined with his stabilizing influence is a healing cocktail big pharma only wishes they could bottle and market.

but that is me and every case is unique. every partnership is even more unique.

i mostly wanted to welcome you aboard.

 

[Susan Jane]

I can empathize with you both. I isolate myself when I am not doing well and I feel unsure what to do when someone does it to me. My real cure has always been honesty, telling the other person what I feel and trying to accept their response. I also try not to react quickly …. sometimes waiting even when it is hard makes sense. I am not sure if this helps…but it works most of the time for me

 

[Nairobi]

My best friend isolates a lot when he doesnt feel ok.
We had a Happy period in which we could hang out during hours and even flirt and It was just perfect
Later we had a long period in which he was not able to speak to me or texting me. It was very hard to me and I suffered a lot because sometimes he was able to speak and even hang out with people not so close to him, at I felt very rejected
Now he is able to speak to me again. He is still not able to hang out with me, but we speak by phone and we are trying to rebuilt our friendship

It has been posible with a lot of patient and a lot of open and honest communication WHEN HE IS OK. I remember an episode of me, crying because I was thinking he hated me, and I wanted an explanation of his rejection IN THAT MOMENT, and he also crying telling me I donn hate you but how am I suposed to explain what happen to me if I am not able to speak now?

He told me that he cared and that I was important for him. With time, I have noticed that It is true.

It is difficult and for me It has been a learning curve. I wish I knew all I know now in the beggining, because I made a lot of mistakes

So, my advice is to be patient and when he feels ok again, then speak with him about what to do regarding texting and everything in the next episode. And if there is nothing that show you the opposite ,trust in his words of love

 

[Nuhkeytuh]

hello nuhkeytuh. welcome to the forum.

i'm the identified patient in my 45 year marriage. my hub-a-lub is too perfect for psychotherapy, so i set boundaries with him far more than collaboration. one of my more solid boundaries is that he stay out of my therapy and let me trust my therapy network. he is the love of my life and influences every waking moment of my life. i often need to isolate from his influence to address the psychic wounds of child sex trafficking. i am beyond grateful when he welcomes me home after a psychotic episode has been remedied. he is a lousy therapist but helps me immeasurably as my rock of ages. the cocktail of a strong therapy network combined with his stabilizing influence is a healing cocktail big pharma only wishes they could bottle and market.

but that is me and every case is unique. every partnership is even more unique.

i mostly wanted to welcome you aboard.

And I want this, I’m having a hard time because this is all so new to me and I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do exactly. Should I not bother him at all? Or will that make him feel as though I don’t care. I outright sent a text asking him if it would be better if I left him alone all together while he navigates through this. I told him I was asking because I want to approach it the best way possible. I sent that this morning and he hasn’t answered me. Maybe it upset him? I’m not sure.

My best friend isolates a lot when he doesnt feel ok.
We had a Happy period in which we could hang out during hours and even flirt and It was just perfect
Later we had a long period in which he was not able to speak to me or texting me. It was very hard to me and I suffered a lot because sometimes he was able to speak and even hang out with people not so close to him, at I felt very rejected
Now he is able to speak to me again. He is still not able to hang out with me, but we speak by phone and we are trying to rebuilt our friendship

It has been posible with a lot of patient and a lot of open and honest communication WHEN HE IS OK. I remember an episode of me, crying because I was thinking he hated me, and I wanted an explanation of his rejection IN THAT MOMENT, and he also crying telling me I donn hate you but how am I suposed to explain what happen to me if I am not able to speak now?

He told me that he cared and that I was important for him. With time, I have noticed that It is true.

It is difficult and for me It has been a learning curve. I wish I knew all I know now in the beggining, because I made a lot of mistakes

So, my advice is to be patient and when he feels ok again, then speak with him about what to do regarding texting and everything in the next episode. And if there is nothing that show you the opposite ,trust in his words of love

Thank you. I’m definitely waiting until I’m with him or see him again to be able to speak to him about it. Until then I asked him if it was better if I just left him alone all together. Because I want to approach it the best way possible. I sent that text this morning and it’s 2pm and he hasn’t responded yet which isnt shocking. However the past day, he was definitely starting to talk to me more. I don’t know. It’s hard on my heart though

I can empathize with you both. I isolate myself when I am not doing well and I feel unsure what to do when someone does it to me. My real cure has always been honesty, telling the other person what I feel and trying to accept their response. I also try not to react quickly …. sometimes waiting even when it is hard makes sense. I am not sure if this helps…but it works most of the time for me

It does help. I wish I was able to share the texts. He does communicate well. I just can’t help feeling like.. he’s leaving

 

[arfie]

this is all so new to me and I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do exactly.

this is all so old to me (i started psychotherapy in 1972, 8 years before i married) and i'm still not sure what any given episode will bring. every round is a guess and how healing happens remains one of the great mysteries of my life. every time i think i know exactly what to do, life serves me up a big ol' slice of humble pie.

I outright sent a text asking him if it would be better if I left him alone all together while he navigates through this.

i am willing to bet dollars to wishes that he doesn't know either. for sure, within my own psychotic episodes, if i knew, i wouldn't be sick. most times what i want is not even on the menu. i take it in small steps, big faith and lots of prayer. let the healing mysteries lead the dance.

 

[Friday]

I’m not someone who could ever isolate from my partner, so I can’t relate.

You’ve never had the stomach flu, or explosive diarrhea? Where your ONLY concern is getting to the toilet… and then cleaning up, after? Off sick from work, canceling plans with friends, can’t read/watch/think, I’m puking my guts out and putting Vaseline on my bum to survive the acid burn, and the ringing phone can f*ck the hell off??? Will fake a smile for the delivery guy, and then groan and collapse, sliding against the door, the moment they f*ck off? Never? Really??? It’s extraordinarily rare, but that does happen, where a teeny tiny minority of people always want an audience to hold their hair & witness their misery… but MOST people? Do isolate. When it’s bad enough to be -go away- but not bad enough to be life threatening call 911/999.

I’d suggest a psych eval, for cluster B personality disorders, if you NEVER isolate. Not that it means there’s anything wrong with you, but for useful skills/tools to better blend in & acquire followers… if you NEVER isolate.

If you DO isolate, under certain conditions, then you can absolutely relate.

 

[Nuhkeytuh]

this is all so old to me (i started psychotherapy in 1972, 8 years before i married) and i'm still not sure what any given episode will bring. every round is a guess and how healing happens remains one of the great mysteries of my life. every time i think i know exactly what to do, life serves me up a big ol' slice of humble pie.

i am willing to bet dollars to wishes that he doesn't know either. for sure, within my own psychotic episodes, if i knew, i wouldn't be sick. most times what i want is not even on the menu. i take it in small steps, big faith and lots of prayer. let the healing mysteries lead the dance.

Thank you for all your insight, it’s so helpful

You’ve never had the stomach flu, or explosive diarrhea? Where your ONLY concern is getting to the toilet… and then cleaning up, after? Off sick from work, canceling plans with friends, can’t read/watch/think, I’m puking my guts out and putting Vaseline on my bum to survive the acid burn, and the ringing phone can f*ck the hell off??? Will fake a smile for the delivery guy, and then groan and collapse, sliding against the door, the moment they f*ck off? Never? Really??? It’s extraordinarily rare, but that does happen, where a teeny tiny minority of people always want an audience to hold their hair & witness their misery… but MOST people? Do isolate. When it’s bad enough to be -go away- but not bad enough to be life threatening call 911/999.

I’d suggest a psych eval, for cluster B personality disorders, if you NEVER isolate. Not that it means there’s anything wrong with you, but for useful skills/tools to better blend in & acquire followers… if you NEVER isolate.

If you DO isolate, under certain conditions, then you can absolutely relate.

Thank you so much for this comparison because it’s actually very relatable. Because you’re right, I do and would isolate myself from my partner and that kind of situation and that was very eye opening. I have never thought about it in this way, and it honestly is more understandable and relatable in these terms. I have really bad anxiety and when I do, I isolate but in those times, I wasn’t with anyone romantically so I couldn’t, in my mind, compare wanting to not be near your partner. I thank you so much for this

 

[Lost in the Woods]

First off welcome. I am a sufferer and I isolated a lot. I didn’t know why I needed to do it, I just knew I needed solitude. I didn’t want to hurt those I loved but I just had to get away. I know I hurt my wife and kids by my periodic leaving. I have great regret about that. I can’t really give much advice except to tell him you love him and miss him. My wife never did that and I think for me it would have made a difference. The other thing I would suggest is reading about attachment styles. The speed of your relationship hints at possible attachment issues so that would be a good thing to read up on.

All the best.