Relationship Baffled.

[AlshaSoDak]

I'm looking for insight into proper replies to reaching out.

My previous thread describes my recent encounter with my partners most intense withdrawal since we have been seeing each other. I questioned what I should do for me (and my sanity) during this time, since I'm very lost and he can't bring himself to communicate what's exactly happening. Understandably so.

Today he did reach out. He brings himself to "check in" daily. He lets me know he is alive and still swimming, so to speak. We don't converse, just a quick- I'm here. And a reply of relief from myself.

Today was filled with "I'm having a rough one" "I'm sad, tired, overwhelmed, hurting, etc." "the pain is too much".. things of this nature. Ending on a note of "I'll live. I always do."

I have never felt as helpless as I do when we hit a low. And while normally I can coax some sort of explanation or reasoning why he's feeling the way he's feeling, these two weeks I cannot. He's very withdrawn.

My questions are this. What do you say to your SO to show support? I don't pretend to know the struggle, and I don't promise a better tomorrow, I know these aren't always realistic. I feel like a broken record saying "I'm sorry" "I'm here for you" "that must be so awful"....is this the response that's adequate? I'm sure sufferers aren't looking for advice. But I'm not so sure. Thank you for any input..

 

[Snowflakes]

In my experience, and we are all different, my sufferer tells me she just wants to know I'm there. She doesn't want advice. I think you are doing all the right things.

I think we do the best we can and hope our sufferer realizes that and will reach out when they can. I understand the road you're on, I travel the same path. I believe your heart is in the right place and you're doing the best you can. Try not to beat yourself up to much.

 

[AlshaSoDak]

In my experience, and we are all different, my sufferer tells me she just wants to know I'm there. S...

Thank you once again for your insight and wise words :) I can use all the help I can get. I wondered if it was more of a preference. I will just keep doing what I know how to do and if he keeps responding well, I suppose that will be my answer.

 

[Snowflakes]

I think preference is what you'll learn from him over time. By that I mean, if you two are able to talk on good days, ask him what he would like to hear from you, if anything.

In the beginning with mine, I used to try to make suggestions or give advice. I thought I was being helpful. Over time, a lot of conflict, and some talking, I learned she just wanted to be left alone. Her comfort was knowing I was there. We are married so the dynamics are different than yours in the sense we live under the same roof. But isolating whether in the same house or in another place is still isolating.

I did learn that the less I stressed by not taking anything personal, the easier it was on me. Now that isn't to say all my days are good. Someone here wrote that being a supporter is a lot like walking a tightrope over a lion cage. And they are right.

I think in our desire to help the one we love with all our being, we can never lose sight of our own sanity. In the beginning, I let myself be pushed to the edge of sanity by the fallout I was catching from my sufferer. Over time, I think I've learned how to duck better :)

I truly wish you and the one you love the best. Take care.

 

[dulcia]

Ditto to what @Snowflakes. In my own experience, I've also learned not to make statements of understanding (i.e. "I know how you feel", "I can imagine that must be difficult", etc.). Because I didn't go through what he went through, so I don't know how he feels and I can't imagine how he feels, even if my intentions are good.

 

[AlshaSoDak]

Ditto to what @Snowflakes. In my own experience, I've also learned not to make st...

Agreed, I learned early on I cannot relate to that level of pain. The only thing I encounter that is relative is loving him through it. I just try to stick to the basic "I'm sorry," because I am so sorry any person has to endure all this. I just struggle for a response, and I don't want to say nothing. He reaches out for one reason or another, maybe just to vent it out too.

I ordered the books "when someone you love suffers from posttraumatic stress," "shock waves: a practical guide to living with a loved ones PTSD," and "loving someone with PTSD." They came today. I'm hoping between this very supportive group and the books I can gain understanding and insight. I thank you both for your insight. @Snowflakes @tiredtexan

 

[grimalkin]

Sadly, I didn't know he had cPTSD, so I did and said all the "wrong" things throughout our relationship. I live with mental illness myself, so I thought it was "just" depression and anxiety and anger management issues, so of course, I tried to offer advice and support and understanding.

I'm glad you're researching, @AlshaSoDak, early in. I wish I knew then (seven years ago) what I know now.

 

[AlshaSoDak]

Sadly, I didn't know he had cPTSD, so I did and said all the "wrong" things throughout our relationsh...

I'm lucky to be with a sufferer who acknowledged his symptoms and has been diligent in trying to be more than his illness. He was upfront about it, and I, not knowing much about it at all just had to research to understand. I understand the frustrations of not knowing. I live with generalized anxiety myself so sometimes it all feels like too much.

Healing thoughts to you @grimalkin