Sufferer Hello..needing Confirmation

[Crystal80]

New to the group, hello everyone:) I'm 37 and I was sexually abused/molested as a child (around 4th, 5th or 6th grade, 9-11 yrs old) by my step brother who was 5 years older than me. I've been told by others that maybe it wasn't abuse or molestation but just two curious kids. Sometimes I get confused on what it really was. It started one night when we were camping outside with our other siblings and a couple friends. Everyone was asleep and I woke up to my brother trying to put his penis in my mouth. I pulled away. He may have tried again but I can't remember but I know I pulled away and I was freaked out. Some time later ( weeks, months?) He made comments about my developing breasts..Pointing at them and maybe even touching with his finger. Another thing I remember is being in his room and he had taken my pants and underwear down and was trying to have sex with me telling me it was ok and that it would feel good. He never really forced me Thai can remember but I never felt comfortable saying no. That part happened many times. I remember feeling like I enjoyed the attention..I had grown up with only a sister till he came into the family through marriage so getting the attention from an older brother was cool but he took it to another level. I remember feeling so incredibly uncomfortable and scared but didn't know how or if I wanted it to stop at a certain point (which sounds so messed up to me). He also invited me into his room when he had friends over and told me to give his friend a blow job which I did. I feel like it's my fault it happened..I should have said no. We're we just kids playing around? At times I don't think so but I get so confused. I feel like I'm using it as an excuse for problems (extremely sexually active since highschool, overconsumption of alcohol, low self asteem and self worth, hard time expressing myself or organizing my thoughts, struggling at work, the list goes on and on). I just want to know if what happened to me really was abuse or not so I know how to move forward. Thanks for listening (reading).

 

[eloc]

Hi and welcome to the group. I am not experienced with sexual trauma as my own was more of a violent attack and disaster related. I have however seen some great materials for parents and teachers to understand what is normal and inquisitive age appropriate behavior - one of the best frameworks I have seen was developed by family planning Queensland in Australia. Green behaviors are considered healthy - sexual behaviours that are normal, age appropriate, spontaneous, curious mutual, light hearted, and easily diverted experimentation. Orange sexual behaviours are outside normal behaviours in terms of persistence, frequency or inequality in age power or ability and the red light behaviours are problematic or harmful, forceful, secretive, compulsive coercive or degrading. It sounds to me that the acts you described were not mutual and there was definitely an inequality of power and its sounds as though they were extremely harmful to your developing psyche. I assume the acts were secretive as well. You can probably search up the traffic lights framework and see in detail for different ages. I am so sorry this happened to you. I didn't want to just give my opinion but instead point you in the direction of some great materials related to child sexual behavior and abuse. Hope it is helpful if you search up sexual-behaviours-traffic-light-tool you can get some different adaptations of the framework with age specific examples of green orange and red light behaviours.

 

[walter mitty]

like eloc, this is not an area I had experience in, but in my opinion, your step brother was being very inappropriate and showing little caring or self-control. I do not see anywhere in your brief story where he was considerate or cared for you or your likes and dislikes. That sounds abusive to me.....

 

[Crystal80]

Hi and welcome to the group. I am not experienced with sexual trauma as my own was more of a violent attac...

Thank you..I will definitely be looking into that!

 

[Fadeaway]

Yes, that was absolutely abuse. You were an innocent victim and at his age 14-16 he was old enough to know exactly what he was doing was wrong. Childhood exploration takes place at a much younger age. Your reaction to his behavior is a 100% normal response to his abnormal behavior.

 

[Esterio]

Thanks for the Post Crystal80 Welcome to this community . It is a good healing place to come and share with others. you are not alone here.
What happen to you was sexual assault and exploitation very serious not some childhood experimentation. I wonder how many others he has done this to. These are all symptoms of child sexual abuse and sexual assault (extremely sexually active since highschool, overconsumption of alcohol, low self asteem and self worth, hard time expressing myself or organizing my thoughts, struggling at work, the list goes on and on). (been there done that)Please don't confuse this. It is nothing but sexual abuse, sexual assault and the troubling one to me sexual exploitation. Do you still see this Stepbrother? Are you in any kind of therapy as I think it would help you find the answers you need. There is also a lot of first hand info that will come to you in these forums.
Welcome I'm glad you found this site I hope you find the help you need.

 

[Crystal80]

I used to see him but not that often until a couple years ago when I confronted him about it. He was trying to get me to call him or come see him to talk but he wouldn't let me know his feelings about it before setting something up and it made me uncomfortable not knowing anything about what he was thinking or feeling. Haven't seen him since. Our parents are no longer together, his dad died when I was in 7th grade. I've tried counseling but have had a hard time connecting with someone or being able to afford it. I've seen an energy healer/therapist..Who was the one who brought it all up. She was great but too far away:( I have an appointment to find a new therapist at the end of the month..I'm looking forward to that. The issues I've dealt with since the abuse I feel have gotten worse recently or different. Feel more depressed..Have had multiple failed relationshis, all because of me it seems, and changes in my sex drive. Those can all be caused by other things though.

Thanks for the Post Crystal80 Welcome to this community . It is a good healing place to come and share...

 

[Esterio]

I used to see him but not that often until a couple years ago when I confronted him about it. He was...

I glad you found this place there are folks here to listen and support you on this journey. Please do not blame your self for any of this it was not in any way your fault. I am Glad that you do not see him any more as that way you are safe. That is the most important thing for you is to be safe. I hope things work out with the therapist at the end of the month. I went to therapy when I was diagnosed it got to be to difficult so i made the big mistake of quitting it took 17 years and loosing everything I love before I came to the realization that I could not do this alone I needed help. If I can be of any help to you I'm here. If only to listen if that is what it takes. I am starting EMDR therapy next week for cPTSD.