DID Did and forgotten memories questions

[June1960]

How do you know if you have DID or if you are just dissociating from trauma?

I was with a total crap therapist (sorry, couldn't think of a better word) for 5 years who I mistakenly trusted. I had a fear of therapists because of a trauma in my past and she really reinforced it with her techniques and then abruptly kicked me out of her practice.

I now have a new therapist that seems maybe OK to me. There are things I haven't told her because my guard is up. We are starting work with complex PTSD which I never even knew I had until 2 years ago.

Previous therapist told me she thought I had a forgotten or repressed memory of significant abuse. She mostly listened and let me talk and talk and nothing ever got better, only worse.

Now I have learned about DID and I'm afraid. Is this why she abruptly kicked me out? She was not qualified to treat DID or complex trauma. She seemed to be good at nothing but supportive listening and believed that's what I needed to sort things out.

I remember a time many, many years ago when I was in certain relationships as a young adult that I spoke in a very childish way. It was always with a man when the relationship got serious. Not with other people. This is very fuzzy. It was so long ago. I talked like a child would, not like an adult would. I think I felt uncomfortable talking about certain subjects and would regress into childish behavior. This went off and on for maybe 6 years. One day, I suddenly realized how ridiculous this was, was embarrassed, told myself to grow up, and it never happened again.

About a year ago, I had an overwhelming urge to care for a baby. (My kids are now grown and I have no grand-kids.) It was so strong, I got out one of my daughter's old dolls (that was like a doll I used to have that my brother destroyed) and went and bought things for it that a baby would need and put the doll in a basket with the things. Then I felt better. I left it that way for a day. And then the feeling went away. I put the doll and the things away.

Now that I am in therapy again, it has gotten me thinking about these things I haven't thought about in a long time.

I have had episodes of what I think are dissociation in the past few years. I had no idea what it was when it first happened. I also have had strong emotional flashbacks of pure terror. I didn't know what those were either. I figured out the flashbacks myself. My crap therapist told me about dissociation when she triggered me into it in session. She said it was nothing to worry about and sent me on my way.

My current therapist has been trying to be reassuring that she is not going to kick me out, that she has lots of complex cases, that if she thought I needed more help than she could give, she would talk it over with me and help me find the right person for me. Still, every week I am worried I am going to get kicked out. I need to be good enough or I will be kicked out. My whole life seems to be nothing but misery since I started therapy again.

How do you know if you have DID or if you are just dissociating from trauma? What will happen to me if I do have a repressed memory that comes back? I had to move after my divorce and know almost no one here. I have no social support network here, just my daughter. I can't fall apart. I'm afraid I may try to kill myself. I don't want to do that to my daughter, but the future already looks like a big, black void. I don't want to go into it. I want to go back home. I can't go home. I would really rather be nowhere than be here, but I have to try to stay here for the sake of my daughter.

I have read and read about DID but I can't quite get my mind around it. Can a person have an alter and not know it at all? Can an alter be completely suppressed? So many questions. Am I better off just not thinking about it? If I do have DID, I think I'd rather not know. I've lost so much. I can't bear to lose any more. Sometimes I think that previous therapist put a lot of this junk in my mind and if I just stayed away from therapists I would get better. I don't think I could ever tell anybody about those weird things that happened. I'm ashamed of them. Shame was the main emotion my mother used to manipulate and punish me. I can't bear it.

One more detail, I was been seriously mis-medicated by a psych nurse several years ago and a psychiatrist tried to wean me off the stuff. It's been brutal and I've had to stop for awhile. So I am under the influence of medications.

 

[Ronin]

How do you know if you have DID or if you are just dissociating from trauma?

Childhood.

If you have D.I.D., you're likely knowing you've had periods of missing time, events you don't recognize, events you recognize as someone-else-has-done-this, events you've gotten into trouble to those switches, and so on, than simple dissociation.

It's not something that just pops up in adulthood.

Besides, feels different. Another self taking control is a different form of a dissociation; the way your perception changes isn't just changing one thing, just the trauma. It's like a Rubic cube switched multiple of the sides in the moment and while the basics fit, still just a set amount of colors and turns you can do, you're not where you were prior.

 

[June1960]

Thank you for trying to explain it to me. It's still a hard concept for me.

I have a terrible memory just in general. Very little memory of my childhood. Very fuzzy memories of things one would expect to remember clearly, like my college graduation. I almost think I only remember it because of a photo I saw. But I have read that childhood trauma can cause faulty memory circuits.

The dissociation is more like my brain shuts down or becomes blocked and just will not go forward. Push harder and get a panic attack or flashback. And then the feeling of my body floating away from me. And pure terror.

From my memories, I don't understand how I could be so traumatized, except for the more recent big T. It was at a time I had just experienced a lot of loss and was very vulnerable. I never imagined one event like that could turn my brain upsidedown and neither did my old therapist. I think that's why my old therapist was convinced I must have something repressed.

I dunno. She played her cards very close to her chest and I usually felt uncomfortable, wondering what she was really thinking. That's what I'm worried about. What was she really thinking? It's hard to imagine why she kicked me out with a phone call and would not allow me back to even discuss it with her. I tried to see another therapist in the building (a Medicaid clinic) and she refused also. She said she did not have the expertise to treat me, and yet she was a trauma therapist. What did I do? What do they think is wrong with me? I just don't understand.

 

[ladee]

The experience with that crap T( And from the sound of it, you were being NICE saying 'crap') would be a very hard thing to deal with.
Lefty with so many questions and no answers.
You are very brave to try again. Hopefully this T will work out and eventually you will come to trust her.
As far as the DID, until you feel comfortable talking with her about it..it will remain a mystery.
One thing that is suggested here quite often.is writing it down and just handing it to her. Or copying your post and letting her read it.
Whenever you feel ready to look further into it.
You may even ask her to explain DID in a way that you could understand.
There are usually too many variables for us to self diagnose.
I wish you well on this part of your journey.
You are not alone.
If you feel like it, come back and let us know how you are doing.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I don't have DID but I don't think all of this is connected to DID.

About a year ago, I had an overwhelming urge to care for a baby. (My kids are now grown and I have no grand-kids.) It was so strong, I got out one of my daughter's old dolls (that was like a doll I used to have that my brother destroyed) and went and bought things for it that a baby would need and put the doll in a basket with the things.

This I did when I had a forced "self done" (as in them, not me) abortion. I had this major need to hold a baby and care for a baby. I used an old baby doll and would rock it, pretend breast feed it, change its diaper, and put it down to sleep. I was 14. Old enough to not be playing with dolls. That went on for a bit and the urge sort of just left.

Through the years I have had what I call "baby urges" and I have been able to satisfy it by making friends (some very bad people) with people that had kids. I took care of one as like I was the mother from birth to 4 months old.

My current therapist has been trying to be reassuring that she is not going to kick me out, that she has lots of complex cases, that if she thought I needed more help than she could give, she would talk it over with me and help me find the right person for me. Still, every week I am worried I am going to get kicked out. I need to be good enough or I will be kicked out.

I did that for years with my current therapist. Years I was convinced he would end the sessions and I would always try to find the "right" things to say, to the point that he would ask "is that what you really think/feel etc or is that what you think I want to hear?" I would dress nice and just what one does when they are terrified that they will do/say something or look a certian way and boom, he'd end sessions.

Eventually though, real trust was built and today I can say he won't end sessions no matter what I do, and believe it.

Can a person have an alter and not know it at all? Can an alter be completely suppressed?

A diagnosing requirement of DID is an alter switch. Someone, other then you, controls your body. Loosing time is a possible part of it so yes, you can swich without knowing it, but that is a requirement. Its best to bring it up with you current therapist and let them do the diagnosing because, well self diagnosing is dangerous. I dont have DID but act like a child and feel young a lot. I had supressed memories that have now surfaced. I have almost like alter type of things in my head (or so it seems to me) but dont switch thus not DID.

Basically, nothing that you wrote says DID to me. I'm not an expert on DID. So bring it up with your therapist.

What will happen to me if I do have a repressed memory that comes back? I had to move after my divorce and know almost no one here. I have no social support network here, just my daughter. I can't fall apart. I'm afraid I may try to kill myself.

First, if you are afraid you may make a suicide attempt it may be best to admit yourself in an inpatient hospital? You need to keep you safe first! From my experience, supressed memories the brain purges on its own eventually. Its not something you can or should escape.

I had the same fear but after I let out why I was really there, what I could remember at the time (which was a year into going) I couldn't stop the supressed memories from coming. It took 2 more years to get them all out but I have no one other then my therapist. No family, no friends, no one to support me...but my therapist. He was enough to catch me as these memories surfaced.

But I say if you have a fear of suicide, you will want to be sure to have a plan. My therapist and I have a suicide contract: Suicide prevention contract - Wikipedia that not only serves of what to do before I will make the act to end my life but there are distractions on there that work for me, self soothing things that work for me, other things that work for me. It is an ever changing item as well as I find things that help. So I go to it a lot for self injury, addiction pulls, or just in a time where i can't handle the emotions. We have ways to start a piece of writing to help me express it if i can. All sorts of stuff. A good thing to bring up to your therapist as many here can contact their therapist through email or text (i can't) but if you can that would be on there.

Another member also said they share a dropbox account for worksheets and homework etc.

So many things can be in place before you pull out memories from supression but keeping it supressed isnt the best idea. It wasnt for me anyway.

Hopefully something in this mess of rambling helps! :hug:

 

[BlueOrange]

You've raised a lot of topics, and I want to try to address them. (My PTSD diagnosis was revised to DID after 12 years of therapy.)

Previous therapist: OMG what a frustrating and painful experience! The ones who think that supportive listening is enough should not be practicing. Argh!

The day with the doll: Awesome, well done. You found a non-destructive way to handle the feelings that came up, allowed yourself to feel them, and they faded naturally. You seem to have handled this extremely well.

Flashbacks: in themselves, these are not dangerous. They can, however, be very frightening and demoralizing. So, while the previous therapist was technically correct, simply saying "Don't worry about it" is not therapeutic. Argh!

How do you know if you have DID or if you are just dissociating from trauma? DID is dissociating from trauma (or neglect). There is no distinction to find here. The difference between PTSD and DID is not how the cracks (dissociations) were made, it's the number of cracks and how big the pieces are. PTSD is a mind that has split into one big piece and one small piece. DID is a mind that has more than one big piece, as well as some smaller pieces.

What will happen to me if I do have a repressed memory that comes back? You have a pretty good idea of what this is like when it's really powerful - you spent a day caring for a doll. Build support networks, make sure that you do have people to call. Make sure your therapist understands your situation, so that you don't do any particularly painful therapy techniques (eg EMDR) until your safety net is in better shape.

Can a person have an alter and not know it at all? There will be clues, but yes, it's possible to completely suppress an alter and be largely unaware that they exist. In such a situation, the only clue would be extreme difficulty remembering a significant period of personal history (typically childhood).

If I do have DID, I think I'd rather not know. I've lost so much. I can't bear to lose any more. Talk to your therapist about this. DID is a very scary diagnosis, and it takes a while before you feel empowered by it. (It took me a year.) It's good to manage how much you try to process at any given moment.

Sometimes I think that previous therapist put a lot of this junk in my mind and if I just stayed away from therapists I would get better. Understandable. I think they did hurt you, by digging things up and being unable to handle what they found. A good therapist will help you handle what's in front of you before going digging.

think that's why my old therapist was convinced I must have something repressed. Let's agree that your old, attempted therapist, never achieved any therapeutic outcomes. Whatever they were thinking, they weren't thinking it is a way that was well-informed enough or skilful enough to be worth examining in detail.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

What will happen to me if I do have a repressed memory that comes back?

I've had memories come back. And honestly? Nothing happened. Nothing at all. I just knew more. It wasn't a whole lot different in practice than remembering other things that are benign, except that it was more upsetting. But life continued on and no one knew and nothing actually changed except the pieces of knowledge, which, honestly, were comforting in some ways (they explained that I wasn't crazy, but reacting to real things. My reactions became valid and normal and explainable).

I don't think I could ever tell anybody about those weird things that happened. I'm ashamed of them. Shame was the main emotion my mother used to manipulate and punish me. I can't bear it.

No one is making you tell anyone right now. You get to decide if and when. You are in control. I know you probably know this, but it bears repeating because when we grow up with manipulative people, it is easy to forget that we actually do have agency.

If you have D.I.D., you're likely knowing you've had periods of missing time, events you don't recognize, events you recognize as someone-else-has-done-this, events you've gotten into trouble to those switches, and so on, than simple dissociation.

This is key. If you aren't missing chunks of time, it probably isn't DID. I know that it is scary not knowing, but even if it were DID, it would be okay, too.

A diagnosing requirement of DID is an alter switch. Someone, other then you, controls your body. Loosing time is a possible part of it so yes, you can swich without knowing it, but that is a requirement. Its best to bring it up with you current therapist and let them do the diagnosing because, well self diagnosing is dangerous.

This is true. And the clinician usually waits to see the switch before they use the DID diagnosis.

Also, according to the structural dissociation model, it isn't DID unless at least one of the alters is an "apparently normal personality" aka an adult capable of functioning independently in the world. In my case, this means that I am not always the one that goes to work (I lose massive amounts of time that I'm working) and I'm not always the one engaging in relationships. If you aren't experiencing this, chances are it isn't DID.

Hope that helps.

 

[June1960]

Thank you for all these helpful replies. I did tell my new therapist about my concerns. She has at least one client with DID. She said she sees no sign of it in me, but we are kind of new with each other. Maybe I just dissociate to cope, but don't have alters? It's still hard for me to understand what an alter is. I have a rotten memory in general and have all my life. I have read that is common in people with trauma in childhood.

 

[shimmerz]

I have a rotten memory too (have all of my life). I don't have DID.

I would say that for me, I fall into the model of Structural Dissociation theory. I have 'walls' between aspects of myself (Mother self, Work self, Baby self, Teenage self), but I have an awareness of what each of those selves are doing ..... I just can't control them while they are doing it.