What Bad Shit Have You Done - Daily, As it Comes To You, Your Past, Lets Be Honest

[goingonhope]

My 1st hospitilization was when I was 21 yrs. old. Don't remember whether I was anorexic / bulimic or combo of both, but I was and severely malnourished and dependent upon alcohol. But, didn't know this at the time. I couldn't cope and keep my job. My life was in shambles. I suffered enorm. anxiety attacks and depression and somewhere in this all I met a man who lived with my uncle and could have cared less about him as a friend; It was never anything more.

Anyhow it was awful how I treated him, for the brief time that I knew him. I used his friendship for car rides and so that I could borrow his car. When he suggested that I had a drinking problem, I grew enraged on two different occassions. At mother's house once he had said this and I retreived the two bottles of liquor I had in the house and somehow poured it out over his head at the kitchen sink. I pretty much remember how this came to happen but I don't want to go into detail as it A) makes me feel as if I'm some cruel monster and B) fear you'all think I was proud. In fact, not proud at all, still thouroughly ashamed, of how I treated this man. There was at least one other incident where it might be accurate to claim I behaved like a visicous animal while enraged. Years later I located his #, called him and apoligized, he had difficulty at first remembering and then once he did he easily forgave me. I still have difficulty forgiving myself for this one, when recalling it.

why am I doing this to myself and willingly posting this here? what is becoming of me? have I lost all sense? this is horrible what I did to this guy and it's all in the far past...he forgave me...and now have I really forgiven myself.

 

[anthony]

Hope, its about understanding that he forgave you, and all that awaits is for you to do the same of yourself. Our past is not a direct correlation to who we are today, in the sense that we are not that person we once where, but if we learn from our mistakes, then that means you have acknowledged already your mistakes, and thus learnt from them. If we do not experience, how do we learn? If we do not learn, then we only fail ourselves. You learnt hope... so a little self forgiveness is not that much to give yourself now... especially as he forgave you already.

 

[batgirl]

I don't even know if I'm allowed to say this here, but... for the last few months, I was seriously plotting to kill my landlady. I was thinking about all these ways I could do it to make it look like an accident. Nothing happened of course. I admitted it to my uncle a while back and because of that and other reasons I have moved and she's out of my life now.

 

[anthony]

Pretty normal response if you ask me when PTSD is prevalent... I am glad you now have a low stress environment though batgirl... much needed.

 

[Deleted member 93]

batgirl, growing up I tried to figure out how to do my step dad in... I tried for so long until not long ago how to do in my ex the same way (accident). I still want him dead but now with my teen there no way. Had I ever been slick enough to figure it out and not all eyes go straight to me he would had been dead long ago. Sucks admitting we have a dark side.

 

[batgirl]

Wow I guess I'm in the right place afterall. I'm always worried these things are going to shock people or make them think I'm a freak.

 

[kers]

When I was in fifth or sixth grade, I stole a $10 roll of quarters from my dad and bought candy at the 7-11, then denied it when he confronted me.

I have lied to every member of my family about where the scars on my arms have come from, and I fully intend to keep lying about the self-harm to them because it makes me feel safer.

I dumped my boyfriend of eight years suddenly and refused to see him again because I didn't want to be uncomfortable. There's more to the story, obviously, but I could have been kinder to him in ending it.

 

[Deleted member 93]

batgirl, from the start you know you found a place you fit. But think of it this way and this thread. The more we hide secrets and hold it in the more it adds to our anxiety. The more our anxiety grows the bigger all the other symptoms grow. As uncomfortable as it is to get this out of us it is a need to heal.

I know it is good I did not come up with a way. But for me, not my ex. My ex IMO still needs to be dead (I wish him a day of full blown PTSD and symptoms), but the change is I do not try to figure out how now to do it. Had I found a way... My life would be a lot different. And not in a good way.

Remember we are all healing and this is part of it, batgirl. We all have a side we would rather not admit is there. Some go on denying it is there very contently; well, we are putting it out there and most importantly getting it out of us. I am glad you put it out there as I thought I was done putting out all my "bad shit". You got more out of me. You are helping others here too, don't forget that.

 

[tig]

Talk about "the dark side..."

Batgirl-- no freaks here... Batgirl & Veild, I'm so glad you about what you wrote in your last entries. I thought I was the only one harboring these seriously homocidal thoughts/feelings. (Tho to my docs I deny it) My divorce was as nasty as they get. He abused me & our 2 children. Ex & I have been divorced for 11 yrs now, but I still want to kill him. Seriously. (But then I'm not the only one in this club.) Long ago I decided on a plan & it's not hard to execute (no pun intended). As much as I'd enjoy seeing him suffer, my plan is swift, quiet, & has little room for error. As added bonus, after all this time, I don't believe I'd be high on their list of suspects, as I have seemingly nothing to gain from his death-- except satisfaction. :biggrin:
I guess this makes me a really sick puppy. :cool:

 

[tig]

Just plain mean

I was working in Cardiovascular ICU, measuring the distance between peaks of a heartbeat w/a pair of calipers. (Kind of like a retractor, but w/needle sharp ends). A pretentious, obnoxiously arrogant colleague sat down beside me & began this "game" of "Can you top this?" Obviously, I didn't like the guy & wasn't about to engage in this useless banter serving only to build this jerk's over-inflated ego. I tolerated his one-sided conversation until I finished my task, then I said, "Harold, I bet I can do something you haven't done." He said, "What?" Then I stook the calipers into his calf (where they stayed), got up & walked away. (Everybody laughed.)

 

[becvan]

Yep, I know those feelings.. I'm still waiting for an ex to croak myself and often dream of his death (wishful thinking.) Those thoughts are pain manifesting itself because we haven't healed it. Anger masks what we really feel. I always joke with others that I smoke to reduce homicidal tendencies! LOL. I think that it's very normal for PTSD'ers and victims of abuse (without PTSD) to have these feelings and thoughts if our healing is not complete.

Bec

 

[tig]

Bec, The thing is that I thought I'd let go of the anger. It doesn't consume my every thought as it once did. This thought/feeling is just stuffed in the back of my mind somewhere. I thought of it as an old wound that hadn't completely healed, but didn't trouble me anymore. I know it's just a fantasy; but I never thought of it in terms that it was actually my healing that was incomplete. (why would I, I never dared tell a psych)
Kim