Hello,
I was beaten badly in a relationship 10 years ago. Among other things, he kicked me in my head until I lost consciousness and I have no clue how long he continued kicking me after I had passed out (and thus couldn't protect myself anymore). He also hit me in the head with a metal bar a few days later, and again I lost consciousness. Once he suddenly punched me in the temples while I was driving, and I passed out while driving. We survived the crash.... The relationship didn't last long, but parts of it was really bad, as you can tell.
I owe (most of) my PTSD to that relationship and the threats and happenings that followed the end of that relationship.
A few years later, I entered a new relationship, and I ended up crying and defending myself because he said I was being mean to him, while I really didn't mean anything mean. I would cry and cry and beg and beg and reassure him, over and over and over on a daily basis. I don't know why I didn't leave, but I think I kept questioning myself - was I doing something mean unconsciously, like he claimed? "You don't think you are mean, but you unconsciously try to hurt me". I was so confused in that relationship. I believe he was psychotic, but I was too fragile from the previous relationship to tell if it was me or not, so I just tried to be nicer and nicer until I couldn't say a thing without fear of accusations. I needed him to see my good side.
And then, not too long ago, I lived with a man for a year, and when he said similar things it really broke my confidence - He claimed I was being mean with him, when I really don't think I was. He saw mean intent in what I said all the time, even if I meant well. It really made me feel scared and paranoid of both my mind and my heart - and of him. I became terrified of making mistakes.
So, to my question.
Thinking: I was super sharp and smart and had good, happy relationships up until the fatal one, 10 years ago. After that my brain at times feels like a foggy lump of useless mass, and I am not clear like I used to be.
Moods: I also used to keep my moods stable through anything, even through fights or physical withdrawals (caffeine and nicotine) or no sleep. I had a high tolerance for stress, I guess. After that, I have struggled with mood changes from small things like a cup of coffee, or a glass of soda with aspartame, or with nervousness from not sleeping.
Triggers: If accused of being mean, I feel as if I leave my body and I just end up begging for kindness. "be kind, be kind, be kind". I was labeled "crazy" because of this begging, but I felt unsafe when accused of meaning something I didn't mean, and with the fog that came on, I couldn't even explain myself, and just ended up begging for kindness.
In periods I feel so foggy I lose words, when stressed. I just cannot find my head's sharpness anymore. I lose my vision too, at times. My head feels like a dense lump of inflamed flesh that I cannot contact with my nervous system. It is partly linked to eating the "wrong things" or not resting enough or stressors in romantic relationships. I feel unable to think and I become whiny and weak in a way I hate, just crying and begging for kindness. It isn't pretty, nor very rational. I only feel ok if I don't eat for half a day, don't talk with people and am on vacation and walk alone in the forest. Then I feel ok for a while at times, but it isn't very sustainable.
Is this brain fog and that behavior "just ptsd" as normal, or did I get a brain injury from the beating? Or is this the beginning of some mental disorder?
I feel ok when I'm not in relationships, and the relationships I had from before the initial trauma are still good. My work relationships are also good. And the romantic relationships I have had since the initial traumatic one, have been with men that people have said "are no good", so it might be them, but I still don't like how I react with this "brain paralysis". Any thoughts?
I was beaten badly in a relationship 10 years ago. Among other things, he kicked me in my head until I lost consciousness and I have no clue how long he continued kicking me after I had passed out (and thus couldn't protect myself anymore). He also hit me in the head with a metal bar a few days later, and again I lost consciousness. Once he suddenly punched me in the temples while I was driving, and I passed out while driving. We survived the crash.... The relationship didn't last long, but parts of it was really bad, as you can tell.
I owe (most of) my PTSD to that relationship and the threats and happenings that followed the end of that relationship.
A few years later, I entered a new relationship, and I ended up crying and defending myself because he said I was being mean to him, while I really didn't mean anything mean. I would cry and cry and beg and beg and reassure him, over and over and over on a daily basis. I don't know why I didn't leave, but I think I kept questioning myself - was I doing something mean unconsciously, like he claimed? "You don't think you are mean, but you unconsciously try to hurt me". I was so confused in that relationship. I believe he was psychotic, but I was too fragile from the previous relationship to tell if it was me or not, so I just tried to be nicer and nicer until I couldn't say a thing without fear of accusations. I needed him to see my good side.
And then, not too long ago, I lived with a man for a year, and when he said similar things it really broke my confidence - He claimed I was being mean with him, when I really don't think I was. He saw mean intent in what I said all the time, even if I meant well. It really made me feel scared and paranoid of both my mind and my heart - and of him. I became terrified of making mistakes.
So, to my question.
Thinking: I was super sharp and smart and had good, happy relationships up until the fatal one, 10 years ago. After that my brain at times feels like a foggy lump of useless mass, and I am not clear like I used to be.
Moods: I also used to keep my moods stable through anything, even through fights or physical withdrawals (caffeine and nicotine) or no sleep. I had a high tolerance for stress, I guess. After that, I have struggled with mood changes from small things like a cup of coffee, or a glass of soda with aspartame, or with nervousness from not sleeping.
Triggers: If accused of being mean, I feel as if I leave my body and I just end up begging for kindness. "be kind, be kind, be kind". I was labeled "crazy" because of this begging, but I felt unsafe when accused of meaning something I didn't mean, and with the fog that came on, I couldn't even explain myself, and just ended up begging for kindness.
In periods I feel so foggy I lose words, when stressed. I just cannot find my head's sharpness anymore. I lose my vision too, at times. My head feels like a dense lump of inflamed flesh that I cannot contact with my nervous system. It is partly linked to eating the "wrong things" or not resting enough or stressors in romantic relationships. I feel unable to think and I become whiny and weak in a way I hate, just crying and begging for kindness. It isn't pretty, nor very rational. I only feel ok if I don't eat for half a day, don't talk with people and am on vacation and walk alone in the forest. Then I feel ok for a while at times, but it isn't very sustainable.
Is this brain fog and that behavior "just ptsd" as normal, or did I get a brain injury from the beating? Or is this the beginning of some mental disorder?
I feel ok when I'm not in relationships, and the relationships I had from before the initial trauma are still good. My work relationships are also good. And the romantic relationships I have had since the initial traumatic one, have been with men that people have said "are no good", so it might be them, but I still don't like how I react with this "brain paralysis". Any thoughts?
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