Toughest Therapy Session Thus Far.

[caliaviator]

Today I went to therapy, and it really did hit me where it hurt. I started talking about my childhood from the 4th grade up and initially I was talking about it, but then the therapist noticed that I was talking about it with some distance, as if it were happening to someone else. As we probed in deeper she still noticed some emotional detachment on my part when I talked about the issues. When I started using the words "I" and "me" and talking about how I actually felt rather than what happened it nearly broke me.

It's been so long since I actually approached my past issues with feeling that I pretty damn near lost the ability to feel. It was very foreign to me, It was like when you dig through a box you haven't opened in years and then you come across this little wooden box buried deep within the mess that contains everything you put aside in order to adopt your new self that would help you survive the trauma. Tears were building up and I honestly, for the very first time in a long time, felt truly vulnerable. To be honest it scares me because I spent years, a decade in a half, just reinventing myself in order to survive in a situation where many people would just give up and commit suicide because it was too much.

My therapist also told me that one thing she noticed was that every time I talk to her about these things I become extremely emotionless. I know this isn't news since I heard it often but when someone sees this then does a pretty good job at tearing, or at least damaging the safeguard it just really impacts me.

I really don't know what to think. For the first time in years the place that I tried to forget and avoid I caught a glimpse of it. It's as intimidating and foreboding as I remember it, and suddenly I'm becoming that 4th grader again. For so long I tried to suppress my childhood self because I saw it as "weak", but now my long lost childhood self is coming out and is still as terrified as it was then.

To make matters worse, I saw one of the kids that drew me into a life of violence from high school. It's like my past is surfacing not only mentally, but physically. Immediately my guard went up and was ready to fight as if it was programmed into me for a lack of a better term, but at the same time that 4th grader came out and just filled me with dread. I told my dad everything that I was scared to tell him when I was younger. It was extremely hard but I forced myself to do it. I was holding back tears but yet kept my composure. I was that emotionless robot again, but inside screaming and tortured. My dad only saw bits and pieces of my hell; he never saw the full extent of it. But he at least knows about why I'm going to therapy. It was my life combined with my life in the military, combined with even more stress that made me break. At least he understands.

Right now I have so much hatred inside. So much vengeance, where I want to line up all the people who put me through hell and give them what they gave me so they know what they did to me. That within itself would be perfect justice, black and white, an eye for an eye. I use this hatred and anger to push people away, it permeates everything I do even when the moments are supposed to be happy ones. It's the radiation in the beam of sunshine and the rattlesnake in the calm field where one would have a picnic. And the worst thing was this was so normal for me that I didn't even notice it, it became routine. I want it out, but it feels like it's a part of me.

One thing that the therapist did is when she ripped my defense mechanism, my entire body shook. This is going to be hell that's going to trump all my previous hells, and I feel like I'm just now starting my decent.

 

[Tosh]

I understand what you mean when you say you talked about it from an emotional distance. Talking about my traumas is so hard because I begin to feel like I'm comming out of my body. I start to go numb all over. I tap on my legs to try and keep myself in the present. It's new to me cause I'm starting to tap into childhood emotions that I've just stuffed and detached from in order to survive. When I get an emotional flashback that is filled with anger (alot of mine are) you'll find me in the backyard, digging a hole. Ripping up the grass, throwing the dirt clods in a pile. My goal is to take the anger and icky feelings and try to turn it into something beautiful, a garden. It felt so good to just go out there (while it was pouring down rain) and just dig and pull up the grass. :) It was a huge release from the all consuming emotions I've begun to tap into for the first time.

 

[karissa]

Tosh! I love your coping skill of gardening! I want to do that but I live in an apartment. My coping skills have been so awful lately, totally relying on meds.

Cal - This is what happens with therapy of this sort. When you first tell you story, you will feel numb (emotionless). Then when the reality hits or your wall is broken down, your physiological symptoms kick in (shakiness). The more and more you talk about it in therapy, the less and less your symptoms will be while talking about it. I am sorry you have to go through this part but it is integral in the process of healing from your trauma. Stay STRONG and be BRAVE!

 

[caliaviator]

Tosh- I would love to do that. I always found doing physical work or building something to be especially relaxing. When you work you're in the moment and then when you get finished the sense of accomplishment. Right now I live in an apartment, but I'm going to look for some stuff to do that allows me to do something constructive.

Karissa- Thanks for the encouragement :) I'm pretty much half and half on my wall. Half of me wants it down and half of me wants it still up. I'm siding with the part that wants it down. Though I don't know how to force myself to break it down when I automatically try to protect myself. I bought this book called The PTSD sourcebook, hopefully it will help me get the most of my weekly therapy sessions. Again thank you for the support :)

 

[Dee Morris]

I bought this book called The PTSD sourcebook

I have "The PTSD" Workbook by Mary Beth Williams, Ph.D., LCSW, CTS & Soili Poijula Ph.D. My Psychiatrist recommended it & helped me in finding a good fit by making sure that I knew & understood the progression of trauma therapy. I have worked through some of the pages but it seems like every time I am able to establish a pattern of progress something happens to set me back. The book has helped me ask myself the right questions when I am journaling.

 

[anthony]

I have "The PTSD" Workbook

That is a good book for any sufferer to have and do some self work with. A great start, that is for sure... something I would recommend any person doing to force some daily time to work in that book. It was one of my first books I worked through man years ago.

 

[ronin47]

Give yourself a big pat on the back for getting through such a hard session. Your feelings of anger and vengefullness sound similar to something I went through about a year into my real therapy. I had a tremendous amount of anger built up toward my family for what they put me through. Interestingly enough, my therapist actually said he thought that was a good thing, that my anger was directed toward others instead of inward at myself and turning into depression. He said that was a sign of progress.

 

[karissa]

Cal- Do you feel safe in the therapy office with your therapist? That is the first step for trauma therapy. Once that is established, you can start working on telling your trauma and working on it with your therapist. Once you establish safety then the time is right to let you wall down. But everyone is different.

 

[KP the nut]

(((Cal))), You made a big step in getting those thought/images/memories out. It is so hard. For me mentally, it is the hardest thing I have faced. It will improve. V slowly I am managing my symptoms better, like you I find it hard to show emotion. I do know I would not be at this stage without my T.

To me T is a necessary evil to recovery. A memory will come up and T wil say 'OK, let's go with that' and I want to scream at him 'NO'. But deep down I know I have to process the memory, so I push through it.

Sending strength
KP

 

[caliaviator]

Cal- Do you feel safe in the therapy office with your therapist?

Honestly I don't really feel that safe, but that's probably because I don't know her that well. I have disclosed a massive amount of information regarding my trauma, but when it comes to showing emotion that's where I have problems. I guess I don't feel safe because I don't really know what I might do with all that emotion flooding in at once. On top of that I'm actually afraid of telling her that I have suicide ideation because I don't know whether or not they're gonna send me to a psychiatric hospital or something equally bad. But you're right karissa I think I need to feel safe before I let down my barriers. When I am alone is when I feel safe.

((KP)), This has been the hardest thing I've ever done. Physically I can meet just about any challenge that comes my way. But when it comes to the mental side that's where I run into problems. I have mixed feelings about therapy. One side sees it as something I need to have and the other side is telling me that I can handle this on my own; which I know I can't. I pretty much force myself to go, but when I walk out I feel...well I don't want to say better because that wouldn't accurately describe it. It feels like I accomplished something but at the same time I feel like yarn after a kitten played with it. Sort of like my barrier was damaged, torn, twisted, and my past came back to haunt me but at the same time I faced it. My memories are pretty much taunting me in a way since I have weekly therapy. It's like they're saying "see you next week" It's hard for me to describe.

But thank you all for the strength :) I'm definitely gonna need it.