Nugget Vs. Trains & Buses Part 5 - For Old Times Sake

[nugget]

Well people i just couldnt hold back anymore so many stories to tell, so much water has passed under the bridge. Many a train ticket passed threw a ticket machine, Hundreds of lost souls wandering around the train station looking for the right platform to board their train for home or to work. Me just hanging there waisting time as i do not wanting to rush myself incase i bring on a panic attack fall over or wet myself as ive done so i sit and wait. Ok traffic in the station has calmed down now, three hours has passed im doing fine i have moved about six feet closer to the exit, then im outside to deal with the real world. Five hours have past with the exit clearly in my vision just steps away i check my watch, shit about thirteen minutes till my return train ride home. Oh well tomorrows another day my Psychologist is over the moon that i tried and that i made it that far, im pissed off it cost me a $7.20 and i never made it to the exit gates. Another day on the transit system and im off to (school) my class starts at 7pm , a easy task for your average person. But the old PTSD just seems to get in their and f--- things up so my wife spends the best part of a hour working out a plan for me with as to what train,bus to catch to and from school. Its goes some thing like this first bus i have to catch is at 440pm that takes me to the train station catch the 521pm train to the city then the 630pm bus to within a 5minute walk to the school fabulous PTSD or not its a hell of a ride. So i arrive at school ten minutes early great i have time to have a smoke calm down get into the room before anybody else turns up and settle down. I have a quick chat to the teacher whom i have meet before she was my teacher in the psych hospital i was in earlier this year so that part was easier. The 7pm start time came quickly all students seated shit i was the only male in the class, the lady next to me keeps looking at me, what have i done did i forget to wipe my nose. She knows my name this scares me, my heart rate goes up and down my speech starts to stutter i try to calm myself down its not working, panic attack on its way. My teacher sees my troubles and breaks the class for a coffee its then the lady sitting next to me offers to help me. Rob come outside and talk about it, shit you sound like one of the nurses from the hospital ? AH penny drops she was a nurse from the psych hospital, looked different out of uniform. By now all the other students are wondering whats going on with me and teacher and the other student oh the gossip, one by one they all come over to see if im doing ok, i think its the first time any of them have seen a 6`1" 125kg bloke have a panic attack in the middle of a class room. Any way easiest thing to do was for my teacher to tell my fellow students that i do have a mental disorder and i have spent time in a psych hospital blah blah all fixed now. So my class finished at 9pm as a good student i am i stayed to help clean up, i had to be at the bus stop at 930pm to catch the bus back to the city, bus arrived 935ish arrived in town 950pm and what time did my connecting train leave town you guessed it 950pm so i had to wait till the next train at 1050pm. Can you imagine how many drongos and deadbeats are hanging around the train station that time of night well their goes my anxiety levels again. Shit now i have to wait another hour for the next train what the f--- am i to do, ok dont worry, dont panic, dont think, ring the wife thats what i will do she can protect me over the phone. Holy shit that was a very long hour 1050pm finally came around 99% of the dickheads at the station boarded the same train as me shit this night only gets better,its a forty minute ride to the station where i connect to the bus that takes me on my final leg to my warm cosy home. We arrive at the station dark and cold my bones still ache from the panic attack earlier that night, theirs not a bus within in sight only drunken dickheads i have a few more smokes, my nerves are all but shot, by now a angel could tap me on the shoulder and i would die of fright. But whats this i see coming a bus i do not care which number bus im getting on the bugger just to get the hell out of here, it wasnt my bus but it was one that comes within a block of my house so i got my sorry arse butt on board and headed home. Well i made it home very worn out very tired and the time was 1150pm. That makes a round trip of 7hours and 10 minutes for a 2hrs lesson.

 

[Deleted member 93]

Damn what a rough go... But you did it. Damn happy for you. You keep amazing me.

 

[jods]

I know it was hard for you babe. For what it's worth, I'm glad you are doing a class that you want to do & have the balls to get out there & do it. I know the travel isn't user friendly for you but I understand why you don't want me to drive you there.
I'm very proud of you & it just makes me love you more!

 

[batgirl]

That's awesome Rob, glad you were able to get through it okay. Shit that is a very long trip anyways, I think anyone would feel stressed somewhat! It's nice to see you posting your stories again, I was really missing them. :)

 

[Marlene]

Rob,

Sounds like a tough day. But you did it! And that's the important part. Good for you. And the fact that you have two people in your class who know you and can help you if things get too tight is a such a boon.

BTW-I'm with Evie. I've missed your stories, too.

Lisa

 

[nugget]

Thanks wife love you to, but just a little bit more.
Evie,Marlene, I am going to start posting my tales again to tell you the truth the only reason I stopped was that their is so many new comers to the forum i was scared off a bit but im working my way back.

 

[anthony]

Shit Rob... you just don't have boring adventures mate.... well and truly impressed though at your effort and desire to achieve beating your symptoms.

Tell me, why so worried about what other people are doing though at the train and bus stations? We both know the likelyhood any of them would have the courage to bother you is extremely low... You did great and should be proud of yourself once again.

 

[jods]

Good point Anthony!
I did say to hubby that I thought it was a bit funny that he was scared of the other "strange" people. When you consider that to most people he would look like the scary one.
Even my friends thought he had that biker look about him when they first met him. Little did they know about the gentle giant that lives inside his shell.
If anything I'd be the scary one, lol!
Just another hurdle he has to & has been working on to regain control of his life.
I'm always amazed at what he pushes himself to do to slowly rebuild his new path of life.

 

[Portabella]

Very impressive....Kudos to you. Also....I am one of the new people, and am surely glad to meet ya and share our stories of lifes trials and tribulations during our journey. By the way, great job.

 

[anthony]

I think thats it Jods... chances are from seeing Rob myself, I could place the majority of fear onto the kids who are looking at him, hoping Rob doesn't come near them or the like, because they are likely more scared than he may be. Intimidation is good thing when you have it naturally, and can use it to your advantage under such circumstances.... keeps a person in the clear. I know, because I look like a very scary person to most people, one who often even the biggest bloke in a place will steer clear off for the most part. My height and looks often cease any issues before they even begin.

 

[nugget]

Its funny Anthony, as big and ugly as i am i took my son to kindergarten the other week and a little girl walked upped to me and nearly fell over backwards looking up at me and asked me if i was real. It got me to thinking back then what people thought of me and what i thought of myself and how i see myself. The two are totally different, apparently people see this bloke with a bald head goatee and tatts, i see a normal bloke going about his daily chores. Then theres this other side of me that see everything as i did as a teenager all my fears come back to about the age of my sexual abuse. Thats when i have trouble with crowds, trains stations late at night, or being alone when i dont have full control of whats going on around me. Im not sure if its any thing left over from my sexual abuse that still stops me from over coming another hurdle but its a big barstard ive tried to get over many a time. Ive come close so many times its as if i knock the hurdle over just as im nearly there then ive got another 100 mt to go before the next hurdle. I dont mind being honest and saying i get very scared when im by myself its frighting some times, then i get the shits up big time because i was never like this before my accident, i could walk down the darkest street in town and not flinch, i never walked around acting tough, but i could handle myself (or look like i could lol) but now im like this little mouse who sits in the corner waiting for every body to go so i can come out and get on with my shit.

 

[Marlene]

I dont mind being honest and saying i get very scared when im by myself its frighting some times, then i get the shits up big time because i was never like this before my accident, i could walk down the darkest street in town and not flinch, i never walked around acting tough, but i could handle myself (or look like i could lol) but now im like this little mouse who sits in the corner waiting for every body to go so i can come out and get on with my shit.

Rob,

I've felt the same way too many times to count in the last year. Things I used to take for grated or do without thinking are now a big flipping deal that require way too much thought. There are a lot things that I have done in my life that I look at and try to imagine myself doing it now and all I can think is 'uh-huh'.

I keep thinking if I get to 'this point' or 'that point' that things will click back for me and then they don't and it frustrates the hell out of me. The expression 'I used to have a handle on life...but it broke!' has taken on a whole new meaning for me. The frustration levels at not doing what I used to so easily can be pretty tough sometimes.

Lisa