He's Dating...

[piratelady]

I just got back from an evening with my friend. Someone she knows is working with my Ex's new girlfriend. Well, she's not "new" they dated in high school and I'm pretty sure he cheated on me with her. But...they are dating. He abused me, he was the wrong-doer and he just moves on like nothing. Why can't I be the one to move on and be happy and okay?

Apparently he's doing great and treats her wonderfully. What did I do that was so wrong that justifies him treating her so well and him abusing me so much. I just don't know what I did to deserve what he did to me. I know no one can answer these questions, it is just what is going on in my head...over and over again. What did I do?

I am just so upset. I don't know what to do.

 

[piratelady]

To top this off - I think I should be able to identify what I am feeling. I can't, it's not fear. I am just, maybe sad. I am so tense, like physically. I want to cry but I can't. My mind is just racing trying to figure out why they are so happy and he did such awful things to me. What did I do? Why do I deserve this? I think maybe this is anxiety...aside from feeling like I did something wrong I can't even identify my feelings..STILL. :bag:

 

[Whitneys story]

Apparently he's doing great and treats her wonderfully.

Sounds like the relationship is very new. Those who treat people as he did you usually don't change. Generally it is their own behavior and not about the ones they abuse.

Past programming from being abused takes time to rise above. You are doing the right thing taking care of yourself. I am sorry you have to hear about his life. I would not have a lot of respect for the person giving you this hurtful information. What does it accomplish? What motive for telling you?

Surround yourself with positive people who have your best interest at heart. Put your energy in your journey. Wishing you the best! Hugs Whitney:hug:

 

[Shellbell]

You didn't do anything to deserve the abuse you had from him, at all. The abuse was about 'him' entirely, and nothing about you, or who you are. Abuse is never acceptable or justifiable.

I doubt he has changed, and as Whitney said, the relationship is new, but the abuse sadly will probably creep in at some stage. If he has changed, then that's good, but I doubt it.

Whitney's advice is great about surrounding yourself with positive people, who you deserve to have in your life, who treat you well, care about you and respect you.

Hugs from me too :hug:

 

[Dallas]

I have no time or patience for people who don't treat me well, and for those who really know me, love me. I delete everyone else. You should delete this guy. Life is too short and there is too much to do.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[piratelady]

Whitney and Shellbell: I guess maybe part of the problem is that no one really knows about the abuse. I don't think my friend knew the impact that information would have on me. I tried to seem okay and then I left and then just got overwhelmed. I don't know why she told me this. She would feel awful if she knew she hurt me.

I keep feeling like I am getting better and like I am okay, then something happens that just stirs everything up again.

Dallas: "Deleting the guy" is easier said than done. Maybe one day I will manage to do that.


I have calmed down a little. Hopefully my therapist can get me in next week.

 

[Bill Dickerson]

Number one thing is you didn't do anything. Unless you have the ability to control his mind with yours and cause him to strike/hit/yell/humiliate/intimidate/Etc. you it's not your fault.

There a cycle of abuse. It's like a wheel where he starts out sweet and kind but inevitably abusive. Unless he gets help this wheel will keep going. Sometimes it's moves faster than others but it always goes back to candy and flowers and it will never happen again. Eventually the power and control issue raises it's ugly head. At first he controls with words and then fists and sometimes he kills you by accident.

Part of the abuse is making you feel it's your fault and your worthless. It's all about power and control and making it your fault allows him to control you. The feelings are are jumble since it's like coming out of a coma. For so long everything has been foggy but when you can get away and get perspective it takes a while to adjust to the daylight. It may take some time but things will get clearer and remember it's not YOUR fault

 

[Deleted member 12723]

It is not your fault. I agree with everyone. He will most likely abuse her as well. He cannot change on his own. It is always the charm that gets turned on in the beginning until he feels safe.

You got out and set yourself free. You are free of him. I do not understand what her motives were for telling you. That would have been better left unsaid to you. It was a very thoughtless thing to do. Even though you say she would not want to hurt you.

I know it hurts inside of you. You have alot of sorting out to do. It will take time. I wish you the best on this one. He has selected another target. He has not moved on at all. He will keep on doing this over and over. it is who he is.

I am sorry this is happening to you. Big hugs.

 

[piratelady]

Thank you guys. For a while I believed it wasn't my fault, now it seems I've lost that perspective again. Hopefully I will get that back soon. Thanks.

 

[piratelady]

Once I started crying last night, I couldn't stop. I've been weepy today and am trying very hard not to cry. I did manage to get an appointment with my therapist next week. I really need it. Desperately.

My version of what my friends should know is apparently skewed. I was talking to another friend at work about what happened. She was angry that my other friend said something to me and that she was so insensitive. I just don't see it that way. I guess I need to learn how I should be treated. Maybe that's what I did wrong. When people treat me badly, I don't see it. I don't know. I need to stop thinking on this somehow.

 

[therapybankrupt]

Piratelady Hi! if you wouldn't mind I would like to tell you that you did nothing wrong. We do not ask for abuse. I understand your feelings when it comes to thinking the other person changes for the good! Why couldn't they do that for me? Truth is he probably has not changed and you are lucky to be out of that situation. It took me time in a similar situation but you will see they do not change.

 

[Whitneys story]

Hopefully I will get that back soon. Thanks.

Yes you will, and it comes in stages. No matter how it happened you have suffered a loss. Grieve the loss but not him.
(((((piratelady))))))
Write his name on the bottom of your shoe and do the stomp! Shake, rattle and roll; it will do wonders. Hugs Whitney