Why Post If You're Just Going To Keep Eating Worms?

[Rovawel]

Something bubbled up in my head looking at the "less trauma" thread about how we see other members... not about what brings us here, but how each of handles things. Does anyone else get frustrated when offering their input to a thread only to get a repeat of the original post as a reply? There's a kids song that pops into my mind sometimes, 'nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I'll go eat worms...'

To make up an obviously fictional example, let's say someone posts about their shoes not being comfortable. One reply suggests checking for pebbles or trying different socks, another gives a link to different ways to lace up shoes, and a third suggests they visit a podiatrist to make sure it's not a foot problem. The original poster replies "I don't like taking my shoes off and these socks are fine. My laces are how I like them. I don't want to go to the doctor. My feet hurt because my shoes are uncomfortable. They're really bad. I'm thinking of cutting my legs off so my shoes don't bug me anymore." I'm going on a limb there and hoping no one has posted any footwear related concerns, it's just a random thing for an example.

The shoes in the example could be anything. Fill in the blank, but the original poster has created a discussion and refutes any possible solution offered, blows off suggestions and continues to complain. I can't comprehend why they'd post in the first place. Could anyone explain that?

If not, would you like to sing the "Guess I'll go eat worms" song with me?:whistling::singing::hug::spitdummy:

 

[Anulur]

I will admit I usually check out of the conversation at that point. I've also come to a place in my life that I've realized most people when asking for advice are in reality meaning 'support'. They don't necessarily want the solution they are asking for, they want a hug and a pat on the back with an 'It's alright/you tried/this must be so hard' So in that same vein, any advice I give, I give with the knowledge that in all probability will be forgotten by morning and most definitely will not be heeded. So its a little pointless that I reply at all, isn't it? I suppose I always do because I hope something might get through, or that someone else with the same problem but too afraid to speak up, will actually want a solution.

 

[Nesij]

I think sometime people just want to vent.

They don't want advice, or help with solutions, they just want to get it out of their system. It's the mistake of the other people posting to assume that advice is wanted, or that the person needs help with their problem.

Unless they specifically ask for it now, I don't give advice, and I don't like it when people give me advice when all I want is to vent.

It would help though, if the original poster would make it clear that they only want to vent and don't want advice...though this has gotten me expelled from other forums for being so bold as to not want advice from people who are compulsive helpers.

 

[Guvoja]

People often say if they are venting. I sometimes see posts that ask for help, but then bat away every suggestion with a reason not to. I think people are hoping for a magic wand sometimes, they don't want to push themselves. I can't blame them for wanting, but it can be frustrating for the people responding.

There is a question too about how much support is good, if it seems to be supporting someone in helplessness.

 

[Sekic]

Maybe the original poster has already come up with all those suggestions themself, which is why they may have blown them off. Or they may have considered those and come to the conclusion they're not for them. Sometimes a thread seems "dead" and all of a sudden comes back to life with that one suggestion that is a hit.

 

[Avun]

Sometimes to vent. Sometimes denial maybe. All I know is I can only do that dance for so long. If I offer a suggestion take it or leave it but please don't beat me over the head with reasons why it "can't" be done. My T says "can't" is often a refusal anyway. There are of course some exceptions.

 

[Anaku]

Some people aren't at the stage yet where they realize that change can only happen if THEY change something. They're still at the stage waiting for something or someone else to come along and magically change their lives. They're waiting for that 'lucky break' etc. It takes a while for some people to open their eyes and see.

"Be the change you want to be"

Not everyone is there .......yet. Some, sadly never get there ever.

 

[Ateg]

There is a question too about how much support is good, if it seems to be supporting someone in helplessness.

They're still at the stage waiting for something or someone else to come along and magically change their lives.

I think we can normally tell when someone is just venting. They tend to "speak" differently in other threads or posts; they show some awareness of the situation. When it is a consistent pattern I think it is more than that. It is rather that they are waiting for someone to save them. They are stuck in a victim mentality and leaving it possibly feels like they are giving up on getting that support they never got as a child.

Sadly apparently it isn't good to continue supporting a person in this state. Its a hard realisation as they are obviously in a lot of pain. So although my instincts are to keep going and trying to get them to take a step forward (and I do slip into it sometimes) I do step back when they lapse into continuous "fix me" " save me" patterns as I know it isn't good for them to get positive reinforcement for them. It is sadly when tough love needs to come in as hard as that is (it is hard for me).

I think its fine when it isnt a long term pattern (we all have those moments to an extent) and I also think too much "advice" laden posts at the wrong time can be unhelpful too. Its all so complicated! :O_o: :p

 

[Wezupi]

Some people aren't at the stage yet where they realize that change can only happen if THEY change something.

Some people don't want to change. I guess they're posting because they want to justify that. There's always a reason why other people can do things but they can't. Those posts are very draining.

 

[Zeguko]

There are those who also are type A personality, they drive to do well at everything they tackle, but it is a temp fix to what's broken inside. When something hits wrong they fall apart, usually pretty badly too. Recognizing something, and fixing it is too different things. Fixing self esteem issues is hell. Personally it is harder for me to reach out when going through something. I don't want to be a bother or a burden to anyone. And my own hell is my own, especially when others are struggling to find their mirrors too.

 

[Apoci]

I can't help but agree with the original poster of this thread. I like to be positive and I like positive replies. Other people's suggestions and experiences are welcome but I always look for ways forward rather than wanting to look backwards and reliving how bad I have felt before.

I don't spend as much time on the forum as I used to, as I don't feel I need it now. However I appreciate that others do, and I like to give them encouragement.

PTSD is tough, but you can get better. It is sheer hard work and a desire to recover that - in my opinion - gets results.

The number of therapists you have or have had is irrelevant. Getting the right one and then working with them is what matters. They are not there to 'make you better' they are there to help you find ways to make yourself better. There is no 'magic wand'!!

 

[Bikozu]

Some people are in difficult situations where getting the help they need isn't as easily accessible as it might be for others. Difficulties might be: financial hardship and being unable to afford the treatment they need, geographical issues where a person might live very away from the nearest help available, not being able to afford health insurance, being put on a long waiting list to be able to see someone through government funding/a government system, disabilities that make if difficult for a person to be mobile and get to places for help... There are endless possible reasons.

Some people are also living in situations that are troublesome or even downright abusive, and most of us here know what it's like to feel unable to control a situation due to other abusive people. When you are trapped in a situation, the possibility of getting out or being able to recognise a way to solve something that does not cause immense stress and anxiety can seem unfathomable.

And sometimes, it just takes a person a long time to recognise or acknowledge something, even if it's been pointed out to them. Remember: we all decided to come here only because we recognised that we need help and support - we all come to realisations and acknowledgements about ourselves when we have enough emotional strength to, not necessarily because someone has pointed something out to us. We all reach conclusions and decisions in our own time. If we have a lot on our plate to deal with, some things are going to take longer to address and accept than others.

People are here for all kinds of reasons, and people are at all different levels of management, treatment and progress. If a person doesn't want or isn't ready to address something they need to work on or change, it's up to them to do that and getting frustrated or annoyed with such people is a waste of energy. Focus on yourself, not on others. If they don't take advice you give them, that's their perogrative. It's not something people should be shaming others for.