Difficulty With "feeling" Feelings?

[Mayday]

I realised that I have trouble with actually feeling what I am feeling. Which may be why I dissociate so much and also why I remember so little.

I found an article online about how to get in touch with emotions, and although I can only skim read it because of my concentration not being very good at the moment, the following bits really stuck out.

"They intellectualize and analyze their feelings without feeling them"
I do this all the time. I think that's why I don't remember much, because I am trying to access the memories but not the feelings, but maybe that is impossible because they are too bound together.

"People are afraid to really feel their feelings, afraid of losing control, afraid of the pain involved in feeling their emotions, of feeling the sense of loss or failure or whatever the emotion brings with it".
I don't even know why I don't feel feelings, maybe it is fear.

I'm trying now to feel by trying to focus on how my midriff/navel area feels (apparently many emotions are stored in the body in this area) and it is interesting to actually feel something instead of just thinking it? I dunno...

I guess I'm asking if anyone has any ideas or approaches about simple things that have worked for them in terms of being more aware of how they are feeling instead of how they are thinking.

They have to be simple things to do because concentrating is really hard for me right now.

I can't post a link to the article because I don't have a high enough post count or something.

 

[piratelady]

I don't have any ideas or approaches to help in this area, but I am curious to see what others may have to offer. I struggle with the same area. I rarely actually "feel" anything. The part above about being afraid of losing control really resonates with me.

Part of my problem is often when I was younger I was often made fun of or yelled at for showing some of my feelings. I think over time, I learned to turn them off or intellectualize them.

Sometimes I fear that if I start to feel some things, the flood gates will open, so to speak and it will break me...

Anyway, I am curious to see what others have to say as well.

 

[Mayday]

I think over time, I learned to turn them off or intellectualize them

I think I did the same, I wasn't allowed to have "bad" feelings because it would upset things, but was expected to still have "good" feelings or at least pretend too, all too confusing for a kid, so I just detached from feeling anything.

Sometimes I fear that if I start to feel some things, the flood gates will open, so to speak and it will break me...

I fear this sometimes too.

 

[MoodElevator]

A lot of the work that I have done with my therapist is psycho-somatic in nature. I experience the same disconnection and intellectualization that you do. In order to draw out the feelings themselves I've learnt to focus on the physical manifestations that arise when I 'think' about them; such as a pain in my chest or a feeling of stiffness in my right leg or any other physical sensation. I focus on the physical feeling and identify what emotions arise while doing that with my therapist. This method has worked very well for me and continues to. I'm someone who is very quick to hide my emotions behind my intellect and/or charisma.

 

[piratelady]

I think I did the same, I wasn't allowed to have "bad" feelings because it would upset things, but was expected to still have "good" feelings or at least pretend too

Same here. It became habit over time. What things I do feel, I suppress. Eventually they build up and I have a meltdown or something. Anyone who knows or hears about it is shocked because "I'm always so happy." ...If they only knew.

My therapist made a comment a few weeks ago about my fear of feeling vulnerable. Do you ever think that maybe you worry that if you do feel those feelings it will make you vulnerable to being hurt again? Like sometimes I think if people know that I'm sad or hurting, and if they know what causes those feelings in me, one day they will deliberately use that knowledge to cause me pain. Like not feeling is sort of a defense mechanism or at least not showing what I'm feeling.

MoodElevator: Thanks for the information. I will have to try to pay attention next time to the physical manifestations.

 

[therapybankrupt]

Great thread. I am listening. The body sensations make sense. I will start noticing and try to make a connection. I too do not know how to feel.

 

[raven123]

Do you ever think that maybe you worry that if you do feel those feelings it will make you vulnerable to being hurt again?

I've been hurt so many times by so many people I'm not sure being "vulnerable" is an option. Not offline anyway. People, I've learned the hard way, don't have many qualms about using other's feelings for their own ends. I can really read people now, and, honestly, they are very few genuine people out there. Our society has become so narcissistic it's sickening. Since I'm really unaware how I feel a lot of them time, the read others thing has come in handy.

What ticks me off is some people wanted me to "feel" and tell them about, so I did, then they (a) totally discounted everything by refusing to talk about (shrinks refused to discuss my rape/child abuse; family called me a liar) and (b) people bitched I was too honest telling them how I felt and (c) I got used pretty badly by some equally screwed up people in a "support group" and "churches" that really was only support when you listened to them (both) and agreed with all their bullsh*t (the church bunch).

It's pretty bad the only place I've ever felt good about myself is sexually--with an alter. And, that was just recently.

 

[Mayday]

Do you ever think that maybe you worry that if you do feel those feelings it will make you vulnerable to being hurt again?

Yes I think so, especially for good things, I get afraid/self destructive if things are going well, because then if (when) I fall apart again, it will just be worse. Like I don't want to raise my hopes because I know they will get smashed again.

Like sometimes I think if people know that I'm sad or hurting, and if they know what causes those feelings in me, one day they will deliberately use that knowledge to cause me pain.

I actually think that's what a lot of passive aggressive people actually do. If they see what comments hurt then they keep it in mind and then later when they are upset with you, they know exactly what to say to cause the most pain. (edit just to add: I know my mum does this to me)

With animals, it's a very common defense mechanism amongst pretty much all species to not show pain.

so I did, then they (a) totally discounted everything by refusing to talk about (shrinks refused to discuss my rape/child abuse; family called me a liar

I'm sure my family would say I was lying if I talked to them about any of this, so I don't. I have also had some bad experiences with therapists/psychiatrists etc... I'm sorry that you have too. I'm on a waiting list to see someone new but I don't know...it's so hard when I have to literally force myself to say something and then they go and dismiss it completely.

It's pretty bad the only place I've ever felt good about myself is sexually

I hear you on this one, although it's a complicated mess of approval at the time, and then shame/disgust later...

 

[Mayday]

Anyone who knows or hears about it is shocked because "I'm always so happy."

Yes. This. (well to most people who know me superficially, I don't have close friends)

 

[Hashi]

I do bodywork, and it's how I learnt to identify emotions. Three years ago I hardly knew what an emotion was.

I think before being able to allow emotions, we need to learn to contain them. The reason for blocking them out is that they would be overwhelming if we suddenly allowed them all at once. A lot of volatile emotions are stored in the body and often we've had little practice at dealing with any feelings, let alone some of the devastating ones that come with trauma.

One way I've learnt containment is DBT "emotion survival" skills (eg http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/accepts.html). These are ways to take a break from emotions without going into dissociation - things like having lists of activities you can do to distract yourself, things that are soothing etc.

Another thing I do is symbolic. For example, I'll write about my emotions in my journal, then consciously close the book and lock it away until I'm ready to work on that again. Or if I want to stop thinking about an emotion, I might visualise putting it into a box, taking it to the bottom of the garden and burying it.

I think it's important to work on the safety and coping skills first, and have them ready. This also tells your subconscious that it's safe to start feeling your feelings.

 

[Mayday]

Thanks so much Hashi, I will check that link out and look up bodywork.

 

[Hashi]

The bodywork things I have done are body psychotherapy, something developed by Eugene Gendlin called "focussing" and journal dialogues with parts of my body. If you google those you may find something helpful. If you want something simple, journal dialogues might be the best to go with. They are very effective too. Please be careful, though. A lot can come up.