I Hate Facebook

[Loner]

I think if you're going to reach out for help or support on facebook, it's best to choose a single person you think will be receptive and supportive and send them a private message.

I've actually reached out to a couple people I haven't seen in years and may never see again and they were really receptive to it, they actually expressed feeling like it was nice to talk to someone who understood some of the things I was talking about because they too were missing that in their lives. Just posting a 'help I'm depressed and cynical right now' message and hoping someone responds with support comes of as desperate.

Also an in depth conversation with one person can serve to help you figure things out and actually get over problems, posting a cry for comfort and receiving said comforting really doesn't do anything to help anyone. It's just like a drug that temporarily takes away the feeling of being alone. It doesn't serve to figure out get over or solve anything.

 

[Philippa]

Yes, I agree loner. I've done that a couple of times with people I know and trust come from a humanistic perspective and are able and willing to listen to me, and not judge. It's been very helpful at times, but I definitely wouldn't post it to everyone I am friends with there.

Reaching out for comfort can be helpful initially, especially for more sensitive types, but if you keep doing that people start to get a bit wary and tired of giving that, because, as you say, it doesn't really solve anything in the long term. Perhaps you aren't as empathic or sensitive as other people though loner, so that needs to be taken into account as well.

Some people really do need lots of comfort to be able to get past what they are going through, but it is hard because other people have to watch how much of themselves they give in order to have enough energy for their own issues, kids, lives, healing etc.

People need to take action to solve their issues eventually...they can't just expect everyone else to apply a band aid every time something upsetting happens. I'm not anyone's mother, and I don't like being made to feel that I need to be motherly whenever that person has a bad day.

It can get frustrating when I see people stuck in their suffering, and to me the answer seems obvious, and I try and give some insight, but they choose to ignore it, or aren't ready to consider solutions because they just want sympathy and to vent and have a hug. There's nothing wrong with wanting that by the way, but if it is constantly something people are reaching out for, it can really push people away and have the opposite effect, because, as you say, people can sense the desperation and it makes them uncomfortable.

It can also have the effect of making people feel obligated to have to respond when they may not feel like it...and then if they do, it's not really coming from a genuine place, but rather a sense of just telling the person what they want to hear, or just getting frustrated and not replying at all, which then sends the poster into spirals of insecurity over why no one answered.

Best not to post in the first place with any expectations that other people have to fulfill your needs. If they feel obligated to they will tend to push against that and rebel. Most people do not know how to handle other peoples neediness very well, so there has to be some understanding of that as well. We all need to learn how to mother ourselves and give ourselves comfort, so we aren't always relying on other people to meet our needs all the time.

 

[anni]

I'm not a fan. It was wonderful to reconnect with some folks I hadn't spoken with since college, and I got to SEE a few of you folks, that was awesome. I can also go there to catch the latest on photos, etc. that the kids have put up, that's awfully nice. I stopped ( again ) because no matter how hard I tried to disallow the intrusion, there were always, always people playing stupid, hurtful games on Facebook. It gets old very quickly. Yes, I'm aware you can change settings, etc., so you do not see certain things, the schmucks love to do things like 'tag' photos so they do get past your radar. It's all so, SO silly plus hurtful, Good Grief, how old are we?

I just do not wish to play, actually refuse to do so, so nope, outa there again. Facebook as a weapon? No, thank you.

 

[Philippa]

Wow. I've honestly not had as bad a run with it as it sounds like some of you have. My own brother attacked me there once and I deleted him immediately, but he honestly is the only one, apart from the odd stranger being mean and insulting on meme pages that I 'liked' and commented on occasionally, but I just 'unliked' them and carried on.

I've had more hurtful things said on you tube in the comment section, but it's my own fault for swimming with the pond scum in the first place. You tube is like the collective dumping ground for everyones' frustrations, misery and pain. It's usually nothing to do with me anyway, and just their own projections, which I try to keep in mind.

 

[Loner]

Yea Phillipa, about comfort, I'm not sure I'm the best person to speak about its usefulness. I've never really had anyone be there for me or comfort me in any way in my in my life. A little bit here and there but really not much at all. Perhaps if I had supporting caring parents I might feel differently about it but I have come to see its just useless. Maybe its cus I always yearned for it but never got it. I do know the few times I got a little of it it didnt actually seem to help at all. I got over whatever I was dealing with much better when i forgot about other people and just focused on my own feelings.

The only creature thats ever really given comfort that seemed to help me at all was my dog. Maybe comfort coming from real love does help somehow. I don't know. I'm kind of just over it in general. I kind of think maybe my view of that comes from not wanting to let anyone close to me though. I dont know.

Instead of being comforted, I now view talking about my problems with people as just a way for me to break through my emotional walls to let the feelings come out so I can deal with them.

 

[pumpkinpie]

I decided to look at Facebook as one big party :D So anything that I wouldn't say out loud to a group a people collected around me, I won't post on Facebook.

And like at a party, there are all kinds of people who are going to have lots of different responses or reactions. If there's something private you want to say to someone and you don't trust everyone else to not react in a way that isn't hurtful, you can "pull them aside" (ie send them a private message).

And you're not going to announce to a roomful of people gathered for a party, "I'm feeling insecure and need some cheering up". It just wouldn't be appropriate. Shoving someone around or bullying them, or taking your clothes off (posting iffy pics) wouldn't be either.

It took me awhile to figure out what place Facebook held in my life, and that analogy helped me the most - a big party all kinds of people may attend at any time, some you like, some you tolerate. :)

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I have almost 40 friends on facebook, most of whom are very active on facebook. When I wrote on facebook that I was going to the ER a week ago, only 2 people said anything, both were relatives to me. Another person saw, didn't say anything, but asked my husband later while talking to him. So that counts. One of the relatives who commented on my status also messaged me asking if I was okay and that made me feel good. Maybe that makes facebook worth it.

Exactly why do I have a facebook account? Sometimes I am unsure how well I am liked as a person. That totally made me feel stupid and like crap.

But it makes me think of: "Be who you are and say what you feel. Because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

Still it hurt a bit.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I have mixed feelings about facebook. I like it for the sake that it's another way to stay in contact with my young adult "kids" who live far away. And I like being able to see what's going on in the lives of my friends and family.

But sometimes I hate facebook. I had the wonderful fun of *insert sarcasm here* seeing the wedding pictures of one of my ex boyfriends who is an ex abuser. A friend of a friend had posted and tagged the album so it was right there for me to see.

And yes I see people whose lives look perfect on facebook. And it just reminds me that I'm single and healing. And having to live with my parents. As an adult. That's due to not only the severity of my PTSD and anxiety and depression but also due to chronic pain from injuries from a car accident.

But there's one thing to remember about facebook. People's lives look the way they WANT them to look. People can be very selective about the pictures they post and the information they share. Sometimes their lives only look perfect.

 

[Tanishq]

Sometimes I am unsure how well I am liked as a person.

Facebook can be healthy platform for best communication, but it needs to balanced from both ends otherwise it may not work.

People's lives look the way they WANT them to look.

I agree with you and I am very well aware of this.

I want true friends in my life with whom I can live with love and care. I want to keep in touch with them.

 

[stephanie44]

Hello - just found this post and am thinking about deleting my account and creating a private one for me to use only with close friends and family.

 

[twopenny]

I do use facebook, mainly to keep in touch with people who live distantly, and for work (I have several pages).

But I absolutely recognise that it's double edged. I regularly shift people into lists so that I can control who sees what, and regularly change who's in my news feed, so that I can control who's rants I see. I mess about with my settings all the time.

My account is also not under my own name, but a pseudonym, so that I don't have tons of friends requests from people I've met once...

 

[twopenny]

Oh, and (forgot to say) people (other than me) never seem to post the reality of their lives - they cherry pick the best bits.