Poll What Gender Was The Perpetrator/s Of Your Sexual Abuse?

[Madhather]

That happens to me too! I get so confused so often.

I often flip between the mother as the monster and the mother as, well the mother. It is extremely confusing.

 

[Venusian]

It was both, it was a man at first and then he took me to a woman. As bad as he was, she was so much worse.

 

[saoirserylyn]

Male. Fortunately, for me, being around other females has become a safe haven for me.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

That prolonged event, however, did not result in PTSD.

You may want to rethink your assumption. Oftentimes we have a traumatic event earlier in life but it is in fact a later event that brings out our symptoms. A lot of people think they can just ignore previous trauma and be ok. This oftentimes proves to be untrue.

It may be that the previous abuse set you up for PTSD, thereby making it easier for a later traumatic event to push you over the edge.

 

[Seasounds]

@ abstract, meant "give a context " vs "why" (since we may not know) to the wonderful wondering you do.

@everyone:
Ah this post has helped me not feel so alone. It was especially hard to open to the abuse by mother. Due to our socialization, the mother is left out of criticsm. I was so unprepared for the first flashback: 13 years old, putting in my first tampon-it triggered the memory. Of course, at the time I was bewildered. I pushed it aside, and finally, in my twenties, I said, "Aha!" (To soothe myself, right now, I tell myself: "Sigh, breath, and know that I got through it.") :)

I'm so glad that the rest of you did too, so I could hear and experience your strength!:hug:

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I am still confused about my feelings.

Do you think something has to be viewed with disgust to be abuse?

I guess 'disgust' makes it negative. Anything else makes it confusing.

I didn't feel anything negative connected and yet later that changed totally.

I don't really know how I feel about it. I see it as my fault. I started it, I pressured her. I wanted her to touch me. If we had been caught the fault would have been mine.

 

[Abstract]

Anything else makes it confusing.

Ayesha, abuse is a bit different to trauma. Abuse describes an act by someone and not the personal experience of the person on the receiving end. In my experience those personal feelings can be complicated and confusing. A child is going to be extra confused when something is physically pleasant.

I started it, I pressured her.

I wanted to say this as gently as possible because I realise this is difficult material. There is no way that this is relevant and an excuse of her actions at all. If a child asked for a vodka and a 17 year old gave them a bottle and made them drink it would it be the child's responsibility? Never. And that is very innocuous topic compared to this one. Anyone blaming a child in a situation like this would deserve to be jailed in my opinion.

It also brings up so many questions. Children don't ask to be touched in this way unless they have had previous experience verbally or physically. Do you remember how you knew to ask? How long did you know this young woman? If you put aside who is to be blame and this sense of responsibility then what are your feelings? No pressure to answer. Just questions to consider.

 

[Bedbug]

@Ayesha, I don't know how relevant this will be to your situation, but...

As a child, I felt responsible for starting something that ended up being vile abuse. I had enjoyed the initial relationship and took pleasure from the early physical contact. In my mind, I led my abuser on. Once what she was doing was no longer pleasurable to me, I felt enormous guilt. I had created a monster and she was out of control. This was a big reason why I never told anyone what was happening. She was a good woman and I had spoiled her. I owed her my silence for what I had done. As an adult, I still feel much of this blame, but I also can't help wondering if I was in fact groomed by a paedophile. The kind of questions @Abstract asks above are very important.

To bring this back to the thread topic, another big reason why I didn't tell anyone what was happening was because she was (is) a woman. "Women don't do that sort of thing." "I won't be believed." Even as an adult, this still feeds into my reluctance to tell. I know a significant proportion of people will deny that what happened to them was "abuse" simply because the perpetrator was a woman. There is a peculiar stigma to being the victim of a female abuser. I think this may affect statistics.

 

[Changing4Best]

I said male and possibly female, as my grandmother knew it was happening (she was made to clean my up after he did it to me). None the less, she was his victim too, as he beat her into submission since the day they first married. So I don't hold it against her that she did nothing to stop it or to inform those who could stop it (my parents). My mother did eventually find out and stopped it, he wasn't allowed in our house any longer. We were allowed to visit her some two years later, but never were left alone with them again. He made himself scarce when we visited, thank God! (It was stopped when I was 6).