Women/ Mother Relationships

[Meadowsweet]

I've been abused by men. But somehow, that abuse is easier to see because they have done something real and physical that can be described and talked about.

But, I haven't formed a bond with my mother, and I always feel that women tend to dislike me. When I was last abused (adulthood) it was a woman who played the part of driving me out of the group, telling me that nobody liked me etc. I got the feeling that she was being manipulated by the man who wanted to silence me about what had happened, but she became the spokesperson.

At the moment, it's not so much the abuse, but the memories of connections with women that I'm struggling with. I feel like women don't or won't like me. When I look back at the few female friendships I've had - the closeness has come from either feeling looked after by them, or from feeling that they need me to look after them.

So it seems obvious that there are some mother issues lurking there, but I just can't get to them, or understand them. My feelings towards my actual mother are neutral.

I thought maybe a discussion about women and mother issues might help me recognise what's going on with me.

 

[maddog]

Meadowsweet, I relate deeply and appreciate this thread, which resonates with me in much the way you describe. I wish my head was in a more cooperative space for sharing...

At a simplistic level, I separate my abuse into acts of commission (perpetrated by men) and acts of omission (mostly perpetrated by women/my mother). The distinction isn't as clear cut as that, but essentially that's how it occurred, and the damage done by each type of abuse is also separate though overlapping.

I have always gotten on better with men and been more emotionally impacted by them, both positively and negatively. I am often ambivalent in my feelings towards females and tend to either protect or be protected in female friendships as you describe. I often feel vacant, detached, wary and restlessly antagonistic towards women and am frequently confused and insecure about the dynamics of the way females behave and relate to one another. Mostly I prefer the company of men. I think I would even go as far to say that I find men to be more inherently trustworthy, which strikes me as alarming and strange on a whole range of levels.

Female authority figures, particularly those with severe, aloof personalities, are deeply triggering for me.

Will try to write more later, but thanks for this very insightful thread.

Maddog

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Like maddog, I can relate deeply.

I had an experience like that with a girl in a group once. She even had the nerve to say, "Even your own mother hates you. Everyone hates you!" I too have experienced the black to white with female relationships.

What I can tell you is that you have made the first step on healing this part, but you have already made so much headway because you have the experience. Once you bring it to a balance, nothing or nobody can ever disrupt it again.

For me, the balance came with recognizing which roles my mother played in my experiences with each female. Writing down an inventory of each female (what they did, how it made me feel (rule: use dictionary to write actual emotion words), and how I reacted) as well as one of my mother was really beneficial.

When I was done, I circled common denominators in the "how it made me feel category" and in the "how I reacted" category, I was able to trace a pattern with feelings and reactions that happened with my mother.

After that, I learned about my preferences in friendships. I thought about any good female friendship I have ever had (rule: always bad experiences cannot be 100% true) and maybe one of us moved or lost touch, etc. What was she like? Why did we get along so well?

Then, I thought about the inventory of females in my bad experiences writing. What were they like? What were their values, goals and interests?

Then I researched about different kinds of friendships, signs of a bad friend, signs of a good friend, signs of abuse of all kinds, etc.

Then I made the decision that I would only have friendships with women who do not conduct themselves in the manners that I do not like (liars, cheaters, emotional vampires, etc).

When I maintained friendships with a couple of awesome females, I decided that for me, that is enough for me for now.

For the mentor/mentee types of friendships, I decided that for me, sometimes that is normal in life, but I made a list of my boundaries for each.

For example, if I am a mentor, I do not really hang out with that person. I talk on the phone and offer support. I will not answer at an unreasonable hour. If that person takes advantage of me or does not ever seem willing to make any changes, then I distance. Sometimes that works. Other times, it doesn't and they never call again.

If I am a mentee, I reverse my boundaries acting as a mentor and make them my own rules if that makes sense.

 

[Pencil]

Female authority figures, particularly those with severe, aloof personalities, are deeply triggering for me.

Maddog, even just this statement gives me the chills. Will you give me permission to paste this on another thread?

 

[Mayday]

I often feel vacant, detached, wary and restlessly antagonistic towards women and am frequently confused and insecure about the dynamics of the way females behave and relate to one another

This exactly describes how I feel also.

@StrongerNow Wow...you did some amazing, hard work there in working through your relationships and friendships. I'm glad that you ended up with some good friendships out of that. Those sound like very healthy boundaries to have.

I don't have a lot I can add at the moment to this thread. Relationships of any kind, including friendships/family/intimate are all in the too hard basket at the moment.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I don't mean to seem ignorant. I am reading the replies and letting them sink in. I have some confusion of where I'm at with this myself, so am felling a bit lost for words. But I will come back to it.

Thank you for all the replies.

 

[maddog]

Post away Pencil.

 

[Pencil]

Female authority figures, particularly those with severe, aloof personalities, are deeply triggering for me.

This just about says it all about my reaction to my last therapist.

Sorry Meadowsweet, I don't want to hijack - but had to let this out.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I don't mind if you hijack the thread at all pencil.

The mother thing is something that I tend to turn away from, and it helps listening to other peoples stories, because sometimes something will hit home with me.

With men, the abuse is a something that has been done. But my experience with women is based entirely on lack. My father was a strong authoritarian figure, and my mother never came across as having authority. She had the responsibilities that he gave her (womens work), but he regularly criticized or 'tried to suggest ways she could improve' what she did, so even though he didn't do that work himself, he still acted like the authority on it.

It's like men actively do something (even if they're wrong), but women ignore the world around them and do nothing. But it's more than that, my experience is that those women become upset, irritable or angry at anyone bringing the 'badness' of the world into that bubble that they live in. But I still feel like theres something more that I can't quite put my finger on.

 

[Pencil]

But I still feel like theres something more that I can't quite put my finger on.

In my case my mother often caused the physical abuse. She then watched. I was convinced she was as much a victim as I was. Only when I was in my 20s did I fully realize she could have prevented it or stopped it at any point. She clearly didn't want to stop it.

 

[Pencil]

With men, the abuse is a something that has been done. But my experience with women is based entirely on lack.

Trauma of commission vs trauma of ommission.

 

[Britt.f7]

I grew up with a single mother who definitely had many issues, but she also had strength to put herself through school when told she couldn't, and surrounded herself with strong women. That is what I grew up with.

I was also attacked by a female babysitter. My mom and I did not get along well until I was in my 30's. I find I miss her terribly, despite what my childhood was like, and despite the fact she refused to ever discuss what that babysitter did to me.

I also had childhood "friends" who bullied me. I very rarely think people like me or that I am worth liking. Damn tears. I'm in my 40's now and most of it hasn't change. Except I have very few "real" friends that I hold close. I definitely do not get along with my sister in law, and I do not know if it is me or her or a little of both.