Childhood Helplessness Learned In Childhood

[sun seeker]

On another thread someone used the words "trapped, no way out" and that resonated with me. It's how I feel so much of the time. I was outside shoveling snow, thinking, thinking...

I am nine. It's the middle of the night and I am trying to be a parent to my mother, who has woken me up yelling and pounding the floor beside my bed with her fists. She's blaming me for not solving her problems fast enough, my 17yo sister is now there trying to reason with her, our "father" is standing quietly at the bottom of the stairs doing nothing. The next day my sister is going out and I beg her to take me with her. To be a kid, to find some sanity. She says "if you want to come with me so you can escape, no, you have to stay and deal with it."

I am 14. The situation at home is grim. I ask each of my three older siblings in turn if I could stay with them for a while to get away from it. Each one says no, citing spouses or lack of space or just... no. One suggests I ask a friend of my mom's who has sometimes had students stay at her house. I ask, and she also says no; she is enjoying living alone now. None of them, to my knowledge, investigates any further what is going on or why I am so desperate to get away.

I am 16. It is the first time my despair takes me to the point of feeling suicidal. I ask a neighbour for help and she takes me to an appointment at the Mental Health office. A social worker interviews me and says she can't understand what my problem is, and sends me away, no followup. I go home. I tell my parents how desperate I am feeling. They say nothing at all, do nothing, never mention it again.

And so many times more...

There is a reason I write this in the present tense. It's because it feels like it is happening now. Every time I am in a situation with no obvious solution, every time I ask for help and am ignored, it takes me right back to that helpless place with nowhere to turn, nowhere to run, no one to care, and I can't think, can't see solutions lurking under the surface, can't ask directly for the kind of support I need. I am shaking and feel sick as I write this. These are the experiences that formed me, even more than the situations I was trying to get away from in the first place. The fact that I did try to get what I needed and failed, over and over and over.

Can anyone relate to this? Does it get better? I know the obvious things to do about it. They just don't help a whole lot.

 

[Changing4Best]

I'm really sorry this is happening to you, how sad it must be for you.

I am 60, never had any children and so I probably have no great amount of advice to give, but I shall try. Do you have afterschool activities you can get involved in? Is there a public library around where you live? These are things you can do with some of the time you would otherwise be home. They give you an opportunity to get away for a time anyway.

When I was a teen, I used to stay over at friends' houses for overnights. I also stayed at a neighbor's house, the girl next door, and we would do our homework together or read books or whatever. Her mother, I think, understood that my parents argued a lot and I hated to be around when they did, so I often went to their house as a refuge.

Maybe you could put a lock on your door and lock it to keep her and her insanity out.

Have you ever tried ignoring her? What does she do then??

 

[sun seeker]

Wait, wait, wait... I must have overdone the use of the present tense.

I am 43. All this happened decades ago. What I'm saying is I learned it so thoroughly it feels like it is happening now. An emotional flashback you might call it. I'm kind of shocked at how well I seem to have gotten that message across!

 

[illusionist]

I am learning so much about my journey from this forum, this is yet another! Oh yes, I know exactly what you are feeling....yes it does ease with time. It was/is one of the hardest things I've had to struggle with as it really gets to the very core of me. I found it eased a lot once I'd built a safe, secure environment where most of my needs are met for 'me' to feel in control of my life, and emotionally content. I will say though, the minute one of these are taken away i.e. unemployment, I do revert back to the feeling of utter hopelessness and unable to ask for help...but reinforce my belief that I know I will get back up again by reminding myself that I've been here before and survived. The emotions seem to steep into everything I do at these times, and asking for help feels like a useless task as I feel nobody will be able to/ want to help...feel I am beyond helping.
Take care of yourself.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Not having our needs met as children is a defining truth. If someone protected us or comforted us or called the police and got rid of our abusers, we'd be whistling another tune. Now, you have to re parent yourself with help from your therapist. Your family sounds exactly like mine. No help from any of them. It really hurts to look back at so much pain, fear, sorrow, shame etc. and to have horrible secrets at such a young age. Yet here we are helping one another feel important, to validate our quirks, hang out with us.

 

[RussH]

@sun seeker While our circumstances are very different; we share on commonality. I went to a teacher for help, and he, in essence, refused to help me. I did not realize until 43 years later how much his refusal to help me devastated me. It was then that I felt utterly helpless, alone and rejected.

Does it get better? I think if you recognize the refusal of help as additional trauma, and deal with it as unresolved trauma, then it will get better.

I hope this makes sense, and most of all I really hope you don't feel helpless anymore. We, the members of the forum are here to help one another, and that includes you as well.

 

[Hope4Now]

can't ask directly for the kind of support I need. I am shaking and feel sick as I write this. These are the experiences that formed me, even more than the situations I was trying to get away from in the first place. The fact that I did try to get what I needed and failed, over and over and over.

I completely relate. The fact that I got no help has somehow mapped into my memory and experience as my fault because I couldn't ask directly for what I needed. I'm still not 100% sure what I need. I have different parts that need different things, and sometimes the needs are in direct opposition to one another and I feel trapped all over again.

 

[shimmerz]

I feel that once you believe that you deserved help (believe at it's very core), imagine what help would have involved, picture the final outcome of that help as being positive and can feel the radiation of the person helping in believing that you absolutely deserved to be helped, that this will replace the old lies that so many forced upon you. That for some reason you were undeserving.

How are your visualization skills? Can you visualize that little girl in front of you and you, asking you, the adult to help her? What would you have done for her? Can you love her at all ages and release her from her trap? Does she deserve unconditional love? Answer yes and things may well switch around for you.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I can relate to it in a way, although with me the helplessness more often takes shape of "no, no, no, I can't deal with it".
I have waited for people (oh, and I still do) to help me out so many times without wanting to realize that actually I was the only one who could really do something about the situation.

In my case it's a decision I have to make. I need to tell my six year old self that I can deal with it. Even though the six year old self wants very much to believe that she can't. But believe me I still have a lot of trouble putting that in practice and I am the master of just doing nothing when I need to make decisions and take control. Maybe it's hard to convince yourself that you are in control when you've been shoved aside during childhood.

You are the only one who can really provide for you... :)

 

[sun seeker]

Thanks everyone. I especially resonated with this statement:

I found it eased a lot once I'd built a safe, secure environment where most of my needs are met for 'me' to feel in control of my life, and emotionally content.

That's the problem, I am in a situation where I really am not in control of my life; in fact, one of the people who caused the most damage in the first place has hold of the reins in an important way.

And this:

better? I think if you recognize the refusal of help as additional trauma, and deal with it as unresolved trauma, then it will get better.

Yes, you are absolutely right. Actually I think this is the first trauma I need to work on. It's much more immediate and present for me than anything else.

Can you visualize that little girl in front of you and you, asking you, the adult to help her?

Yes, I've worked on that. I have a lot of trouble feeling love for my "inner child". I'll keep working on it.

 

[shimmerz]

I am in a situation where I really am not in control of my life; in fact, one of the people who caused the most damage in the first place has hold of the reins in an important way.

If I am reading this correctly I understand how challenging this can be. I am in the same type of situation - no firm grounding to stand on. My condolences to you (and me).

 

[Nam]

I was just thinking about this and talking out loud with my hubs. I live an incredibly sheltered life now. It has taken years to feel comfortable, but it's my little world. I'm lucky to have my hubs who takes on the responsibility of traveling. I would never get on a plane by myself or navigate a new city. But I travel because he helps me in those regards. Which brings me to this question: have I actually healed? Or have I just put myself in a bubble?

I suppose it's a balance. @shimmerz and @sun seeker , I hope you find that balance soon.