C-ptsd And Siblings

[cupfish]

Good Morning to all of us who suffered greatly, and carry the burdens others gave us. We are brave, and strong, and if you are here reading this you are at least exploring a better way to live, to cope, to move ahead.

How do you deal with siblings who may -- or may not -- have shared your family trauma? I am the youngest by almost 10 years, so my 3 elder sibs where gone when things got really bad at home. Both parents are now dead. My experience was very different, much worse, and I have C-PTSD and they do not. I subtly feel put in the position of the sick one...the difficult one.....my sibs do love me and certainly try, but on some level they don't want to re-live our family crap again through me. I am healthy enough to have explained to them all what happened to me, how I am coping, and that they matter to me. But sadly, I feel pressure to be "normal." I don't always treat them well, because I resent being put in the position of the young/screwed up sibling. It's like I represent a time everyone wants to forget, and if it were not for their screwy little sister everyone could move on. FYI I am a very successful professional, mother, and wife. I am not a train wreck. But I can't hide from my family what happened to me, and if no one wants to accept me AS I AM, not as they want me to be, aren't they actually damaging me?

 

[Viosinger]

My siblings and I all experienced differing incarnations of my parents over the years (my younger brother and older sister are about 10 years apart, I'm close to the middle). My sister and I have both been to therapy, and have some understanding at this point of the damage we carry, though it's manifested differently in the two of us (our abuses were quite different, too, so it makes sense).

My youngest brother stayed longer than either of us. He still lives nearby my parents, visits regularly, lives in a house they own, etc. He's stuck where my sister and I were as teenagers, switching between anger, exhaustion, and ignoring the problems. I'm hoping his latest move an hour away will help give him space to grow, but in the past it's only meant he stays until he's out of money and tired of working, then moves home again.

 

[garden]

@cupfish I'm sorry that you're suffereing this way. I can somewhat relate. My stepfather terrrorized my brother and I, but he did not abuse his own children who came later, so I have younger siblings who have never seen our mother be beaten (the one after me saw his anger when she was really young, but he mellowed out as he got older), and who were not abused or neglected otherwise. I was 9 years old when the first sibling was born (3 total), and 17 when the last one was born. One of my sisters, the one who is closest in age to me has very little or nothing to do with me, and she does not believe anything's wrong with me. She believes that I just want attention and she does not believe my brother and I had it bad at all, while the other two know something was wrong, and they handle me with kid gloves and keep me at arms length. It's hard to be around my family at all really, but the way that my siblings treat me is hurtful, and they are oblivious. I am not acceptable to them AS I AM, and it hurts. It's hard when the people that you love put up walls in order to help themselves deal with you, and you just want them to be themselves, naturally themselves. I sometimes believe that it is a sign of their own weakness. We are a survivors, they do not share our ability to endure, and they might even hold some kind of resentment towards us.

For me, what they do, and how they treat me used to be a source for deep pain, and I used to struggle with all that happened because they basically acted like it never happened, if that makes any sense.

I'm glad that you are here and able to express yourself among others who share similar burdens. *hugs*

 

[cupfish]

Lewa: One of my sisters, the one who is closest in age to me has very little or nothing to do with me, and she does not believe anything's wrong with me. She believes that I just want attention and she does not believe my brother and I had it bad at all, while the other two know something was wrong, and they handle me with kid gloves and keep me at arms length.

Totally get this!!! It's like you are a slight embarrassment, the residual reminder of a very nasty period. I hear things like "I'm long over what happened with Dad and I think you should be too." One sister called me a "user." Yeah right. I wanted this role. My sibs trigger me so badly I could not bring myself to go to my dear mother's deathbed. It was too much to bear at once. It is one of the saddest events of my life, to be robbed of saying goodbye.

Adding to the misery I was bullied at school, so that environment was also pretty perilous. Nowhere to hide.

I am on the verge of thinking they are real a**holes. They push me hard to participate in the family, saying that my inconsistent support of family events and priorities would hurt our dear departed mother. Push for me to return calls, to visit, to participate. Boy do I resent this.

 

[garden]

It's blows my mind to think that they don't want to try to understand me so that we can have a more functional relationship. I think to myself, if one of my siblings is in a car accident and has become debilitated in some way, I would want to learn about their condition so that I could adapt for them, and so that I could continue to be a functional part of their lives. Isn't that what we do for people? Our issue is not easy for others to understand, I get that, but if it's a loved one why wouldn't you try to understand withoug projecting your own crap onto it? Honestly, I believe it's because it's easier to be in denial.

I was bullied too, from the first day of K all the way until I graduated. I have come to learn that I suffered many different kinds of abuses, and all of them affected me. Being bullied at school, being abused at home, there was no escape. This might explain why I began suicide ideation at such an early age (7ish).

Feeling angry is normal @cupfish. Have you considered taking a break from them entirely? I did that, and continued therapy, and I've been able to move past some of these feelings. Creating your own boundaries can really help, and you don't owe them any explanations necessarily. Just a thought.

 

[The Albatross]

My sibling was 2 1/2 years my junior and witnessed the abuse of my mother and myself but was not abused directly (that I recall) himself. He does not have PTSD. His preference is not to recall or discuss events that occurred in our household or my PTSD. Do I think it is damaging to me? No. It is his preference.

My mother and my brother, in their own ways dealt also with what was occurring in our household. Neither is inclined each for their own reasons to go further. So by mutual agreement, eventually... though I did go through a period where I wanted/needed/was compelled to express what happened ... it is off the table pretty much and I'm okay with that.

I only just reconnected with my sibling, but it was not about the abuse in our household that severed the relationship. It was another matter entirely.

 

[cupfish]

I imagine that many families with only some members afflicted with C-PTSD have two faces: the family that is pretty healthy, and the family members who got sick. Not one of my sibs want to define their family unit, at all, by our traumatic past. To me that is a huge false lie. It's like running up y our credit cards so everyone thinks you are wealthy. You cannot define the character of a family by only the "right" members, ignoring the poor mental health and circumstances of some and promoting others as the real face of our family.

I think that my sibs want to ignore my path because of a fierce desire to appear normal to the rest of the world. Growing up we were the oddballs, with the weird dad. So now it is important to LOOK whole, not BE whole, if that makes sense.

 

[darrenS]

i come from a large family and in many ways many of us did not escape unscathed, my older brother and 2 younger sisters clearly have c-ptsd but fail to recognize it , subsequently its a nitemare family to be involved in, my father had ptsd from a couple of very bad life changing accidents , he ended up with a brain injury but at that time no one knew. He was never physically violent but made it for it with verbal abuse. Im sure my mother has it as well from years of dealing with him and up to when he died. L lost my youngest sister 4 years ago , she was a victim of severe domestic abuse and running from it eventually cost her her life. All in all , i have kept distance from my family for many years , it is the only way i can survive, i still talk to them , share things and visit and so forth, but i have clear boundaries and when they become to much , i just put distance there

 

[The Albatross]

I think @cupfish I might do some self examination about needing the agreement in defining the dynamic of the family unit. You're experience is you're experience and it is enough. Also perhaps how or why you feel this is connected to "looking whole rather than being whole". It is a preference people choose, not particularly a disagreement about what occurred unless there's some heavy duty denial going on.

Personally I don't concern myself with the "faces" of my family. How they choose to present themselves is out of bounds for me. What is in bounds, though is determining for myself whether or not I set limits, or I honor limits that my mother and sibling set in order for the relationship to continue.

I'm not explaining this at all well I don't think but basically (for me)... I decided to allow that individuals have their preferences, not all members needed to come together and agree about what happened. I know a good deal but not all about what happened (because of so many blank periods). I have enough evidence without requiring them to agree.

P.S. Again my own experience... what works for me, probably won't for "everybody".

 

[cupfish]

I feel pushed into adopting a role that does not fit me by my family members. When I pull away they pursue me. I feel as though I am given very limited options for acceptance. They would disagree. I don't know what to do, because I desperately want a functioning and supportive family. Maybe it's there for me but I don't think so; no one wants to build a relationship with me AS I AM.

It's all rather ridiculous as we range in ages from 52 to 65. Senior citizen angst!

 

[garden]

You cannot define the character of a family by only the "right" members, ignoring the poor mental health and circumstances of some and promoting others as the real face of our family.

@cupfish this is exactly what my family does. I am in the background, I am not invited to all the family gatherings, and they do portray themselves as the perfect family. My family is well off, both my parents are successful by societal standards, and they are well respected in their community, and most of the community, especially my stepfathers family, believes that my brother and I are just total losers who can't get it together despite our wonderfully priviledged upbringing. No one really knows what's truly happening behind closed doors, and some people are incapable of removing their masks...

You would think that we'd be okay with things being incongruent around us since they've in some ways always been that way, but I guess it's the minds attempt to put it all back together.

 

[The Albatross]

Yeah, but why the need to "define the character of the family"? If you ask what color blue the sky is in my family you'll get about 6 different answers and/or an intellectual debate.

One is artistically inclined and would say something like "azure", one could care less and would just say "blue", a third would argue if someone else is color blind because they would challenge someone else when it is plain for all the world to see that it is actually "bright cerulean" today, and a 4th would commence a diatribe on why the sky is blue anyways with a 5th wanting to engage then in a rousing debate over whether it is really blue or not at all. The 6th, most often would be me... "Why is this a topic of discussion anyways and how is this relevant to things? It's perceptual or opinion and other than trotting out individual differences it doesn't really matter in the big picture, does it?"