Compassion For "that Girl"

[crystaltear]

I have an online blog where I tend to straddle the line of "honest but well polished."

Lately I have been feeling more and more urge to be super real about my PTSD. I want to write about the feelings, the thoughts, and yes, what caused it.

Forcing myself to think back to the abuse I suffered from my mother as a child, I was overcome with a different feeling than i expected. It wasn't pain, but of compassion and empathy. I felt really sorry for that young girl and all the things she had to endure.

I know it happened to me, and it's still affecting me today, but its like a bunch of my memories are third person.

Does anyone else experience this? It's really quite odd. I guess having empathy for your younger self is a good start.

 

[J_trustno1]

Yes, I experience this everyday and it's not odd that you are feeling this way. I have grown hating myself and being bitter about life because of my father and my other abusers. It's really really difficult to overcome those feelings but I won't give up on this. I'm sorry that your mother had done this to you but don't ever give up. :hug:s if you accept them.

 

[Fadeaway]

I know it happened to me, and it's still affecting me today, but its like a bunch of my memories are third person.

*nods empathetically* Yes, I very much so.There are quite a few thing where I know it happened, but it feels more like something I read about or saw on t.v. I guess It is a self protective mechanism.

 

[Suzetig]

Yep, I know this well, in fact my therapist has been working a lot on me developing empathy and compassion for "that girl" who was beaten and abused. It's been helpful work for me because, while she feels like a separate person, I know she isn't. The hope is that if I can feel compassion for her, I'll be able to accept her as being part of me, accept my own experience and own that without needing to be so harsh on myself all the time. That's the plan and, you know, some days I think it's working.

 

[Casey_03]

I think it is an incredibly good sign that you feel this way. From what I can tell, it's a good indicator of healing. I know I haven't reached this point yet but hope to sometime soon.

 

[Underdog]

I'd say that's good to have empathy for your younger self. However, I'm curious if your wanting to write about your story is based upon a need to share it and be heard, or simply to be understood, or something entirely different. When I started to share, I discovered I was seeking understanding and empathy from people.

My T today said that writing can be good and therapeutic, and challenged me to write about how I feel about events that happened. She said it can be a huge healing process, so I would hope it could be the same for you as well, even if you don't post it on your blog.

 

[Disquieted]

Yes, I totally get this. I blog and I know I come off as really messed up because I am. This ptsd messes with my mind and I can't file away the memories like I used to be able to do. It's as if drawers and drawers of thoughts and memories came falling out. Papers scattered throughout my mind everywhere. I can't file it away again. I broke down, fell apart, got overwhelmed or something like that. Like I worked so hard at being okay all my life and one day I woke up and couldn't pretend anymore.
It's a huge step to find that compassion for yourself. Let yourself heal and find kindness and love

 

[ihateusernames]

Yes, I know exactly what you're talking about. All of it. The compassion for yourself, the third person memories, and the urge to go ahead and put your story out there. It must all be normal.

Most of my memories are just feelings now, the details have been lost, but the ones that I remember in detail always replay with me looking on from the outside, not me experiencing them. Then on top of that I have one that is different from all the others and extremely confusing. I witnessed something and tried and tried and couldn't stop it. It's actually my worst memory despite being about somebody else, brings up the worst stuck in that moment feelings. And I constantly have this nagging feeling that I misplaced myself in the memory, that this was my personal experience and that I was not an observer. It makes no sense. I know that can't be true, I think. I don't know... The mind- it's amazing, but it can do some incredibly strange, frustrating things.

Do you think that maybe you feel like blogging about your experiences as a way to reach out to others who might relate and benefit from knowing they're not alone? Or to put your 100% true self out there? I can relate to both.