Family Members In Denial

[Dana1010]

Do you have a lot of family members who remain in denial about how bad your childhood was? Most of the time, I can't even bear to look up my family on social media, but occasionally I can't avoid it (dreadful "people you may know" features). I had a recent contact that made me shudder with outrage, it was so insulting.

I remember my mother trying to get in contact with me after I first moved out for no real reason accept to feed her narcissism and her illusion that she was a good mother--or something? She treated me like sh*t when I was under her roof, so why was she suddenly so interested in me? What was it about my getting out that made her want contact when she never gave a damn about me when she had me?

Have you had this experience with a parent and found yourself wondering why it took separation for them to acknowledge your existence?

And what about siblings who remain in denial and try to cover your parents' asses? Why can't they see things as they really are after all those years?

 

[RavenGirl]

@Dana1010, I have that same type of problem with my sister mostly. She can't see the problem because she wasn't /isn't treated the way I was and still am. She was the baby of the family and could do no wrong no matter what wrong she did. My brothers were my abusers, when I tried to tell my patents what was going on I was told to stop tattling, toughen up, and deal with it. I was ALWAYS treated differently and still am. My in laws see it, my husband sees it, and I know it happens. We can't change them, we just need to decide what's good and healthy for us and do what we need to do to heal because they will never see or admit that what they did was wrong or that it hurt us. You are a beautiful person and deserve to be treated as such. (((Hugs)))

 

[Dana1010]

She can't see the problem because she wasn't /isn't treated the way I was and still am. She was the baby of the family and could do no wrong no matter what wrong she did.

This is bad enough, but my siblings were treated worse than dogs too, and they still don't seem to grasp how wrong it was.

 

[RavenGirl]

Maybe in their minds if they don't admit it, it didn't happen? ! The mind works in mysterious ways to protect us. Some people can't / won't admit their family was anything but perfect. It's sad but it happens. It took me a little over 30 years to admit the abuse happened; self preservation is a VERY strong thing. I have yet to tell my patents about the abuse as I just started dealing with it myself in June. Maybe your siblings minds just aren't strong enough to let them remember and deal with it yet. It's possible You may be the strongest one who's able to deal with it at this time.

 

[laurainalameda]

All I can figure is that either my brother grew up in some other house or he is just that shut down. My mom admits to and or remembers nothing and my dad the primary abuser is long gone. But my mom was amazed when I told her I had ptsd. She's pretty narcissistic. I have limited contact with both of them, and am trying to figure out how to have no contact. I moved really far away from my home town and damned if she didn't move out here after me. So I think that they just protect themselves by pretending it ever hapened. Laura

 

[shimmerz]

And what about siblings who remain in denial and try to cover your parents' asses?

They aren't always in denial imo. Some of them are 'golden children'. They have no need or desire to see the abuse that is going on because they are 'different'. Just thinking out loud here....

EtA: Sorry, didn't read the whole posting. I have to be honest. I thought my childhood was great too (although on a level I knew it wasn't). It wasn't until I had my uber breakdown that I realized it for what it was. I think I didn't notice because every time I tried to voice my opinion about my distress I was given a million reasons why I was wrong about it. 'I am doing this because I love you; because you are bad; because you are evil; because you made me; if you would just be good - the list goes on and on. Arrrrrrgggggghhhhhh!

Brainwashing. It's a bitch to undo.

 

[Dana1010]

Some of them are 'golden children'.

I'm familiar with this. In fact, I think my mother did have a "golden child," but overall he still got screwed over--she would just set up these situations where she'd lavish attention on him while turning her nose up at the rest of us. It's like she was just using him to make us feel less than. Still, he has no reason whatsoever to think he had a good childhood or to have any contact with our parents at all, frankly.

I just can't tell you how bazaar it is to be struggling with PTSD and on the run from my past--I'm never going to be where I should be because of her horrible parenting--and then to have her send me this sentimental hogwash. Love, love, love, love. Well, there's nothing on her track record that remotely resembles love. Malignant SELF love--is that what she's talking about?

 

[Bluemoonwillow]

I think that is part of the problems I have been having since being back in Nevada. My brother acts like the growing up was no big deal, and he talks about stuff that I am horrified at like it was a game. I know part of this may be self defense mechanism, minimalizing the effects by minimalizing tha abuse or something like that. But seriously sometimes I feel like we lived in two different houses.

 

[Friday]

Good People = Cognitive Dissonance
Abusers = Abusers. They're not in denial. They're deny-ing.

 

[Anarchy]

With a narc, it may not be possible to get through to them. The cognitive deficits that they use to pile all of the blame and bad onto others, and to preserve the illusion of a grandiose omnipotent self. Can work like a selective blindness. Some of them really can not see it.

 

[sun seeker]

Can work like a selective blindness. Some of them really can not see it

You've just described my mother, perhaps you know her? :) Seriously... according to her, I just happen to be all messed up for no particular reason and even though she was the main person raising me, my developmental trauma has nothing to do with her. She'd rather lose contact with her children one by one than face that she has anything to do with why. Her golden child would be my one sister who is somewhat less symptomatic than the rest of us.

 

[shimmerz]

Malignant SELF love--is that what she's talking about?

Love is YOU loving ME not ME loving YOU!

From the perspective of a scapegoated child to a golden child.

It didn't hit me until 34 years AFTER my mother died that when I was pregnant with my first child (mother was still alive), that our entire relationship changed. I was the 'golden child'. She wanted to take over my son - and for 9 months she continually tried. She died suddenly when my oldest was 9 months old.

During the 18 months that I turned to golden child status - I had no idea or concept of how this was affecting my sister, who was now the scapegoat. I just knew that my experience was that FINALLY (I thought), my mother loved me. That felt good. I didn't (of course), realize that it was all smoke and mirrors. I didn't realize that I should have been loved for ME (not for how my mother perceived my worth was to HER), all of my life.

The Friday of the weekend that my mother died, my sister and her had a HUGE argument about ME, with my mother firmly being on 'my side'. There was an enmeshment between my sister and my mother and the day after my mother died my sister was puking and crying in the bathroom as I was rubbing her back. She kept saying over and over again 'How dare she do this to me!' I thought that was pretty f*cked up. My sister was never the same again. She had been stranded - left as the scapegoat. She is trapped in time - has been for 35.5 years now - attempting to attain 'golden child' status. And in order to do so, she continually attempted to tear me apart. She named her kids after my mother, continually made reference to my mother, and is attempted to enmesh the children in her memory of her mother. So that she can attain golden child status once again.

For myself, I recognize that my self worth has been tied into my being a mother (because my mother placed her value in me once I had provided her with a grandchild). This has caused endless grief for me as I attempt to extricate myself from abusive dynamics between my children's father (triangulation) and my children. Because all of my worth was wrapped up in my being a 'good mother', because that, to me, meant that my mother loved me again.

Did I know this? Absolutely not. Does my sister? I don't think so. She is in complete denial that my mother f*cked her up by assigning and then yanking away her golden child status. And she is continually attempting to get that status back again - somehow and somewhere. Isn't going to happen. And why was her life ruined? Because I took away her mother. Because my mother could only have ONE golden child at a time. It is about conquer and divide.

I have been working on defining my SELF and my worth outside of my mother's world view 34 f*cking years later. It is messed up - and I want to see it. If one doesn't want to see it, they are constantly reaching for some form of recognition. Never happy. Because we all deserve recognition for ourselves because we ARE ourselves. Not because we are feeding a sickness in someone else.

Burn the letters. Walk away and put your time and effort into nurturing your SELF goodness. One thing at a time - as we need to rebuild ourselves imho. And that is a journey my friend.