Sufferer Hi there, I see you, I hear you, we are safe here

I just have discovered this forum and I’m so glad to know I’m not alone. I moved from country to country trying to get better job and was isolated for years. Lots of things happened. Months in therapy, It took me all of my courage to say no to my family. the hardest thing in my life.

Im the youngest child who was the most capable in family. My father was an alcoholic who abused and raped my mom violently. When my mom was pregnant with me she found out he was seeing someone and confronted him, he sslaped her, I guess I could sense her stress. She couldn’t eat anything-my cousin would buy milk for her everyday. She went to abortion clinic but changed her mind the last minute. I was born and raised when my mom and dad scream at each other. My mom would put me between her and my dad so he couldn’t hit her. I saw my mom suffered so much, blood in her eyes, on her hand annd body, and I took this role, the fixer. I tried to fix everyone’s problems- not just family, everyone. I abandoned my self to save everyone. my peers love me, my boss, my friends, of course. I was so nice, never get angry, so kind. Everything they want me to be, I become.

My mom left my dad and she couldn’t take me, when I was 12. Living with my depressed alcoholic dad who bought his new gf in and she physically attacked me. My dad did nothing. He’s gone now, died bc alcoholic. I watched dogs, chics, lamp die, not knowing how to help. They were starving to death.

Because of my dad, my family has dysfunctional dynamic. We were all in triangle relationship. My sister dated and has kid with the narcissist guy. We fought him in court for her child. I worked so hard to get out of poverty and support my family. I paid for lawyer, support my mom, my sister, bought a house for them! Everthing I had I gave to them. I was happy to help until I didn’t have anything to give, burnout, suffer, struck in toxic workplace, moved the country and had no job, my family still demand me to support them, and so I did, stressed and panicked, when I told them my situation, my sister demand me to get money from my husband. I had no idea at that time what was going on , I did ask my husband and it ruined our relationship, he said if my sister can’t raise the child then she should give her to the father but I wouldn’t let that happen. I tried and tried to get new job with the pressure like if I couldn’t, I’d die. And I did it, got a new job, but it came with terrible manager who use fear management style. I’m triggered so often. I got better this day but it’s never easy.

The thing is when I need help, no one in my family can support me the same way I did for them - which is fine. All I want from them is compassion. After everything I’ve done for them. I was in survival mode my whole life, staying in toxic workplace for 5 years , worked till 3 am bc my family needs my money. I was so close to have cardiac arrest, seriously.
Now that everyone are in better situation, the house loan is paid. However, for me every small threats, every meetings feel like life threatening. I feel it’s time to stop running to face what’s wrong and take care of my self. I started therapy. Last month when I tried to explained to my family why I’m exhausted and I’ll continue to support financially but I can’t be their emotional labor anymore, my sister got angry at me, question my disorder, and I started to question it too. I’ve suffered so much, knowing that I’m not all alone in my head is such a relieve.

Welcome, sorry for what brings you here. Understand the fixing thing, it’s awful to lose yourself.

so sorry for what you;ve been through, welcome to the forum, Ive found it helpful here too, to see how people from many different and similar experiences to me get through and have the same struggles.

Teamoisabigcat said:

I feel it’s time to stop running to face what’s wrong and take care of my self.

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hardest part but very brave. to be able to accept something is wrong and that it's time to help yourself, even though it's not your fault.
it can be comforting to be stuck in one place even though there is a lot of suffering in it, because taking care yourself and facing the problems is new and frightening, opens up a lot of things that are hard to look at but worth it in the end.

Welcome to the community

Teamoisabigcat said:

I just have discovered this forum and I’m so glad to know I’m not alone. I moved from country to country trying to get better job and was isolated for years. Lots of things happened. Months in therapy, It took me all of my courage to say no to my family. the hardest thing in my life.

Im the youngest child who was the most capable in family. My father was an alcoholic who abused and raped my mom violently. When my mom was pregnant with me she found out he was seeing someone and confronted him, he sslaped her, I guess I could sense her stress. She couldn’t eat anything-my cousin would buy milk for her everyday. She went to abortion clinic but changed her mind the last minute. I was born and raised when my mom and dad scream at each other. My mom would put me between her and my dad so he couldn’t hit her. I saw my mom suffered so much, blood in her eyes, on her hand annd body, and I took this role, the fixer. I tried to fix everyone’s problems- not just family, everyone. I abandoned my self to save everyone. my peers love me, my boss, my friends, of course. I was so nice, never get angry, so kind. Everything they want me to be, I become.

My mom left my dad and she couldn’t take me, when I was 12. Living with my depressed alcoholic dad who bought his new gf in and she physically attacked me. My dad did nothing. He’s gone now, died bc alcoholic. I watched dogs, chics, lamp die, not knowing how to help. They were starving to death.

Because of my dad, my family has dysfunctional dynamic. We were all in triangle relationship. My sister dated and has kid with the narcissist guy. We fought him in court for her child. I worked so hard to get out of poverty and support my family. I paid for lawyer, support my mom, my sister, bought a house for them! Everthing I had I gave to them. I was happy to help until I didn’t have anything to give, burnout, suffer, struck in toxic workplace, moved the country and had no job, my family still demand me to support them, and so I did, stressed and panicked, when I told them my situation, my sister demand me to get money from my husband. I had no idea at that time what was going on , I did ask my husband and it ruined our relationship, he said if my sister can’t raise the child then she should give her to the father but I wouldn’t let that happen. I tried and tried to get new job with the pressure like if I couldn’t, I’d die. And I did it, got a new job, but it came with terrible manager who use fear management style. I’m triggered so often. I got better this day but it’s never easy.

The thing is when I need help, no one in my family can support me the same way I did for them - which is fine. All I want from them is compassion. After everything I’ve done for them. I was in survival mode my whole life, staying in toxic workplace for 5 years , worked till 3 am bc my family needs my money. I was so close to have cardiac arrest, seriously.
Now that everyone are in better situation, the house loan is paid. However, for me every small threats, every meetings feel like life threatening. I feel it’s time to stop running to face what’s wrong and take care of my self. I started therapy. Last month when I tried to explained to my family why I’m exhausted and I’ll continue to support financially but I can’t be their emotional labor anymore, my sister got angry at me, question my disorder, and I started to question it too. I’ve suffered so much, knowing that I’m not all alone in my head is such a relieve.

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Welcome to the forum.

Thank you you all so much! It means so much for me.

It’s such a shocking to discover where my panic attack comes from. I have it all my life and thought that was normal. I would do something that’d break my own heart, things others won’t do. I’ve always wondered why. I’d pushed and pushed my self above my body limit, It was exhausting. Turn out I never felt safe my whole life. Learning I was living in survival mode and that have made me come farther than any of my family and school friends. PPl would said you are extraordinary but it’s a disorder, I never want anyone to want to be like me, they don’t see the cost.

I’ve always believed my family was normal and I had happy childhood. My dad loved me, my mom loved me. They just didn’t love each other. My dad was a hero and my mom was a hero. Some of the stories my brain created to keep me survive. I was living in fright/freeze/fawn mode all the time. Now that my body feels safe enough to show me the hidden events- all of those painful memories I buried so deep came out to say hello - one time I, a child told my mom I want a snack and she was suffering as she always was said to me to go and die or the time I was being talkative she squeezed me. The child me was so confusing, and definitely learned I was a burden. I have wired love to be useful -If I’m useful enough they’d love me. My 2 big sisters and big brother were growing up to be teenagers - they rejected me all the time, they made sure I knew I was not welcomed and annoying in their present - I was all alone. I understand now why I chased for approval and validation from everyone - why I become perfectionist and ppl pleaser. It was exhausting

Because of `covid, burnt out as I should, I finally learned I couldn’t safe everyone, I couldn’t fix their problems and feelings, I withdraw socially and was using weed as escaping until it doesn’t work anymore. Every time I smoke, I have panic attacks but I kept doing it, wishing the same old relaxation would come. It was terrible and tormenting for a few years. My mental was so bad, thanks to humanity for the med and system, Thanks to me for choosing to get help, I was saved by the meds. I was still in denial and didn’t start therapy for a long time bc I have to pay for it and I thought it was a luxury thing and I didn’t deserve it. It’s funny - I’d save every penny, ate cheap food so I can feed others, and gave my money to others i.e friend in needed or my family. It was shocking to see the money I gave was spent on fancy lotions, lol. I learned to stop giving too much and stop being so stingy on my self.

After therapy and after my sister got angry at me, I’ve discovered GREAT anger, sadness, and grief inside me, I never realized I have. It was so great that I got scared. They were buried for all my life. But I see now, they are trying to protect me and show me what was wrong. They remind me not to leave my self again. These day I only let myself feel 2% of it at a time. Guilt and shame are also something I struggle with everyday.

I still love my family deeply. My mom probably has CPTSD too - she has tried her best and now knowing how much I’ve suffered, has compassion for me. My sister - who I gave up so much for, whom I carefully approached to all the time during her depression, couldn’t give me what I needed. She herself was in therapy and on med for years - I thought of all ppl, she’d be the one who understand me the most. It was shocking how she attacked me for telling her my truths. It hurts so much that I can’t talk to her after that. I do not want to hurt her, my mom or anyone. I do not want to open the box of painful events and memories everyone trying to forget. All I asked from my family was I dodn’t want to talk about the truama rn, but they got scared and no one talk to me anymore about anything. All I want to hear from my mom is Did you eat today? but I guess they got scared - I feel so alone and I miss them.