Relationship New Relationship

Hi All,

I’m new here & came across your forum when looking for help.

I have recently started dating an amazing woman. I’ve known her for nearly 20 years, during that time we’ve always had a connection but have both been in long relationships.

We recently reconnected and started dating. She’s been quite open that she’s been treated extremely badly in her last relationships. I wasn’t aware of this as we had lost touch before this happened.

Things have been going extremely well, she’s been very honest with me, shared some insight into her world & trauma & we’ve told each other we love each other (awww).

She will occasionally tell me “I’m no good for you” or “I’m afraid I’ll hurt you” which I know is her trauma talking. We’ve discussed these thoughts openly which seem to have worked & settled her.

Recently she has made comments openly, albeit it in a playful manner, “I’m going to go no contact for a week, what do you think?” Which I believe looking back now was her way of letting me know that her emotions were becoming overwhelming for her. A few days later we had the most amazing date. When she got home she spiralled, which I half expected. We talked it through and she seemed to relax. Going on to tell me she had the most amazing evening & how in control of her emotions and self she felt. Over the next few days she slight withdrew, I kept checking in with her without pressuring her in any way. She started communicating like normal again asking me to help her with something and explained her gratitude for how I am with her.

Then a day later she pulled back, no explanation just silence. I gave her a few days, reached out. She read my messages but didn’t respond. I know this can be a way of staying connected without the emotional increase that goes with texting or calling.

At the time my anxiety went through the roof, and I couldn’t understand why, however I’ve realised now that I have my own abandonment issues from child hood & my marriage. I’m working on these and have sought help but that’s not why I am writing this.

I am trying to better understand her situation, what is going through her head. How can I support & let her know I am still here & not going anywhere without adding to her emotional temperature. Selfishly I also would love to know if it’s over between us or is that my own trauma speaking. What do resurfacing timelines look like & what can I expect when she does.

She’s genuinely an amazing woman who I very much love and care about. She’s said previously & I’m paraphrasing that she worry’s I’ll leave if I see her at her worst. This could not be further from the truth.

TLDR :

Dating a woman with severe trauma, she’s gone radio silent. Looking for advice, explanations on what to do, what to expect, what’s going off in her mind.

I’d love to hear from both women who have similar trauma & partners who have experienced the same as I am now.

Thank you for taking time out of your day to help a slightly confused but grateful stranger

Welcome to the forums here! What a great place to read, learn, and share.
Thank you for your post! That was well written.

First. I am not a professional psychiatrist.
Second. I'm just human. My observations could be wrong.
But, for what it's worth....

Thoughts on relationships?
Understand where you're both coming from.
If she is damaged or hurt, there needs to be a lot of room for contractions - both forward and backward - in her emotional state.
And, you need to have the strength and patience to absorb those and not get drawn in and hurt by her. These can be tough hurdles to overcome in life and take years to heal. But if she is honest and working on it, it can be a relationship that can bear fruit.

I do think it would be fair to set one or two parameters. I think communication is one. If she needs space or time, totally fine. But she can't go dark and disappear for weeks without at least saying "hey, I've gotta work on some things, gimme a week or ten days." I think there needs to be an understanding that you can do 98% of the work to start, if need be, but no pain no gain. Relationships need to work both ways or some damage can ensue. And a simple text from her every few days, "I'm fine" or "okay" can help. As a PTSD victim I can go in to my dark place and I weaponize communication. That is so wrong on my part and I need to be better at correcting it.

You have to know your own comfort zone. Working with someone who is hurting and watching the "aha" moments as they heal and realize things can get better is a wonderful experience. But you cannot set the pace. It will happen as providence sees fit. And as the other person strives to accomplish it.
We can't know when all the triggers or backsliding will occur either. Being able to be the patient partner when all your insides can get knotted up because you are emotionally involved with this person is a strain at times.

It'll probably never be perfect all the time. But hopefully the good will outweigh the bad and as time passes the good times become normal.

I wish you well.

Thank you for taking time to respond.

Being honest if I didn’t think she was worth it I wouldn’t be here. This is probably because I knew her pre trauma & I know from spending time with her that that women is still there but she is hurting.

I did feel hurt initially (and I do a little still) but I don’t in anyway blame her. This was before I had the aha moment and it all kind of clicked.

Completely agree, I definitely think communication can be worked on and that she would be willing and capable to have a conversation around it as and when she resurfaces. I’m still learning about how trauma effects people so it’s possible her question around what my thoughts were about her going silent for a week was her way of bringing this up but at the time I didn’t see the true meaning of her words. This is the first time she’s disappeared for longer than 24 hours, however, I can see that our last date was more than likely the catalyst that pushed her emotional temperature over the edge.

Resurfacing timeline wise, this is me trying to understand and gauge the landscape. If I know what something looks like I can better prepare for it. That said it seems it’s probably not going to be something that can be quantified and will become apparent in due course.

I’m sorry you’ve gone through something that has hurt you also. Please know I appreciate you sharing your experience to help me.

Hi, and welcome! Finding this forum has been a lifeline for me: hope it helps for you too. My partner disappears when he's overwhelmed - we've had some long breaks but keep finding each other again because he is the pretty much the best thing that has ever happened to me. Some days I deal with it really well - some days I'm a disaster (as you'll probably see if you read back through the forum!) I also have abandonment fears, but I'm getting gradually better at holding on to my sense of self, and he is getting gradually better at communicating. I still don't really know what happens to him in those periods, and I don't know what is happening for your partner, but I realized recently that I've actually been doing something similar and I can tell you what has been going on in my own head: While I can always respond to my partner and my son I have been leaving all the messages from both my mum and my sister unread for a couple of weeks. My sister had asked me for a favour which I really want to sort out for her, but I feel too stressed and generally overwhelmed to sort out the details at the moment, and my mum is planning a visit, and I do want to see her, but I'm feeling very anxious about the logistics. And so I see their messages, and I do want to cooperate, and I do want to respond, but my mind goes blank and I'm panicking and I just can't. It really isn't them, it really is just me: my system is in overwhelm. I should stress that I don't have PTSD or a trauma diagnosis, and I can't speak for anyone else, but it was eye opening to me to catch myself in a behavior and realize that it was more similar than I had previously liked to admit.

Timeline is hard, because your anxious brain wants to know - disappearance for my partner is generally not more than about a week, but it depends on the trigger. For me, I've developed a system where if he goes quiet I will leave it and reach out in a couple of days, and if I still don't reach him I lengthen the timeline between contact to a week, and then to two, etc etc, worst case leveling out at a monthly check in. Just because it helps me a little bit to have a plan, and it doesn't seem to make things worse for him: he responds when he's ready.

I don't know if any of this is helpful, but I have found it generally helpful here to know I'm not the only person struggling with these things.

Hi Notgoodatnames,

Notgoodatnames said:

My sister had asked me for a favour which I really want to sort out for her, but I feel too stressed and generally overwhelmed to sort out the details at the moment, and my mum is planning a visit, and I do want to see her, but I'm feeling very anxious about the logistics. And so I see their messages, and I do want to cooperate, and I do want to respond, but my mind goes blank and I'm panicking and I just can't. It really isn't them, it really is just me: my system is in overwhelm. I

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This is really helpful, as I can also relate to this which makes sense if it’s so difficult for us then I cannot imagine what it must be like for our partners. It’s also interesting as she has used the exact same language “I do want x, I just cant”

Notgoodatnames said:

Timeline is hard, because your anxious brain wants to know - disappearance for my partner is generally not more than about a week, but it depends on the trigger. For me, I've developed a system where if he goes quiet I will leave it and reach out in a couple of days, and if I still don't reach him I lengthen the timeline between contact to a week, and then to two, etc etc, worst case leveling out at a monthly check in. Just because it helps me a little bit to have a plan, and it doesn't seem to make things worse for him: he responds when he's ready

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This is really helpful, just before I read your message I had got myself into the start of my own spiral worrying & being anxious over the “illusion of action”. That I feel I have to do something now to resolve the situation (I know this is my own fear of loss and abandonment trauma) so your message came at a really helpful moment. As I was going down the rabbit hole of is this over, has she decided to go back to an ex or met someone else. Logically I’d like to think someone who says they love you with sincerity a week before doesn’t suddenly stop. Anyway I digress.

Structure & a plan helps me too, and what you’ve suggested seems ideal. Few days, a week, 2 weeks, 3 weeks, a month. Just so I understand your strategy is it from the point of disappearing that you contact a few days later, then a week after the first message or a week after the point of silence?


It’s definitely helped knowing that you go through something similar, not that I would want anyone to feel what I do but there is a sense of peace & calm that I’m not alone.

Really appreciate you taking time to share your story & support. Thank you.

MrX said:

Just so I understand your strategy is it from the point of disappearing that you contact a few days later

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Yes. When he's gone, he's gone. He's not someone who always has his phone on him anyway, so sometimes it takes a little while to realize he's not getting back to me. So if I call him one day and don't reach him, I wait and try again the next day, and then when it's two days in a row I'm like "oh, ok, we're here again..." and then start increasing the times between calls. I know many many people on here have said that it's important for the other partner to at least check in and say they are taking a break, but my experience so far is that although we've discussed it, and although he agrees in principle, when something knocks him off balance, he is just gone for a while, and unable to communicate.

MrX said:

As I was going down the rabbit hole of is this over

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Ugh, yes, this rabbit hole is exhausting, and for me it is trying to grow within myself to believe I'm lovable enough not to be left, rather than believing it is quite plausible that I could be abandoned at the drop of a hat. Which sounds ridiculous when I say it out loud, but.... So I'm working on that by myself, which is good for me, and will be good for me regardless of any relationship I'm in. Much much much easier to type than it is to do!!!!

Notgoodatnames said:

Yes. When he's gone, he's gone

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Got you! Out of interest does he appreciate the continued outreach or at the very least doesn’t see it as an issue?. I don’t want to come across smothering but I’m conscious that she’s said she doesn’t know how or why I would want to love her. So I’m on the fence between consistent communication (so she doesn’t feel abandoned by me) during the disappearance & strategic communication if that makes sense. Frustrating as I know she’s on her phone sometimes and could message or call but like you said previously there’s a disconnect between wanting to & not actually being able to.

I agree it is important for them to say, in an ideal world, “I’m ok I need space I’ll check in tomorrow” however if headspace isn’t there this won’t be top of their list or they may find it far too overwhelming to even consider.

Notgoodatnames said:

Ugh, yes, this rabbit hole is exhausting

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Isn’t it just, I struggle with the unknown in general. It’s one of those things that has always been a source of stress for me. I’m working on it but it’s a battle. But like you say I would like to think that there is enough of a connection and she thinks enough of me not to completely walk away at the drop of a hat without even a goodbye. But that’s where the unknown gets to you and the abandonment issues take hold.

Haha yes far easier to say out loud than to do.

People with trauma are quirky. I am. The gal I have been dating is too. Both of us have trauma histories and our own quirks. My thinking is that I can learn from her but at the same time I am on the receiving end of some weird stuff. For example she has been in Nepal for the past several weeks. She calls me yesterday and chews me out about not wearing my hearing aids. I was like why are we arguing about my hearing aids you are half way around the world. Then today I get several texts blaming me for Donald Trump because I am a white male. I don’t get upset with this stuff because I know she is just dysregulated. But what it does do is convince me to not get too emotionally invested in the relationship. When she gets like this I just give her the space she needs. I respond to texts slower. She is a wonderful person but we are both messed up. I don’t take it personally. If I reacted things would just get worse. So I just quietly detach and let her come around. Sometimes we can’t control things and we just have to step back.

Lost in the Woods said:

People with trauma are quirky. I am. The gal I have been dating is too. Both of us have trauma histories and our own quirks. My thinking is that I can learn from her but at the same time I am on the receiving end of some weird stuff. For example she has been in Nepal for the past several weeks. She calls me yesterday and chews me out about not wearing my hearing aids. I was like why are we arguing about my hearing aids you are half way around the world. Then today I get several texts blaming me for Donald Trump because I am a white male. I don’t get upset with this stuff because I know she is just dysregulated. But what it does do is convince me to not get too emotionally invested in the relationship. When she gets like this I just give her the space she needs. I respond to texts slower. She is a wonderful person but we are both messed up. I don’t take it personally. If I reacted things would just get worse. So I just quietly detach and let her come around. Sometimes we can’t control things and we just have to step back.

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To Lost In The Woods,
That was a mouthful.
A very well said mouthful.
So much truth in that.

Even the squirrels in my squirrel cage related to that.

Lost in the Woods said:

People with trauma are quirky. I am. The gal I have been dating is too. Both of us have trauma histories and our own quirks. My thinking is that I can learn from her but at the same time I am on the receiving end of some weird stuff. For example she has been in Nepal for the past several weeks. She calls me yesterday and chews me out about not wearing my hearing aids. I was like why are we arguing about my hearing aids you are half way around the world. Then today I get several texts blaming me for Donald Trump because I am a white male. I don’t get upset with this stuff because I know she is just dysregulated. But what it does do is convince me to not get too emotionally invested in the relationship. When she gets like this I just give her the space she needs. I respond to texts slower. She is a wonderful person but we are both messed up. I don’t take it personally. If I reacted things would just get worse. So I just quietly detach and let her come around. Sometimes we can’t control things and we just have to step back.

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Thank you for this it was interesting to read. It’s been a few weeks since we spoke now but there has been small reactions to my messages in the interim. I’m new to this and hearing your first hand account has been helpful to read. I thought I wasn’t taking it personally but I guess I was, thinking worse case scenarios when the truth and the facts are very different to what my mind was telling me about the situation.

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

We do that, we default to the worst case scenario. Early on I did some CBT and was told to not use words like never in my thinking. It did make a difference. When I get dysregulated I walk through my thoughts and edit out the catastrophic thoughts. It helps me but I still have a long ways to go.