Can the relationship survive?

[alx]

My relationship with A broke down over about 2 months, though there were warning signs and mistakes before that. She said from the start she wanted tobe open. I'm a bit inexperienced, so at the start I was way too overwhelmed to talk about openness, but I did say I was open to it and I meant it. We never really set any boundaries though - I said I wanted to start slow and made suggestions, but she just kinda started doing her own thing, very slowly. Stuff that mostly didn't bother me at first - she got with another girl on holiday (didn't mind), kissed someone at work (hmm bit close to home but not a massive one). I guess I never really told her what I felt about everything, but I did tell her maybe a month prior that I didn't really think we were in an open relationship because we hadn't set boundaries yet. I guess we're just not hearing each other properly.

Anyway, the big crisis happened when she came home at 7am on a Friday morning while I'm on my way to work, having stayed out all night unplanned. Bear in mind she'd missed two weeks of therapy and had gone to see her friend who just had an abortion on Thursday night. She told me she had a threesome and my immediate, fairly calm reaction was "So when are you moving out" which immediately set her off. She went a bit wild, was throwing things. At some point I restrained her briefly with a hug - I was freaking out for sure, but I was also thinking she can't go outside like that, she'll get sectioned. She struggled, I let go. Now I know she remembers this as me telling her to "get out of the house immediately" then pinning her down. She uses my reaction to the threesome of her primary example of why we're not compatible, at least she does when she's activated.

Fast forward two months, things are pretty good Ithink. I'm feeling closer than ever to her and I'm pretty sure she's feeling the same. I thought we got past this threesome event amazingly, though obviously we didn't entirely - she remembers and feels everything, sometimes all at once. We really love each other alot so I guess that helped. Since then I've hardly moved my arms from my sides if we've been disagreeing, I've been calm and I've tried to de-escalate. I guess I'm just realizing now that I do often try to explain myself in disagreements instead of validating.

Then we had this really stressful plane ride home, delayed for hours. She's a smokaholic so planes are always extrastressful. On the plane I told her that I'd texted our flatmate about this graffiti she'd done on the freshly painted communal landing - a neighbour texted me complaining which I found frustrating, so I messaged the flatmate. It helped me not be annoyed at A. Problem is I once had a thing for this flatmate before I got with A, and A has never accepted my explanation that me and flatmate are now just goodmates (she wants me to be honest apparently, which would be telling her I want to be with the flatmate or something like that, which is not true!). Flatmate and I do discuss our respective partners with each other as well as house issues, but really there's no sexual chemistry or romance or flirting there. I told her this after I hid my phone - hiding the phone screen is just like a pattern I've learned from young to protect myself a bit. She saw me do it and I blurted out straight away about the flatmate graffiti text as I knew it was important, even though that wasn't even what I was hiding, which was much less important and I told her about that shortly afterwards as well.

So she's annoyed about that, it's all very stressful, but we're OK. Then we get to the last train ticket barrier and I've booked slightly the wrong train and the guard is being an asshole about it. I get fed up and just push through the barrier - I know, not a great look. Then I called back to A that she should come through too and she said no, I should go. So I did. Man she dealt with it really well but I set her off outside the station by trying to explain myself like an idiot. She has anxiety over this because she got arrested last year for kicking a police officer allegedly after getting drunk and angry on a bus in the middle of the night. Now she has a criminal record and that might make her immigration stuff difficult. So yeah she was upset I put her in that situation and I agree that was a stupid thing to do, but I will say she's totally fine smoking a spliff outside the airport and is exactly the type of person who would have jumped a barrier before the arrest thing.

Over the next couple of days we're OK - gave her amassage, we were loving, we talked a bit. Until Saturday night (we came home on Tuesday). She went out with some friends after work, a couple. She kept going on about how similar they were and how they said that presented its own problems - she was obviously thinking alot about compatibility. We made it home about 5am or something, she's flossing in the living room. I want her to come to bed and chat with me and chill. Obviously I'm not reading the signs very well, but I think I barely said anything. I sat down next to her at some point, hands in my lap, and all I remember is that she starts screaming "I need space, I need space, I need space." I'm like whoa, OK, kinda frozen. I think I ask her to breathe. Instead she picks up a chair and smashes it on the floor. Shortly after that we managed to agree she could have the bedroom and I would sleep on the sofa. We've been doing space ever since. She's moved out now to a 1 month sublet. It seems she felt I was not understanding her again and questioning why she was planning to stay at a friend's the next day, which I'm really sure I wasn't, and if I was I really did not mean to.

The chair thing was 2 and a bit weeks ago now. Last week she was still around the house for a bit and she came to me quite a lot for comfort, so long as I let her come to me. We had sex before she left on Thursday night. She's come back to get her things today, Monday. I've asked for clarification on what's happening and she's got really upset that I don't know we're breaking up.

This is a lot right? I guess most relationships wouldn't survive this. I've pulled on a lot of her triggers - trust issues, the physical violation. Even so I'm still pretty confused. Obviously I'm still bargaining right now, looking for reasons she might come back. I've made some mistakes but are they like unforgivable? I love her so much, it's so difficult to see her like this. Obviously I just want to take care of her but she's protecting herself by running away from me.

 

[Sideways]

Assuming you’re the one with ptsd? There’s clearly a fair bit of dysregulation going on for both of you, so it’s not clear.

Tbh, the dynamic between the two of you sounds volatile and disrespectful (at best - because if someone else chose to use the word ‘abusive’, it wouldn’t surprise me), and your ability to communicate needs a lot of work.

There’s a love song insists that “all you need is love”. In the real world? Love, on it’s own, isn’t nearly enough for a successful relationship.

 

[alx]

Assuming you’re the one with ptsd? There’s clearly a fair bit of dysregulation going on for both of you, so it’s not clear.

No, she is the one with PTSD, but I guess if that didn't come accress from the story, then perhaps that isn't as relavent? I do also suffer from dysregulation, perhaps also Trauma, I don't really know.

Tbh, the dynamic between the two of you sounds volatile and disrespectful (at best - because if someone else chose to use the word ‘abusive’, it wouldn’t surprise me), and your ability to communicate needs a lot of work.

Yeah fair, the term 'abusive' has been used, I'm not really sure I see it like that but yeah she is obviulsy feeling very unsafe around the relationship, particularly due to the way it makes her behave sometimes.

There’s a love song insists that “all you need is love”. In the real world? Love, on it’s own, isn’t nearly enough for a successful relationship.

I geuss " All you need is love, great communication skills, compatible plans and a f*ck load of paitience" didn't really scan so well

 

[Movingforward10]

I'm sorry you are going through this, and it might be really hard to see as you're in it and clearly want the relationship to be saved and it be better. But.....

....from what you have shared, this is an unhealthy/abusive relationship.
No one should need to restrain another person. No one should be throwing chairs. Those aren't healthy behaviours. However much justification or reason someone wants to put on those.
.healthy relationships of course involve disagreements and anger and upset. But words are used to help understand and work through it.

Maybe reflecting why you want her to come back?
What is healthy about this relationship that you want to keep?

 

[alx]

I don't think this fits the definition of a abusive relationship, I defiantly see that it is unhealthy. So like sometimes people frame it like those with any kind of dysregulation issues shouldn't be in a relationship, which I think is whack, relationships are healing, this relationship has pushed me to learn all sorts of new communication and regulation skills that I didn't have before, and helped me heal all sorts of things that I won't go into now, for one of the first time in my life finding some of those things easy, or at least in a long time (yes I really needed this relationship). But, you are right I don't want this extreme push pull, or intense chaos and neither does she, hence why she's moved out.

I'm sorry you are going through this, and it might be really hard to see as you're in it and clearly want the relationship to be saved and it be better. But.....

....from what you have shared, this is an unhealthy/abusive relationship.
No one should need to restrain another person. No one should be throwing chairs. Those aren't healthy behaviours. However much justification or reason someone wants to put on those.
.healthy relationships of course involve disagreements and anger and upset. But words are used to help understand and work through it.

Maybe reflecting why you want her to come back?
What is healthy about this relationship that you want to keep?

 

[Dynamic]

My most blunt response

This is a unique dynamic. I couldn’t finish reading due to my own limitation currently

But I was surprised to see there was more after the threesome fight

I believe that’s when I would have cut all losses because it was already quite messy.

 

[Movingforward10]

I don't think this fits the definition of a abusive relationship, I defiantly see that it is unhealthy

What is the definition for you?

And maybe reflect why that definition fits better for you than the responses you are getting here? Usually, it's because people in abusive relationships don't want to hear that they are in abusive relationships. It's too painful and they are not yet ready to hear it.
Which is why I was also framing it as 'unhealthy', as that is usually a word people can attach more easily too. Either way, unhealthy is unhealthy.
There will be good things you have learnt. Relationships, abusive/unhealthy ones, have their good bits too. It's that which keeps you hooked in.

I feel for you. And I hope, when the time is right for you, that you are able to see the dynamic in this relationship so that in the future you have love that is healthy.

 

[alx]

My most blunt response

This is a unique dynamic. I couldn’t finish reading due to my own limitation currently

But I was surprised to see there was more after the threesome fight

I believe that’s when I would have cut all losses because it was already quite messy.

It was a very long post and Yeah I feel you. It's because in many ways we are very good for each other, but that obviously has come with risks. I don't form relationships very easily and from my limited experience, don't want to let them go, that is something I need to work on.

I geuss for me as someone who suffers from dysregulation as well, most things are forgivable if you are prepared to be accountable and commit to working on it, I think it is deeply sensible of me not to see this relationship as disposable. But yes reflection time definitly needed and serious awareness, openness and accountability required from both sides for any chance of progress. At least that is how I see it, she may think she is too unwell to even contemplate that, I would see that as avoidant of the work required to some extent, but that is ofc the way the cookie crumbles, I'm not in her head but I can see how unsettling this has been for her.

 

[alx]

What is the definition for you?

I think it was not controlling or ioslating, or consistent or systematic, it was generally actually quite healthy, with some really unreasonable escalations due to dysregulation and trauma responses. I think it more like both parties contributing to harm through some poor skills. I do sometimes have a sense of needing to walk on eggshells and I do think there is a pattern of deflection and avoidance and yeah I can see why any physical action reads as abuse to people, perhaps they are right but it's not exaclty how I feel.

 

[Dynamic]

I hear you and didn’t mean any ill toward your choices. If you read my diary or relationship posts - my ex ? - who acts as if we’re still together and goes through possibly a psychosis over the trauma with his family - yeah I’m not judging !!

We too are so good for each other - and I thought how dare he break up with me when triggered?

I used to pack my bags to leave my whole family.

Did anyone mention couples counseling
Or establishing boundaries around sexuality? Whatever the issue was for you - possibly could you write down what matters most to you

Like for me. Hang up on me if you must. Say f you if you absolutely must

But disappearing - games - tests

All that is draining and I want a healthy relationship.

Hope it works out for you and sorry I couldn’t retain all the info. You’re in a great place to learn

 

[alx]

No ill will felt at all, thanks so much for taking the time to respond to me, I really appreciate it.

But disappearing - games - tests

Yeah that all sounds really difficult, I don't know if that's what this is exactly here. We don't have kids or anything like that. She doesn't think she is well enough to have a relationship because it can be too restimulating for her, every mistake is symbolic, everyday accidents, small transgressions. It's actually the big stuff that has caused these breakdowns, but these things are obviously cumulative and they feed into each other, the big stuff happens because you don't deal with the little things.

Obviously there are communication skills lacking, and from my perspective we need better repair skills than this, but really, maybe she just does not have the capacity for her healing and for me right now.

I've written a lot for her and she is going to write back to me, so we will see what she is thinking, as we give everything space.

If you read my diary

How can I find you diary?

 

[LuckiLee]

If she tells you she isn't well enough to be in a relationship??? Believe her!!