Are there any last helpful things I can do?

[Anon1]

Hey everyone!

I guess most people here will vaguely remember my relationship with a girl who has C-PTSD (and possibly other conditions as well).

As a quick recap: we were together from June 2023 - January 2024; and then on/off until June 2024. She behaved quite abusively at times, the relationship was a bit toxic, and ended with that guy calling and threatening me (after I gently told her that I was cutting contact with her so that I could heal).

It took ages to move on from, but she's increasingly feeling like a dot on the horizon now.
----

Here's my question:

Before I move on completely, and near enough forget all about her (which I actually feel might be possible), is there anything that I can do to be helpful to her?

It's been around seven/eight months since I had any contact with her, and I've had a lot of personal therapy/time to reflect.

I can see the ways in which she treated me badly, but I can also see how I was in a lonely place when we met - and how I bought my own baggage and difficulties into that relationship too.

I had no way of knowing how the situation would actually play out (I can't see the future); but I sometimes feel just a shade uncomfortable when I reflect on things now.

She has an actual, clinical diagnosis of a severe trauma; and I'm relatively healthy (albeit with the usual human 'stuff').

I feel uneasy that I asked her to behave like a healthy person in a relationship, that I expected her to, and that I cut her off when she couldn't.

It'd be easy to blame everything on her and her behaviour, but no one forced me into it.
(Not that I want to blame myself for all of it either - it was a pretty confusing situation to be in.)

She - meanwhile - has had people rejecting her for years: from the students that bullied her at university to the faith community which asked her to leave their congregation.

She says this is all completely unfair, seemingly unable to see the role that she might've played in any of these things (and having been with her, I suspect she did play a pretty big role in most of it).

But still - it's like she *can't* see it - rather than it coming from a stubborn, nasty place.

My question is mostly around the idea that shame is toxic for people, and she has a lot of shame.

By cutting her off and literally never, ever talking to her again, I feel like I'm just increasing the shame of someone who's suffered a severe CSA and subsequent SA's in adulthood; and that it's okay for me because I'll forget, but that she might not.

I'm considering whether - in four or five months - I ought to send a little note just to say something like:

"Hey, I just want you to know that I didn't mean to be nasty when I cut contact - things felt difficult and confusing, and I needed to heal. I understand things can be complicated sometimes. Relationships aren't easy, and sometimes things are just really hard to navigate. I'm not holding onto any bad feelings, and I really hope everything is good for you."

^ Something like that.

I'm wondering if that could be healing and helpful for her as I move forward, or whether it might actually stir up bad things?

When that guy called me, he accused me of stalking and harassment - which wasn't remotely true - but I guess any further contact could be misconstrued as some kind of danger to her.

Finally, to be clear - I don't think any of this is coming from a co-dependent, anxious place; and I don't have any desire to reconnect with her (if we could be distant friends, it'd be lovely, but I don't think that's the reality with this situation - and so I'd rather stay completely separate).

I'd just like to be responsible and kind; and to recognise that she has been through some things which would absolutely break me.

And I don't want to simply blame her, cut her off and leave; while she might actually carry that with her throughout the next few years and it might hinder her own healing process etc (I know someone may ask "Why do you care?" but C-PTSD feels like the kind of thing a person ought to take seriously).

Any thoughts would be gratefully received - particularly around the question:

From a sufferer/survivor's perspective, what would be most helpful from me now - a small note, or complete and total silence now?

I feel like this is maybe the last piece of the puzzle before I close the door on the situation entirely - either by doing nothing and moving on, or putting a little reminder into my phone planner to send a note (if I'd still like to) somewhere around Autumn, or something.

 

[arfie]

breathing with you, anon. . . deep, cleansing breaths. . . life and love do get messy.

Before I move on completely, and near enough forget all about her (which I actually feel might be possible), is there anything that I can do to be helpful to her?

getting help for myself has helped me help my loved ones far more than any attempts at fixing them. i have been on both sides of the mental health help desk and i feel like it is harder to be helpful than it is to accept help. getting help for myself helps me sort my issues from their issues. whichever way the relationship develops, the help i get for myself is a strong and healthy bit i can keep.

I sometimes feel just a shade uncomfortable when I reflect on things now.

the word i like for this is, "rumination." i get myself into allot of trouble when i ruminate. i all too easily ruminate my way to la la land.

 

[Movingforward10]

I'm wondering if that could be healing and helpful for her as I move forward, or whether it might actually stir up bad things?

I think no one knows. But...
I think you're making some assumptions here that she has something to heal from?

Do you want her in your life as a friend? That would be the only reason to contact her?

 

[Anon1]

I think no one knows. But...
I think you're making some assumptions here that she has something to heal from?

Do you want her in your life as a friend? That would be the only reason to contact her?

Yeah, I guess so!

When I was talking about healing, I guess I was thinking in terms of her wider CPTSD healing journey.

My memory of her is of someone who often seemed very vulnerable - it didn't seem to take much to push her into a really emotional, dysregulated space where the whole world was falling apart.

She was desperate to marry, and seemed to really want to be a good, 'together' person.

But it was also like... some minor life stress would happen, she'd totally freak out, and then end up in a heap over it.

I'm mindful of how many people she said had pushed her away/not understood her; and - although that sounds like distorted thinking - I can understand why she might believe that.

I guess I was wondering if I'd harmed her longer term healing journey by being another person to cut her off (particularly as she said I was her first proper boyfriend).

It feels harsh to cut someone off in general, and I wouldn't want to leave her with extra shame, or pile baggage up that makes it harder for her to heal.

 

[Anon1]

breathing with you, anon. . . deep, cleansing breaths. . . life and love do get messy.

getting help for myself has helped me help my loved ones far more than any attempts at fixing them. i have been on both sides of the mental health help desk and i feel like it is harder to be helpful than it is to accept help. getting help for myself helps me sort my issues from their issues. whichever way the relationship develops, the help i get for myself is a strong and healthy bit i can keep.

the word i like for this is, "rumination." i get myself into allot of trouble when i ruminate. i all too easily ruminate my way to la la land.

Thank you! :)

Aye, true - maybe I am just ruminating; and perhaps I'm thinking of the worst case scenarios here.

You're right too, people can only heal and help themselves.

I guess I was wondering if I could be helpful in removing a potential stumbling block for her - she used to spiral into believing that everyone kind of hated her or something, and my actions probably haven't helped that.

I genuinely feel okay to move forward fully and completely now, and I don't think that I'm *tooo* hung up over it...

But I still recognise that she seemed really vulnerable, and of course I still care about that in some way - and I wouldn't want to just cut her off, never speak to her again, and therefore set her back in her healing from CPTSD.

That is - if a short note saying: 'hey, things are good - I had to cut contact so I could heal, but I don't hate you or something' could spare her some shame or upset, maybe it'd be a nice thing to do.

But perhaps I'm assigning too much importance to cutting her off - maybe she wouldn't be too impacted by it, and it's just me overthinking it.

 

[Movingforward10]

But perhaps I'm assigning too much importance to cutting her off - maybe she wouldn't be too impacted by it, and it's just me overthinking it.

This is a good question to ask yourself.

Because it's a very normal and common thing to do to cut contact to help you get over the end of a relationship. Lots and lots of people do it. Some indefinitely. Some reunit. But it doesn't mean the other person is lingering in the past.
You simply don't know what she is thinking and feeling. She may not even give your relationship a second thought. Or she may think about it now and then and be fine about it. Or she may still be holding it. Whatever she is doing: it feels to me you're working her out as opposed to yourself. Which, from memory, you were doing before?

So, if you want to be in contact twitj her why not just say "been thinking about you and how we ended and I wondered if you fancied meeting up as friends?" Or whatever it is you want from a friendship now? Rather than "I ended contact because blah blah blah" because that's going backwards not forwards. And you don't need to explain. And you explaining Isn't giving her anything because she hasn't asked for anything, but could be imposing something based on your assumptions.

 

[deno]

I understand the pull to want to offer clarity or kindness after cutting contact, especially when someone has been through a lot. But I’ve also learned that we can’t control how another person receives or perceives things. Sometimes, our attempt to provide closure for them is really about our own feelings. You did what you needed to do for your own well-being. That doesn’t make you unkind, it makes you human. If you feel compelled to reach out, maybe sit with it for a while and see if the urge is still there in a few months. If it’s about wanting peace with the decision, you might already have your answer.

 

[Anon1]

This is a good question to ask yourself.

Because it's a very normal and common thing to do to cut contact to help you get over the end of a relationship. Lots and lots of people do it. Some indefinitely. Some reunit. But it doesn't mean the other person is lingering in the past.
You simply don't know what she is thinking and feeling. She may not even give your relationship a second thought. Or she may think about it now and then and be fine about it. Or she may still be holding it. Whatever she is doing: it feels to me you're working her out as opposed to yourself. Which, from memory, you were doing before?

So, if you want to be in contact twitj her why not just say "been thinking about you and how we ended and I wondered if you fancied meeting up as friends?" Or whatever it is you want from a friendship now? Rather than "I ended contact because blah blah blah" because that's going backwards not forwards. And you don't need to explain. And you explaining Isn't giving her anything because she hasn't asked for anything, but could be imposing something based on your assumptions.

Yeah, perhaps you're right.

Maybe I do just need to focus on myself and move forward.

I'm not sure if I've articulated myself clearly or not here, so just to clarify with a different question -

Is there anything actually harmful about cutting someone off who has CPTSD, when they're still very much working out their healing; and not offering any kind of conciliation/sense of 'okay-ness'?

It's not that I think she's missing me necessarily (for all I know, that's not how it is at all).

But perhaps the sense of just being totally pushed away, cut off, blocked etc is a bit harmful for someone with a complex trauma background; and now I feel largely okay, I'm in a position to be kinder about it if it'd be helpful for me to be.

Once I fully let go of this, I guess it's gone forever (perhaps); and I don't want to wash my hands of everything if I was one half of a situation which I could make a bit nicer for someone.

I know it's probably all speculative, and no one knows what someone else is thinking - but it's kind of a clinical question around what 'cutting someone off' might feel like to a person with severe trauma.

Whether I ever speak to her again or not, I wouldn't like to damage someone's healing process - or hold someone back from being well.

I just want to check I'm not being a real idiot :)

 

[Anon1]

I understand the pull to want to offer clarity or kindness after cutting contact, especially when someone has been through a lot. But I’ve also learned that we can’t control how another person receives or perceives things. Sometimes, our attempt to provide closure for them is really about our own feelings. You did what you needed to do for your own well-being. That doesn’t make you unkind, it makes you human. If you feel compelled to reach out, maybe sit with it for a while and see if the urge is still there in a few months. If it’s about wanting peace with the decision, you might already have your answer.

Yeah, I think you've articulated that really well.

I don't know... perhaps it is more about my feelings than anything else.

The thing is... I'm so aware that CPTSD is an actual, clinical diagnosis - and I want to be respectful of that, and behave responsibly.

I don't have it CPTSD. So I'll be okay.
And I hope she will be too - because setting someone back in their process isn't something I'd want to do.

But you are right, it's up to each individual to heal themselves and if I overreach, there are all kinds of ways that that can be misconstrued.

Perhaps I need to feel a bit more comfortable with the grey area, and to understand that I do care, I'm not being thoughtless, I'm just trying to do the right thing by all concerned.

Your suggestion of sitting with it for a while is a good one :)

That said - I also don't want to sit with it for so long that it keeps it in my head.

Maybe I'll look to forget about it, and if it feels genuinely important in a few months, I can consider it then.

It may be all forgotten by then anyway...

 

[Movingforward10]

Is there anything actually harmful about cutting someone off who has CPTSD

Context is everything with this because there are a range of answers from yes to no. But the context with you is that she ended the relationship, so no, nothing harmful? Part of ending a relationship?

when they're still very much working out their healing;

And when we’re healing, isolation is our friend sometimes so not having additional people to worry about/contact/deal with can be immense relief. Equally it can feel isolating. But either way: our individual healing journeys are just that.

and not offering any kind of conciliation/sense of 'okay-ness'?

I really think you need to consider the difference between offering support when there is a relationship from where to do that (and when that offer may be accepted or rejected) and imposing offers of support when there isn’t a relationship currently.
She hasn’t asked for your support? So you’re not withholding anything. But offering support when it hasn’t been asked for and you’re not in contact seems odd?

 

[Anon1]

Context is everything with this because there are a range of answers from yes to no. But the context with you is that she ended the relationship, so no, nothing harmful? Part of ending a relationship?

Weeelll - yes and no - she did end things, but then wanted to start things back up again (and I said I didn't feel we'd sorted things out enough yet).

We were then friends, but she often fluctuated between "I'm really working on myself, and I want to be with you", (which always got my hopes up) and then ignoring me for a bit (which always hurt), and then coming back again.

Then she said she was booking a flight to see me (which was her suggestion), but didn't tell me she was now seeing someone.

She then didn't book the flight, and still didn't tell me she was seeing someone.

^ This was a big old rollercoaster for me, where I was trying to stay solid, consistent and maintain good boundaries (which wasn't at all easy).

I only found out about her and this guy because I walked around the corner and saw them together (completely randomly).

When I was cutting contact with her - so I could finally have some consistency and healing time, she still said she'd like to speak if we saw each other in public (and I said I didn't think that'd be okay for me at that time).

All this is to say ^ It wasn't that she broke it off with me, I decided to take months of space, and now I'm randomly trying to 'fix' something - it was all very messy, not very healthy, and it didn't end in a clean way.

Now I'm not trying to fix anything, so much as feeling that:
"I'm no longer super hurt, I'm no longer really upset, I'm no longer angry - am I now happy with how things ended?"

She hasn’t asked for your support? So you’re not withholding anything. But offering support when it hasn’t been asked for and you’re not in contact seems odd?

The first part of this is helpful - it's good to operate with that kind of clarity.

The second part feels like a harsh take though - I had a front row seat to someone's severe mental health difficulties for a number of months, and heard trauma stories which have stuck with me.

It made a real impact to witness some of that stuff - if you've never seen it or experienced it before, it can be hard to process at first.

I'm not an expert in the area of trauma etc, and I don't think it's particularly odd to ask oneself the question:

"Am I okay with how I've left this, and have I behaved responsibly towards someone who might just benefit from a bit of additional kindness and closure?"

That seems reasonable...

(It might still be totally wrong and unhelpful of course, but it doesn't feel like it's a particularly strange thought process...)

[edit: sorry if that was worded a bit intensely ^ I'm writing this from my bed with flu, so I'm probably not so clear headed this evening!]

 

[Sideways]

We were then friends, but she often fluctuated between "I'm really working on myself, and I want to be with you", (which always got my hopes up) and then ignoring me for a bit (which always hurt), and then coming back again.

Re-entangling yourself in her life doesn’t seem like a particularly kind thing to do, now that boundaries have been established and things have ended.

To be on the receiving end of “it’s still over, but I’ve got extra stuff to say to you…for your benefit…” is a very confusing message to someone who already struggles with instability in their relationships.

It sounds like this is coming from a kind place, but I’m not sure it would be a kind thing to be on the receiving end of.

The end of a relationship is closure. Nothing additional is required, and anything additional is probably entering into codependence territory.