Morning panic...I am not getting any better...last night I was okay...help

[arfie]

I am unsure what they mean by new . I think many people are not aware of the past, unless they lived through something that shook them. I can understand your anger and it must be triggering.

unless they lived through a shock and/or were raised with those shocks as part of their every day. i'm going to hazard the guess that you do know what i mean. similar stories are in the bible. samson didn't even need an assault rifle to get bloody in his psychotic break. can i beat you with the jawbone of an ass, teacher dear? yes, it remains triggering, but i have gotten pretty skilled at anger channeling. both of my asses still have their jawbones. yes, i really do have two asses. i kiss ass daily. my avi pict is my ass's eye.

we see it through the eyes of our own childhood in my opinion

i believe this is nature and there is no getting around it. my 3 orphans can only see their orphan's life. it's my job to broaden their perspectives. works in progress.

healing hopes for all. no exceptions.

 

[Susan Jane]

unless they lived through a shock and/or were raised with those shocks as part of their every day. i'm going to hazard the guess that you do know what i mean. similar stories are in the bible. samson didn't even need an assault rifle to get bloody in his psychotic break. can i beat you with the jawbone of an ass, teacher dear? yes, it remains triggering, but i have gotten pretty skilled at anger channeling. both of my asses still have their jawbones. yes, i really do have two asses. i kiss ass daily. my avi pict is my ass's eye.

i believe this is nature and there is no getting around it. my 3 orphans can only see their orphan's life. it's my job to broaden their perspectives. works in progress.

healing hopes for all. no exceptions.

You are a kind person. I understand the anger, and I get angry too! I hand it out more calmly than I used to.

 

[PamelaS]

You are a kind person. I understand the anger, and I get angry too! I hand it out more calmly than I used to.

I wish I had a better sense of humor. My son does, but somehow I missed that gene. Thankful for the humor here. Trying to learn to take life a whole lot less seriously.

 

[Realsick]

Hello @Susan Jane , I used to dread waking up in absolute fear and panic. It was a living nightmare. I was fighting for a medication change which I eventually got and it changed my life. But before that happened, my life was a shitshow for decades.

How bad did it get? real bad. Alcoholism and a history of complex trauma, depression and anxiety. Everyone has their own story. I've been on here for several years and it was crucial in my recovery. I stopped drinking and smoking 4.5 years ago which was a godsend but it happened because I had a heart attack and nearly died.

As far as I'm concerned, acceptance of who you are and what happened to you is the first step of recovery but that's soooo hard and painful. Reaching out for help and the knockbacks that come with it until you find people that understand and get it...

The best revenge is good living. Baby steps of being kind to yourself and learning how to love yourself. I've never had kids so can't comment on that. Theres lots of supportive and smart people on here. They're very helpful .

Why is it so hard to accept what happened to us?

 

[Susan Jane]

Why is it so hard to accept what happened to us?

For me I think it means my parents didn’t love me and I wanted that not to be true. I wanted to cling on to hope that this wasn’t possible, because the pain it caused me, the rejection, it hurt so much I thought I would lose consciousness.

 

[Survivor3]

Why is it so hard to accept what happened to us?

Fear, denial, how unjust it all is. There is a story in Buddhism called the 2 darts (or arrows). The first dart is when someone does something bad to us, and it really hurts and upsets us. The second dart, we pick up ourselves and stab ourselves with it..."Look what they did to me, look how bad it is and how painful it is"... it can be quite common.

@Realsick I won't answer any more direct questions in this thread as it's @Susan Jane 's diary. If you want to talk or discuss then let's do it in one of our diaries.

 

[Laurenk503]

Dealing with trauma is unbelievably exhausting. After the morning of can I get out of bed, and deal with my life, through too it is 6:00 p.m. can I go back to sleep now? I had been feeling rather optimistic, I got to the dentist, and did some shopping for food. These things make me feel like I am functioning. I felt so accomplished yesterday, like I might be able to go back to work next week. Then boom, wake up, totally in panic, unable to move. I spoke to myself out-loud and said you do not have to go back to work, it is going to be okay. Then, my mind went in a spin... to how am I going to pay my bills, what will I tell my son now, I have been okay and it will make him worry. I cannot make him feel responsible for me like my mother tried when I was a child. He has to know I will never make him feel that way. What will everybody think? I called a friend sobbing and said I just need to hear her voice, please don't be angry, I can't lose all my friends and I am so afraid. Please please don't leave me, I am so scared....I am so scared....and now I am exhausted and I can hardly move. Does anyone have these panic panic things when they wake up?

I must have been terrified when my parents abandon me. First my dad left, and then my mom. I grew up in multiple foster homes, and neither one of them has every acknowledge it. My mom is dead but she always maintained she lost her children, better than saying she left I guess. I also have compassion for her, now that she is dead, and I am free of the guilt I had of over 50 years for not being able to help her, and be her mom, as she so badly wanted. I had to save myself, as I was a mother myself and I knew her problems would break me and I couldn't raise my child. I managed to do it. He is 24 now and my first complete breakdown was when he was almost 21. My ex-husband and I had an agreement, he would always be there to help with my son, he knew I was terrified of breaking down. Well I guess ex explain show that worked out :-) Thanks for listening, I am really scared at the moment.

I am just reading this and your story is so so much like mine! What you are going through, your feelings…I get it and you are not alone. Sending hugs

 

[Susan Jane]

I am just reading this and your story is so so much like mine! What you are going through, your feelings…I get it and you are not alone. Sending hugs

Thank you Larenk503, sending hugs back..I am sorry you have this as well. I used to think I was the only one who felt this weird, I was afraid to tell anyone. Susan

 

[Susan Jane]

I am just reading this and your story is so so much like mine! What you are going through, your feelings…I get it and you are not alone. Sending hugs

Why is it so hard to accept what happened to us?

Realsick: I was fighting for a medication change which I eventually got and it changed my life. But before that happened, my life was a shitshow for decades.

Hello Realsick, could you expand o this medication change? I don't feel my medication works at all, and my doctor says it is a real good one...not very helpful or? Thanks Susan

 

[Realsick]

Hello Realsick, could you expand o this medication change? I don't feel my medication works at all, and my doctor says it is a real good one...not very helpful or? Thanks Susan

Hi Susan. I apologize it took me a while to see this. My shrink added abilify and klonopin. Before that I had uncontrollable panic attacks. Now I can focus on recovery.

 

[Susan Jane]

Panic again since yesterday....I was doing quite okay, and then bang the sadness, loneliness and isolation set back in. I thought I was coming out of the worst. I know this struggle and I know it is an illness, and yet it is so hard to accept. I cannot read anymore articles about this illness, or listen to books, it triggers me and makes me feel hopeless, and yet my mind knows it is all true. I feel exhausted, and angry that I have to deal with this everyday. I am now out of bed, where I wanted to stay. I am going to start the battle to keep myself up until I can finally go back to sleep tonight. Is this depression now? Do I need to name it or accept it? I go from panic to sad and helpless. My sister is coming out to visit soon, and I am scared, I do not want to lay this on her, she has the same challenges and yet I am so happy she is coming. I am afraid, I will lay down and sleep for a week if she comes, and I cannot do that to her, she has her own shit and battle. Can anyone relate? Any advise how to see this all? Thanks for listening Susan