Morning panic...I am not getting any better...last night I was okay...help

[Susan Jane]

Dealing with trauma is unbelievably exhausting. After the morning of can I get out of bed, and deal with my life, through too it is 6:00 p.m. can I go back to sleep now? I had been feeling rather optimistic, I got to the dentist, and did some shopping for food. These things make me feel like I am functioning. I felt so accomplished yesterday, like I might be able to go back to work next week. Then boom, wake up, totally in panic, unable to move. I spoke to myself out-loud and said you do not have to go back to work, it is going to be okay. Then, my mind went in a spin... to how am I going to pay my bills, what will I tell my son now, I have been okay and it will make him worry. I cannot make him feel responsible for me like my mother tried when I was a child. He has to know I will never make him feel that way. What will everybody think? I called a friend sobbing and said I just need to hear her voice, please don't be angry, I can't lose all my friends and I am so afraid. Please please don't leave me, I am so scared....I am so scared....and now I am exhausted and I can hardly move. Does anyone have these panic panic things when they wake up?

I must have been terrified when my parents abandon me. First my dad left, and then my mom. I grew up in multiple foster homes, and neither one of them has every acknowledge it. My mom is dead but she always maintained she lost her children, better than saying she left I guess. I also have compassion for her, now that she is dead, and I am free of the guilt I had of over 50 years for not being able to help her, and be her mom, as she so badly wanted. I had to save myself, as I was a mother myself and I knew her problems would break me and I couldn't raise my child. I managed to do it. He is 24 now and my first complete breakdown was when he was almost 21. My ex-husband and I had an agreement, he would always be there to help with my son, he knew I was terrified of breaking down. Well I guess ex explain show that worked out :-) Thanks for listening, I am really scared at the moment.

 

[anthony]

Everything you are saying is perfectly normal for PTSD. Do your best, leave the rest. Do what is essential for you to live and take care of your son, and try and forget the rest for now. You may need meds in order to function better to enable you to do what you need. Once you can do the essentials, then work on the issues and how to fix yourself.

 

[Susan Jane]

Everything you are saying is perfectly normal for PTSD. Do your best, leave the rest. Do what is essential for you to live and take care of your son, and try and forget the rest for now. You may need meds in order to function better to enable you to do what you need. Once you can do the essentials, then work on the issues and how to fix yourself.

Thank you…this is the first of these bad episodes in my life that I am beginning to believe I have PTSD. Admitting that I have it means the trauma really happened. Support appreciated Susan

 

[PamelaS]

Thank you…this is the first of these bad episodes in my life that I am beginning to believe I have PTSD. Admitting that I have it means the trauma really happened. Support appreciated Susan

Many of us live in denial for many years before we’re ready to face the truth. First and foremost, be kind to yourself and forgive yourself for being human and making mistakes just like everyone else does. If it is not harmful to you, I would like to be praying for you that you will stop feeling guilty and responsible for your mother. That is not healthy for you to carry. Until we recognize the things that we’re doing to harm ourselves, we can’t make changes to do better. But once we acknowledge a situation, like PTSD, and that makes it real, then we can finally start dealing with it. There is no shame. There is no reason to feel guilty concerning your mother, especially now that she’s gone. The only thing that does is bring you down. So I’m hoping that you will learn to break that. Anthony is very wise. He is the person who created this forum. You can trust what he says. And I agree with his suggestions. Give yourself grace. Give yourself a break. Stop expecting things that put more pressure on yourself. Just accept where you are and move forward one little tiny bit at a time until you build up momentum. Once you build a momentum, the changes will come faster and you will be able to make bigger changes. But for now, in order to not go backwards and jeopardize your son and yourself, it is your responsibility to take care of yourself. That is all you need to worry about right now. I’m here for you anytime you need. Love you!

 

[arfie]

i am the foster mother of 3 beautiful orphans, currently ages 11, 9 and 6. they had been in my protective custody for approximately 6 weeks when both parents were killed in a car accident. i opine that the need for foster care, all by its lonesome, is a tragic trauma for any child. helping a child process that trauma is harder than unsquashing a bug. those 3 beautiful orphans have been with me for 5 1/2 years now and the works are still in progress. i'm not sure it is possible to **get over** the absence of the people genetically engineered to protect you for life.

i my own childhood, foster care might have been a lesser evil than staying with the birth family which sold me into child sex trafficking, but? ? ? can i see what is behind door number 3?

time has no meaning in the healing process. ~algonquin proverb

how can 50 years of the dirty bandages of denial and repression heal the psychic wounds of trauma? seems to me that the extra 50 years of denial and repression only deepen the original infection and open the door for the opportunistic infections of bad marriages, undeveloped careers, etc.

be gentle with yourself and patient with the process, susan. i hope you find the courage to open the door to the healing mysteries. i hope healing happens here.

 

[Susan Jane]

Many of us live in denial for many years before we’re ready to face the truth. First and foremost, be kind to yourself and forgive yourself for being human and making mistakes just like everyone else does. If it is not harmful to you, I would like to be praying for you that you will stop feeling guilty and responsible for your mother. That is not healthy for you to carry. Until we recognize the things that we’re doing to harm ourselves, we can’t make changes to do better. But once we acknowledge a situation, like PTSD, and that makes it real, then we can finally start dealing with it. There is no shame. There is no reason to feel guilty concerning your mother, especially now that she’s gone. The only thing that does is bring you down. So I’m hoping that you will learn to break that. Anthony is very wise. He is the person who created this forum. You can trust what he says. And I agree with his suggestions. Give yourself grace. Give yourself a break. Stop expecting things that put more pressure on yourself. Just accept where you are and move forward one little tiny bit at a time until you build up momentum. Once you build a momentum, the changes will come faster and you will be able to make bigger changes. But for now, in order to not go backwards and jeopardize your son and yourself, it is your responsibility to take care of yourself. That is all you need to worry about right now. I’m here for you anytime you need. Love you!

Thank you Pamela

i am the foster mother of 3 beautiful orphans, currently ages 11, 9 and 6. they had been in my protective custody for approximately 6 weeks when both parents were killed in a car accident. i opine that the need for foster care, all by its lonesome, is a tragic trauma for any child. helping a child process that trauma is harder than unsquashing a bug. those 3 beautiful orphans have been with me for 5 1/2 years now and the works are still in progress. i'm not sure it is possible to **get over** the absence of the people genetically engineered to protect you for life.

i my own childhood, foster care might have been a lesser evil than staying with the birth family which sold me into child sex trafficking, but? ? ? can i see what is behind door number 3?

time has no meaning in the healing process. ~algonquin proverb

how can 50 years of the dirty bandages of denial and repression heal the psychic wounds of trauma? seems to me that the extra 50 years of denial and repression only deepen the original infection and open the door for the opportunistic infections of bad marriages, undeveloped careers, etc.

be gentle with yourself and patient with the process, susan. i hope you find the courage to open the door to the healing mysteries. i hope healing happens here.

What a wonderful person you are Arfie, helping children in need. I understand what you are saying, and I am so sorry that you had such a horrific time in your birth family. I cannot honestly say if staying with my mother would have helped at all. She was a lost soul, the product of alcoholism and abuse from her own mother. Forgiving her for what happened, has been hard, and it did not heal my trauma. I somehow have come to terms with her neglect, I spoke to her in spirit and told her that and she died the next day. I am normally, a high functioning survivor of my traumas, so being in this vulnerable, panicked state is almost unbearable at times. I know no one can save me but me. I think I have the courage to open the door. Seems to me it has been locked, and well I need to find a key (amongst all the other keys in my overfilled drawers, which actually must unlock something, an old bike, door or car)

 

[arfie]

I am normally, a high functioning survivor of my traumas, so being in this vulnerable, panicked state is almost unbearable at times.

repression carries unpredictable traits. in hindsight, i believe that so heavily repressing mine left them ample room to grow some truly demonic traits. "high functioning survivor" is an apt description of how i dealt until the house of cards started tumbling down. the good news is that the same qualities which made me a high functioning survivor came in downright handy when i finally addressed my need to heal.

amongst all the other keys in my overfilled drawers, which actually must unlock something, an old bike, door or car)

my odd-ball key collections open baby hearts. babies love keys. put 3 or more on a string and they will play with them until they discover video games.

 

[Susan Jane]

repression carries unpredictable traits. in hindsight, i believe that so heavily repressing mine left them ample room to grow some truly demonic traits. "high functioning survivor" is an apt description of how i dealt until the house of cards started tumbling down. the good news is that the same qualities which made me a high functioning survivor came in downright handy when i finally addressed my need to heal.

my odd-ball key collections open baby hearts. babies love keys. put 3 or more on a string and they will play with them until they discover video games.

Thank you… I am starting to believe that as well… my high functioning ability can be used to look after myself.. and heal. I am currently having hot flashes and am shaky writing this to you. I am really scared. Thanks for your insight. I appreciate this support so much. I have read all the books, talked myself blue, been in one form or another of therapy… I need to find the path to me, and that is my biggest fear, getting to know me.

 

[arfie]

my high functioning ability can be used to look after myself.. and heal. I am currently having hot flashes and am shaky writing this to you.

this gave me a flashback to my perimenopausal years in the late 90's-early 2k. it was intense, but post-menopause rocks! ! ! girl howdy i feel liberated without the monthly roller coaster ride.

getting back on topic. . .

most excellent wording on what i am attempting to say. remediating those flashes and shakes is a better use of my than worrying about which school is going to be victimized by the next adolescent breakdown. or what our presidential talk show host is going to do next.

 

[Susan Jane]

this gave me a flashback to my perimenopausal years in the late 90's-early 2k. it was intense, but post-menopause rocks! ! ! girl howdy i feel liberated without the monthly roller coaster ride.

getting back on topic. . .

most excellent wording on what i am attempting to say. remediating those flashes and shakes is a better use of my than worrying about which school is going to be victimized by the next adolescent breakdown. or what our presidential talk show host is going to do next.

I am with you on that. The trauma in American schools, is so heartbreaking because it doesn’t have to be this way. We both have trauma, I left school in 82 if I remember correctly and trauma existed as well. When did it start to go array? Adding legal guns, available to all those traumatized people… abusers and survivors. When I was young people didn’t have guns in their pockets and families didn’t usually have holiday greeting cards with every member holding a gun. What the heck happened? I was born in CA and yes there were guns and homeless people but it took off to a whole other level. I don’t live in the US anymore (long story for another time…moved with ex to his country, actually it is funny he lives in FL as a German and I live here in Germany as an American) but I am American and my heart breaks every time I see another shooting. Politics back then were bad enough and awful things happened but what is happening at the moment … well the trauma from the politics in play is more dangerous in my opinion . Thanks Arfie for all your kindness and support Susan

 

[PamelaS]

this gave me a flashback to my perimenopausal years in the late 90's-early 2k. it was intense, but post-menopause rocks! ! ! girl howdy i feel liberated without the monthly roller coaster ride.

getting back on topic. . .

most excellent wording on what i am attempting to say. remediating those flashes and shakes is a better use of my than worrying about which school is going to be victimized by the next adolescent breakdown. or what our presidential talk show host is going to do next.

I’m so glad to hear that you are connecting here and finding what you need to move forward. I can say that it post menopause is awesome! Just keep your eyes on that as you go through it to get there. A thought came to me after arfie brought it up. Your hormones are all out of whack when you’re going through peri and menopause. That could be what the extra ingredient may be that got stirred into the pot right now to cause the challenges you are going through. Just an idea, it may be helpful to see you doctor about the hormone changes. Maybe they can ease you through it. So glad that you joined us here. Best wishes moving forward.

 

[Survivor3]

Hello @Susan Jane , I used to dread waking up in absolute fear and panic. It was a living nightmare. I was fighting for a medication change which I eventually got and it changed my life. But before that happened, my life was a shitshow for decades.

How bad did it get? real bad. Alcoholism and a history of complex trauma, depression and anxiety. Everyone has their own story. I've been on here for several years and it was crucial in my recovery. I stopped drinking and smoking 4.5 years ago which was a godsend but it happened because I had a heart attack and nearly died.

As far as I'm concerned, acceptance of who you are and what happened to you is the first step of recovery but that's soooo hard and painful. Reaching out for help and the knockbacks that come with it until you find people that understand and get it...

The best revenge is good living. Baby steps of being kind to yourself and learning how to love yourself. I've never had kids so can't comment on that. Theres lots of supportive and smart people on here. They're very helpful .