Are there any last helpful things I can do?

[Anon1]

It sounds like you're finally giving yourself permission to let go—not just in your head, but in your heart. And that’s huge. I know what it’s like to hold onto something long after it’s over, not because I want to go back, but because some part of me keeps trying to make sense of it, to find some way to wrap it up in a way that feels fair. But life doesn’t always give us that.

What really stood out was when you said, “Since the day I cut her off I wondered, ‘Will I ever get in touch further down the line?’ And tonight is the first time I've really drifted over to ‘Actually... maybe I really, actually will just leave it.’” That shift is real. It’s the moment when you realize you don’t have to keep carrying the weight of what if, and that you can move forward without needing closure from anyone else.

I’ve had to do that too—maybe not in the exact same way, but with people who left lasting marks. I spent so much time analyzing, wondering if I was being too harsh or if things could have gone differently. But at some point, I had to accept that my healing wasn’t going to come from them. It had to come from me, from making peace with what is instead of waiting for what could have been.

It sounds like you’re getting to that place too. And you’re right—this doesn’t mean you don’t care about her or that you don’t understand her struggles. It just means that caring doesn’t mean you have to stay involved.

And that excitement you’re feeling? That’s what freedom feels like.

Yeah, thank you - I've found your posts really helpful!

I was saying to someone earlier today: I think when I'm just at the point of letting go fully, I'm finding myself doing one last little check on how things were left.

It never fully sat right that we couldn't find a way to end things more gently, or kindly, or neatly; especially for someone who'd been through so much and been cut off so often.

I guess it just wasn't that kind of situation at the time.

'Fully forgetting' means that how things were left is how things will always be (barring any movement from the other person, I guess).

When you don't like how things ended, that can be hard.

But the thing is - I feel way more peace than it looks like I do here.
I don't feel tortured over it, or particularly angsty.

I guess it cuts against my values to imagine that there'd be someone I might've hurt, and I'm just not going to do anything about that.

If mental health-related things weren't in the picture, it'd feel easier to reach out (but then things also probably wouldn't have reached this point anyway... and if it had, it'd be easier to feel that the bad behaviours came from solely from malice, and I reckon I'd have forgotten all about it earlier).

ANYWAY - those are my reflections.

The point of fully letting go comes with that little niggling challenge; but I don't want to overstate it either, or make it harder for myself than it has to be.

Talking about it tooo much may prove unhelpful in its own way.

We seem to have reached a consensus here :P which I'm grateful for.

I'm a theist, so for me it's now putting the whole situation into God's hands, and trusting for good outcomes for all concerned - it's not for me to manage the situation in any way, anymore. :)

 

[deno]

I really get what you’re saying. That last little check before fully letting go—it’s like your mind just won’t let you walk away without making sure you did the right thing. I’ve been there too, stuck between moving on and wondering if I could have handled things better. But the truth is, not every ending gets to be neat and gentle, no matter how much we want it to be.

The fact that this even weighs on you shows the kind of person you are. You don’t just cut people off without thinking about how it affects them. You care. But at some point, you have to accept that you did your best with what you knew at the time. And that’s all any of us can do. It’s okay to walk away now. Not because you don’t care, but because you deserve to be at peace too.

I’ve found that the more I talk about something, the more it keeps me stuck in it. But sometimes, getting those last thoughts out is what finally lets them go. And I think that’s where you’re at—ready to move forward, just making sure one last time. And that’s okay.

I really respect that you’re putting this in God’s hands. Letting go like that isn’t easy, but maybe that’s the real closure—not fixing the past, not making it perfect, but trusting that moving forward is enough. It sounds like you’re already doing that.

 

[Anon1]

I really get what you’re saying. That last little check before fully letting go—it’s like your mind just won’t let you walk away without making sure you did the right thing. I’ve been there too, stuck between moving on and wondering if I could have handled things better. But the truth is, not every ending gets to be neat and gentle, no matter how much we want it to be.

The fact that this even weighs on you shows the kind of person you are. You don’t just cut people off without thinking about how it affects them. You care. But at some point, you have to accept that you did your best with what you knew at the time. And that’s all any of us can do. It’s okay to walk away now. Not because you don’t care, but because you deserve to be at peace too.

I’ve found that the more I talk about something, the more it keeps me stuck in it. But sometimes, getting those last thoughts out is what finally lets them go. And I think that’s where you’re at—ready to move forward, just making sure one last time. And that’s okay.

I really respect that you’re putting this in God’s hands. Letting go like that isn’t easy, but maybe that’s the real closure—not fixing the past, not making it perfect, but trusting that moving forward is enough. It sounds like you’re already doing that.

Thank you - I really value and appreciate it :)

Yeah, I reckon I feel able to move forward now

 

[John L.]

I've read a part of your story, will read it more thoroughly later on. Your experience seems very much like what I experienced. It is incredibly hard and I still have a lot of doubts about what exactly happened. I hope you indeed are able to move forward. I'm not at that point yet but I hope therapy will help to get over my PTSS in order to be able to move on too.

 

[Anon1]

I've read a part of your story, will read it more thoroughly later on. Your experience seems very much like what I experienced. It is incredibly hard and I still have a lot of doubts about what exactly happened. I hope you indeed are able to move forward. I'm not at that point yet but I hope therapy will help to get over my PTSS in order to be able to move on too.

Sorry to hear things have been so hard!

If it helps - here's a quick update from me:

I did still struggle a little after writing my last post.

I went back to her city for a course I'm studying, and the course covered things which were quite relevant to her story (and also to the story of our relationship).

I won't say too much about that because I'm trying to keep things as anonymous as possible online.

But it was a painful weekend.

It was also helpful though - I had the opportunity to talk it through with a couple of good people.

One is a church leader who told me:

"Cutting her off may have been hurtful to her, but she also played the main role in creating a toxic dynamic with you, and now that's happened there's nothing you can do to help. Hopefully she'll have good people around her in the future, and she can heal - but it won't be through you."

And one or two other people reaffirmed the same thing separately.

I realised that I'd never consciously bought into the lie that I was responsible for her (I actually consciously rejected that idea, and tried to encourage her to stand on her own two feet as much as possible - which she often found hard, and it could cause arguments/tears etc).

But I did buy into it somewhere.

In truth, I found it really hard to see someone suffering as much as she seemed to be; and her childhood story really moved me a lot.

I never felt okay with cutting off someone that I saw as inherently vulnerable, when I all I wanted to do was to be able to be helpful *somehow* - even in a distant sort of way.

Then I realised... I didn't go on a first date with her thinking like that.

I went on a date with a pretty, very competent seeming girl who I just wanted to get to know better as an equal.

I didn't ask her to tell me any trauma stories (I didn't even know that she had them); I didn't ask to become an expert in a psychological condition; and I didn't ever consciously agree to become responsible for her.

I probably actually expected to go on a date or two, have a little fun, and - as usually happens - realise that we might not be right for each other (or she would've realised that maybe); and we'd have just said "No harm done" And continued our search for mr/mrs right :)

I even told her explicitly that I did fancy her; but that I'd like to stay friends for a while and get to know each other slowly (because of the distance)... and that's where she suddenly came on very strongly.

I guess I'm just saying - I didn't go looking to take on that kind of weight - to take on someone's trauma, and healing, and wellbeing, and flourishing... I just intended to date a nice girl, y'know?

And it's on me that it was allowed to get a bit carried away (I guess I was a bit blindsided or something), but it was never the plan that I went in with - it wasn't even on my radar that it could go the way it did.

So I don't need to carry any of that now. Not at all. It's not mine to carry.

I do *care* about her, I guess - I mean... of course I do, really.

But I'm also in absolutely no way responsible for her whatsoever.

She's a mature capable adult who can seek help, heal, reflect on her actions and behaviours, seek care from friends and relatives; and I have absolutely nothing that I can actually DO for her anyway.

Realising that - *really* realising it - has more-or-less completely removed that 'dart' which was still sticking in me over all of this, and keeping me somehow emotionally involved - even after time and distance.

Because I've realised - time and distance isn't enough to move on usually - you need to conceptualise the situation really accurately too, or else it'll stay churning inside you somewhere.

At least - that's what I've found for me, anyway.

I still might write that little note one day... who knows?

But I've realised that it'd only ever be right to write it once I'd truly, fully and completely moved out of all feelings around the situation.

And it'd have to come from exactly the right place, and be a really mature, clear-headed decision which I've made for a good, sober reason.

And if I don't, she's the only one who can heal anything connected to that situation anyway.

I care about it, but it's not mine to carry.

I now think about it with FAR less emotional involvement, and have sort of started to leave it behind.

I accidentally (while checking my blocked list for something else) saw her profile picture the other day... looks like there's a new guy now (since the guy who came directly after me and called and threatened me)... so that's sorta... three guys in the last year.

No judgement from me really, but I guess I'm just saying... seems like she's handling things in her own way, and she's not sitting at home crying over me - so I can relax even further, knowing that I don't really *need* to make it right for her. Y'know?

I don't know if that last bit is relevant, or just extra info, or maybe something I'm a tiny bit processing (but it doesn't feel particularly hurtful or difficult for me... more like a confirmation that maybe I really did get out at the right time).

I hope none of this sounds disrespectful towards her - it's not my heart to do that.

But yup - I don't owe her a thing, and we can both move on :)

----

If any of that is helpful; fantastic!

If it isn't helpful, please don't let me set you back at all - all situations are a bit different, after all :)

There's my brief, hastily written update - anyway!