Are there any last helpful things I can do?

[arfie]

But perhaps I'm assigning too much importance to cutting her off - maybe she wouldn't be too impacted by it, and it's just me overthinking it.

ruminating and over-thinking are synonyms in my book. in my own psychoses(pl), rumination is a guarantee of exaggerated importance.

and no matter how much i over-think a situation, i still can't predict the future or read minds. i don't know what will happen until it is in the past tense.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

Ultimately, it’s up to us to heal. With help, of course, but we can’t rely on people we’ve fallen out with, grown apart from, were abused by, etc. to give us the means to do it.

I understand where you’re coming from, but I think it’s best to leave it, she will not be blocked from getting better if you stay out of things now. It hurts to break things of for good with people we are/were close to, but it seems to be about finished from what I’m understanding. I think nature should run its course, then the sooner both of you can be/stay adjusted to the way things are now, and navigating recovering in the now current situation.

Some of us have been hurt by people who cannot apologise or offer any support. Maybe they’re dead, maybe they were too young to comprehend what they were doing, maybe we’re estranged from each-other… legally separated, lost contact, plain old nasty, unwilling to care or be responsible, list goes on. I bring this up because while the feeling of needing/wanting someone to say or do something supportive/closure/etc is very familiar to a lot of us, a big number of us won’t ever get that… not in the way/from the people we want it, and it can be really tough, but we do manage, get through, find our way.

I’m not saying this to compare you to an abuser, or to imply she even wants (or needs) you to do this. (Trying to mind-read sends me in circles forever). It’s just a perspective on the guilt you seem to be battling, and not wanting to in-effect doom her or set her back.

Personally, unless I was initiating, I think it would dredge up a lot of unnecessary things. You have no idea her perspective or feelings on while you were together and actively separating, now.

I’ve also separated from close friends who weren’t good for me, and later deeply regretted the way I did it and how I treated them, because it wasn’t all them, I was being unkind and unreasonable in the ways I did some of it, looking back it’s messy, and sad; I wish I said, did, explained xyz, before or during doing what I needed to. But that being said, I have opportunity to go back, maybe they would appreciate it, get some closure? But ultimately I don’t know, and it would be painful for me, because it’s right for it to be finished, appearing on their digital doorstep only to peel myself away again forever will complicate things further, scratch at the scab, and I don’t know if it would be worth the potential benefits, when so much time has passed, and opportunities for both sides to grow and change past it. Maybe I’m the horizon speck to them, too. Bringing back a poor time in both of our lives will hurt.


We grow, adapt, change. I hope that she is finding her way to improve and heal, as you have.

 

[Anon1]

Re-entangling yourself in her life doesn’t seem like a particularly kind thing to do, now that boundaries have been established and things have ended.

To be on the receiving end of “it’s still over, but I’ve got extra stuff to say to you…for your benefit…” is a very confusing message to someone who already struggles with instability in their relationships.

It sounds like this is coming from a kind place, but I’m not sure it would be a kind thing to be on the receiving end of.

The end of a relationship is closure. Nothing additional is required, and anything additional is probably entering into codependence territory.

Yeah, perhaps you're right.

To be on the receiving end of “it’s still over, but I’ve got extra stuff to say to you…for your benefit…”

This isn't exactly how I'd characterise the idea - it's more like:

"Now the dust has completely settled; I don't feel 100% comfortable with how things imploded, and it'd be nice all round to just... affirm that there's no deep, dark, hard feelings anywhere" - it feels nicer all round, for me too.

And for me to treat her as sort of 'toxic' and like someone 'to be cut off from' isn't really in line with how I'd actually like to treat her. It feels unfair, considering I was at least half of the relationship; and it's maybe a bit too easy to act like it was 'all her' and leave that as the closing dynamic - so she's the villain and I get to walk away with my head held high.

When actually, she has a diagnosed condition, and I'm the other person who chose to be there.

But to be fair - even at the time, I did say that I wished we could stay friends, but that it didn't seem to be helpful for either of us at that point.

So - maybe I did all I needed to do.

It seems like she was triggered and dysregulated while I was saying those things, so I have no idea if they landed as I wanted them to land, but... I suppose I can't really control that, either way.

Okay, well - that was helpful - thanks :)

 

[Anon1]

ruminating and over-thinking are synonyms in my book. in my own psychoses(pl), rumination is a guarantee of exaggerated importance.

and no matter how much i over-think a situation, i still can't predict the future or read minds. i don't know what will happen until it is in the past tense.

Yeah, true.

And she can always get in touch with me too, if I just take my hands completely off of the situation in every sense, and move completely forward.

I don't think she would... she seemed to find it very hard to apologise for anything, and very hard to do anything which would risk 'losing face', but... based on the replies here, me being pro-active in any way is risking more confusion, and it's possibly not even necessary.

 

[Sideways]

I totally hear what you’re saying, and I get that your intention is genuine, heartfelt, and very much trying to do the right thing.

And for me to treat her as sort of 'toxic' and like someone 'to be cut off from' isn't really in line with how I'd actually like to treat her.

The reality is this is what you did do. And now you’re past it. You live and you learn.

I don’t think it’s fair on her for you to reach out to essentially break up with her again, because the way you did it first time round wasn’t great. That may help you move on, but it’s really unfair on her.

She’s had a chance to get past the way things ended first time round. Let her get on with her life.

 

[Anon1]

Ultimately, it’s up to us to heal. With help, of course, but we can’t rely on people we’ve fallen out with, grown apart from, were abused by, etc. to give us the means to do it.

I understand where you’re coming from, but I think it’s best to leave it, she will not be blocked from getting better if you stay out of things now. It hurts to break things of for good with people we are/were close to, but it seems to be about finished from what I’m understanding. I think nature should run its course, then the sooner both of you can be/stay adjusted to the way things are now, and navigating recovering in the now current situation.

Some of us have been hurt by people who cannot apologise or offer any support. Maybe they’re dead, maybe they were too young to comprehend what they were doing, maybe we’re estranged from each-other… legally separated, lost contact, plain old nasty, unwilling to care or be responsible, list goes on. I bring this up because while the feeling of needing/wanting someone to say or do something supportive/closure/etc is very familiar to a lot of us, a big number of us won’t ever get that… not in the way/from the people we want it, and it can be really tough, but we do manage, get through, find our way.

I’m not saying this to compare you to an abuser, or to imply she even wants (or needs) you to do this. (Trying to mind-read sends me in circles forever). It’s just a perspective on the guilt you seem to be battling, and not wanting to in-effect doom her or set her back.

Personally, unless I was initiating, I think it would dredge up a lot of unnecessary things. You have no idea her perspective or feelings on while you were together and actively separating, now.

I’ve also separated from close friends who weren’t good for me, and later deeply regretted the way I did it and how I treated them, because it wasn’t all them, I was being unkind and unreasonable in the ways I did some of it, looking back it’s messy, and sad; I wish I said, did, explained xyz, before or during doing what I needed to. But that being said, I have opportunity to go back, maybe they would appreciate it, get some closure? But ultimately I don’t know, and it would be painful for me, because it’s right for it to be finished, appearing on their digital doorstep only to peel myself away again forever will complicate things further, scratch at the scab, and I don’t know if it would be worth the potential benefits, when so much time has passed, and opportunities for both sides to grow and change past it. Maybe I’m the horizon speck to them, too. Bringing back a poor time in both of our lives will hurt.


We grow, adapt, change. I hope that she is finding her way to improve and heal, as you have.

Aye, okay - I hear you!

At the end of your post there - that comment "Bringing back a poor time in both of our lives will hurt." - part of me wants to say "Gah, yeah but... things can be straightened out that way, maybe!"

But perhaps I also need to let go of a sense that things need to be resolved, or fixed, or sorted, or neatened, or straightened.

Maybe I have a thing in my brain that wants everything to be 'just so', and perhaps I need to square with the fact that life doesn't always give you that; and that not everyone even wants that (which is confusing to me, but apparently it's how things are sometimes).

Well - it doesn't feel like it costs too much to simply keep walking forward at this point - it actually feels quite natural to do that.

As long as I'm not being super cold and leaving someone languishing in the miserable assumption that I hate them; when I actually feel pretty okay, and I feel like I see things calmly now.

It's not that I feel that my opinion is 'just so important' to them - like, as if I really matter that much(!), but I know she's taken lots of things really hard in the past and it wouldn't be crazy to assume that she might take this equally as hard.

Still, if I'm not doing something which is deeply harmful or painful for someone with CPTSD/other mental health challenges; then I'll just keep walking forward and let it rest :)

 

[Anon1]

I totally hear what you’re saying, and I get that your intention is genuine, heartfelt, and very much trying to do the right thing.


The reality is this is what you did do. And now you’re past it. You live and you learn.

I don’t think it’s fair on her for you to reach out to essentially break up with her again, because the way you did it first time round wasn’t great. That may help you move on, but it’s really unfair on her.

She’s had a chance to get past the way things ended first time round. Let her get on with her life.

Well, yeah - true.

It's just a bit messy all round - I feel it probably *was* a harsh conclusion to end with her being cut off etc, and I'm not entirely comfortable with it.

But I also get it, because her behaviour was super confusing and it felt really hurtful at the time.
I won't go back into all of that stuff now, because... I don't know - maybe there's no need to; but she sure behaved unhelpfully at times (and 'unhelpfully' is kind of a euphemism, because sometimes it felt outright nasty - though I recognise she was probably in a bad place at the time).

Now I'm speaking from a birds-eye, distant view of the situation; then I was in the thick of it, trying to make sense of it all - with all of the emotions flying everywhere, and everything.

So... maybe the truth is that I wasn't even being a total idiot at the time.
Maybe I was being pretty sensible.

It'd be nice to feel like there's a way of 'reaching parity' now, so that it doesn't feel so much like 'shunning and shaming' someone.

But hey - I've heard everything you've said, I take it on board, and perhaps you're right - if nothing else, this ending is super clear, and perhaps that's the kindest thing to do considering the fact that I can't read her mind or know what the 'perfect way to a perfect outcome' would be.

I suppose the other side is to say:

"If she feels that I hate her/have shunned her/have shamed her/whatever - it's also within her power to question those thoughts and feelings, and reframe them as 'He might've just genuinely needed space and time to heal'."

It's not on me to control someone else's perception, is it?

^ I'll sit with that last line a bit - it feels like it's worth weighing up and reflecting on.

 

[deno]

It sounds like you're wrestling with the weight of responsibility—trying to balance kindness, closure, and what you owe someone versus what you owe yourself. I can relate to the pull of wanting to make things right, especially when the ending of a relationship feels messy. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to wrap things up neatly, thinking that if I just found the right words or took the right action, I could soften the impact for the other person.

But I’ve learned that sometimes, the best thing you can do is let go. Not because you don’t care, but because healing isn’t something you can manage for someone else. We can’t predict how they’ll interpret things, and honestly, we might be giving ourselves too much credit for how much our actions affect them.

If you’re feeling guilty, it might help to remind yourself that you did what you needed to do at the time. You didn’t act with malice—you acted out of self-preservation. And that’s okay. You can care about her struggle and still acknowledge that staying in touch might not actually help either of you.

One thing that stood out was when you said, "Maybe I have a thing in my brain that wants everything to be 'just so,' and perhaps I need to square with the fact that life doesn't always give you that." That hit home. I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that sometimes, there’s no perfect resolution. No clean bow to tie on the past. Just the choice to move forward, even if it’s imperfect.

It sounds like you’re already doing that. Maybe it’s okay to let this rest.

 

[Anon1]

It sounds like you're wrestling with the weight of responsibility—trying to balance kindness, closure, and what you owe someone versus what you owe yourself. I can relate to the pull of wanting to make things right, especially when the ending of a relationship feels messy. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to wrap things up neatly, thinking that if I just found the right words or took the right action, I could soften the impact for the other person.

But I’ve learned that sometimes, the best thing you can do is let go. Not because you don’t care, but because healing isn’t something you can manage for someone else. We can’t predict how they’ll interpret things, and honestly, we might be giving ourselves too much credit for how much our actions affect them.

If you’re feeling guilty, it might help to remind yourself that you did what you needed to do at the time. You didn’t act with malice—you acted out of self-preservation. And that’s okay. You can care about her struggle and still acknowledge that staying in touch might not actually help either of you.

One thing that stood out was when you said, "Maybe I have a thing in my brain that wants everything to be 'just so,' and perhaps I need to square with the fact that life doesn't always give you that." That hit home. I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that sometimes, there’s no perfect resolution. No clean bow to tie on the past. Just the choice to move forward, even if it’s imperfect.

It sounds like you’re already doing that. Maybe it’s okay to let this rest.

That's a really nice way to put it. You hit on exactly what I've been chewing over.
And there's a lot of wisdom in your post too, I think.

But I’ve learned that sometimes, the best thing you can do is let go. Not because you don’t care, but because healing isn’t something you can manage for someone else. We can’t predict how they’ll interpret things, and honestly, we might be giving ourselves too much credit for how much our actions affect them.

This here - I think you're right, you know.

Probably I am overstating my own influence, and probably I am trying to predict the unpredictable.

Firstly, in my experience, she literally is a bit unpredictable - and something could either be received exactly as intended, or it could go totally the opposite way.

Secondly, I can't imagine her being genuinely conciliatory towards me... I can only imagine her wanting to hook up, or hating me.

I don't think I ever heard her admit fault for anything in all the time we were together (except for very minor things, maybe).

I'm not passing judgement on her though - just saying that... the deeper things that I need to heal in my own life probably wouldn't be too impacted either way by whether I received a note from someone or not.

And I presume it'd be the same for her.

If I reflect on it... maybe I am still a shade torn about what happened that day.

I'd had a few months of people telling me that she was behaving abusively, as the context.

She didn't then do anything wrong by having a different boyfriend (which I said at the time); it was just the fact that it felt like she was almost deliberately keeping me on the hook by texting me frequently, without telling me he was there.
And then seeing it in the flesh, totally unexpectedly... I was devastated.

If she'd said "Ahh crap, I didn't mean for you to find out that way, I'm sorry!"
The situation may even have gone differently, but she was so casual about it too... there was zero recognition... just 'blank' in response.
(At least, that's very much how it seemed)

I think that could possibly have been a 'triggered' thing, because she would go kind of blank in those circumstances... so I don't blame her for that now.

I just knew I couldn't feel that 'unseen' by someone and still be okay with being in contact... it didn't feel like self-respect, y'know?

I have to admit, since the day I cut her off I wondered "Will I ever get in touch further down the line?"

And tonight is the first time I've really drifted over to "Actually... maybe I really, actually will just leave it."

I do care about her as a person, and I do recognise that so many of the negative behaviours I saw in her were almost certainly connected to her mental health stuff (maybe not all of them, but none of us are perfect anyway).

So - no blame from me here now, I don't think -

But it does feel really good to think that I can actually, really, genuinely, just close the door on it now.

And it actually feels really exciting, too!

 

[deno]

It sounds like you're finally giving yourself permission to let go—not just in your head, but in your heart. And that’s huge. I know what it’s like to hold onto something long after it’s over, not because I want to go back, but because some part of me keeps trying to make sense of it, to find some way to wrap it up in a way that feels fair. But life doesn’t always give us that.

What really stood out was when you said, “Since the day I cut her off I wondered, ‘Will I ever get in touch further down the line?’ And tonight is the first time I've really drifted over to ‘Actually... maybe I really, actually will just leave it.’” That shift is real. It’s the moment when you realize you don’t have to keep carrying the weight of what if, and that you can move forward without needing closure from anyone else.

I’ve had to do that too—maybe not in the exact same way, but with people who left lasting marks. I spent so much time analyzing, wondering if I was being too harsh or if things could have gone differently. But at some point, I had to accept that my healing wasn’t going to come from them. It had to come from me, from making peace with what is instead of waiting for what could have been.

It sounds like you’re getting to that place too. And you’re right—this doesn’t mean you don’t care about her or that you don’t understand her struggles. It just means that caring doesn’t mean you have to stay involved.

And that excitement you’re feeling? That’s what freedom feels like.

 

[nursenurse]

Agreeing with the naysayers, and this would go for any relationship. Any further contact would come off as obsessive from your end.

 

[Anon1]

Agreeing with the naysayers, and this would go for any relationship. Any further contact would come off as obsessive from your end.

Thanks for your thoughts!

I have to say, I'm surprised by the kind of... clear cut... view that a number of the posts have on this subject.

For me, it's felt greyer, and less certain.

That might partly be because - on the internet - no one knows me, the girl or the deeper specifics of the situation.

Or it might be for all kinds of other reasons (maybe being inside it makes it feel less clear, or any number of other options).

But whatever it is, it shows that there are different ways to view something like this - and it *certainly* shows that it's not predictable as to how it could be received.

In the absence of anyone saying "Yeah, I think that could actually be helpful..." I mean... I'll still discern what seems best to do; but it looks like it's going to be best to leave well alone, and to simply keep moving forward!