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i hug my therapist at the end of every session, and at the beginning the hug had a little distance, but now we hug full body and somewhat long (20-30 seconds) and i can’t even express how good this feels, it is like swimming in the warm ocean or something. i bury my face in his shoulder and...

interesting that so many of us with this problem can only have sex drunk. i have never had sober sex. the closest i came was not drinking enough to numb the pain and sticking through it.

yes, please do

yes absolutely

our stories are so similar. i dated him from 16-30 and went to the same college so we lived together from about 19-30. i was vulnerable from a trauma when i started dating him and he comforted me and acted like my protector. i am just so grateful i didn't marry him. he wanted to and would have...

thanks for this. my main issue to contend with is that i was in an abusive relationship from 16 into adulthood with someone my own age and never even realized he was so abusive until recently (he didn’t hit me but he did everything else). so it started when i was basically a kid and i stayed in...

hmm okay, that makes sense to think about it outside the first definition. i guess maybe my therapist was agreeing with me that i could have made better decisions, and when he said "self-forgiveness" he said it in that context, so when i think of it that's what i hear, but it makes more sense...

lately i’m thinking about self-compassion and self-forgiveness. therapy introduced me to both concepts and i feel i haven’t made progress on the latter. i’m curious about how you approach this. i understand self-compassion as a concept, but i am still confused about what to do with the guilt...

sometimes i wake up totally exhasted and sweating from a nightmare even if i get a full night of sleep. the past couple nights before i slept only 4 hrs and yet this morning i woke up after 7 hrs from a nightmare and could barely drag myself out of bed. i’m still walking around my house like a...

this is happening to me right now. i can feel the sensation in my genitals and a little bit of the pain. my skin is crawling and i feel the need to squirm. i need some time off from life.

yes this is the only way i can get aroused (by fantasizing about the abuse or being abused). and i think I subconsciously seek out abuse. it’s a horrible feeling.

i talked about my abuser in therapy and then that night i had a dream with my abuser in it. in the dream he wasn’t being violent but when i woke up i wasn’t able to move and it felt like someone was in the room holding my wrist tightly. i tried to lift my hand and i couldn’t. it was like pushing...

yes the weird thing to me is that part of the reason i trusted him was that he pointed out that a person had tested my boundaries and groomed me similar to the way predators groom children. i thought it was an astute reading of the situation that showed he understands what psychological...

i saw him today and he was so normal so now i’m wondering if i imagined everything. even though it was all gradual, i keep telling myself that. but after today i feel really crazy because he was professional in every way.

oh hmm ok. i didn’t think it was very unusual to go 15-20 min over or that it was a huge boundary issue. i just thought he thought i needed extra help :/

so this definitely seems like grooming to you? the only thing is he almost never compliments me or treats me like a “special” client (except that he does often give me 15-20 min extra time).

@joeylittle do you think this is concerning?

i think maybe we have a tendency to blame ourselves in whatever way we can for these things even though the professionals are the ones breaking the code, sometimes the law :(

thanks for the suggestion. i think at first i didn’t even realize it was what i was doing, seeking out abuse to re-enact but now i see that and i can see it happening with my therapist in a way i never had before. i’m seeing that the erotic transference is likely not because i see an idealized...

oh okay, when you were explaining what he meant about not being helpless i thought you were talking about all of it. i know i’m not helpless with him, i think that mostly it’s me wondering if it’s worth the stress, but a letter might be a good way to do that without the stress.

telling someone they shouldn’t have been drinking since they were raped when drunk isn’t about having a voice though. it’s saying that a decision you made led to your being raped by someone who targeted you. i did make myself vulnerable. he said i didnt deserve it. he said the right things...

wow that is really sick! mine has not laughed or made a chart, it’s been more subtle and also contradictory (i should have not drank, but it wasn’t my fault). i wonder if i stayed if it would escalate to the point he is laughing at me! i cant even imagine.

it’s ok i just didn’t know if you meant i was asking for it by not leaving at the first sign. it’s supposed to be a safe place to explore these things including submission because of the ethics code which is why i not only told him my traumas but also everything, that i seek out abuse and...

doesn’t “bottom control” mean i’m manipulating my therapist? broken wing seems to be about narcissists? i just told him about my rapes and other abuse thinking he was a safe person to tell. i can’t help that i feel attracted to a potentially abusive situation, i’ve never had a healthy sexual...

i just remembered something else weird. sometimes his metaphors are violent? one time he asked me what i would do if he stabbed me in the knee (it was i think about trauma wound healing) and another time he took a “magic wand” and the metaphor had something to do with him shattering my knee with...