therapist emotional/psychological abuse

[brokenpony]

i just remembered something else weird. sometimes his metaphors are violent? one time he asked me what i would do if he stabbed me in the knee (it was i think about trauma wound healing) and another time he took a “magic wand” and the metaphor had something to do with him shattering my knee with it. these feel like odd metaphors to use (ones that have him doing violence to a client)?

 

[Mach123]

This thread is really bothering me. I don't know how to say the things I want because I'm afraid to insult people and @brokenpony in particular but. The image I get here is the broken wing come on. I've done this (I'm always sort of doing it) and I heard it referred to here as "bottom control." Women are always doing this and then saying "oh it just happened I wasn't looking for it." You weren't? So you (meaning me) are sort of afraid of it but not really opposed to it because you wouldn't really be there if you were.

That being said he is supposed to know this, being in a position of power and dealing with sexual abuse but we all are supposed to know about this i think and not play with it. It's naughty. I didn't say don't do it, nor that you are "wrong or bad" I'm just saying.
So in other words if you are having mastrubatory fantasys about your therapist go ahead, but don't tell me your surprised if something happens. I do it with my therapist but she has no penis and that makes it much safer IMHO.

 

[brokenpony]

doesn’t “bottom control” mean i’m manipulating my therapist? broken wing seems to be about narcissists? i just told him about my rapes and other abuse thinking he was a safe person to tell. i can’t help that i feel attracted to a potentially abusive situation, i’ve never had a healthy sexual relationship and this is my pattern since the first time i was abused by an authority as a girl. this is why i’m in therapy and also single because i’m scared to date and end up with another abusive person.

 

[Mach123]

doesn’t “bottom control” mean i’m manipulating my therapist? broken wing seems to be about narcissists? i just told him about my rapes and other abuse thinking he was a safe person to tell. i can’t help that i feel attracted to a potentially abusive situation, i’ve never had a healthy sexual relationship and this is my pattern since the first time i was abused by an authority as a girl. this is why i’m in therapy and also single because i’m scared to date and end up with another abusive person.

Well I was afraid you'd feel like I was accusing you of something I'm not. I'm just telling you this is what happened to me and what I do or have done. Probably it has nothing to do with you but I'm saying, I wouldn't feel safe with any man based on what you are saying. That's my stuff and I said all that so, sorry if I rubbed you the wrong way. It is very hard stuff for me to write about because I've done it. I sat across from my male therapist and tried to talk about it. So you said " i can’t help that i feel attracted to a potentially abusive situation, i’ve never had a healthy sexual relationship and this is my pattern since the first time i was abused by an authority as a girl." That sums it up.

 

[brokenpony]

Well I was afraid you'd feel like I was accusing you of something I'm not. I'm just telling you this is what happened to me and what I do or have done. Probably it has nothing to do with you but I'm saying, I wouldn't feel safe with any man based on what you are saying. That's my stuff and I said all that so, sorry if I rubbed you the wrong way. It is very hard stuff for me to write about because I've done it. I sat across from my male therapist and tried to talk about it. So you said " i can’t help that i feel attracted to a potentially abusive situation, i’ve never had a healthy sexual relationship and this is my pattern since the first time i was abused by an authority as a girl." That sums it up.

it’s ok i just didn’t know if you meant i was asking for it by not leaving at the first sign. it’s supposed to be a safe place to explore these things including submission because of the ethics code which is why i not only told him my traumas but also everything, that i seek out abuse and masturbate to abuse fantasy and nemories. he asked me “so you’ve never been in a healthy relationship” and i said no and it feels like maybe he made note of that. :/ i think my next therapist will be a woman yeah.

 

[Mach123]

it’s ok i just didn’t know if you meant i was asking for it by not leaving at the first sign. it’s supposed to be a safe place to explore these things including submission because of the ethics code which is why i not only told him my traumas but also everything, that i seek out abuse and masturbate to abuse fantasy and nemories. he asked me “so you’ve never been in a healthy relationship” and i said no and it feels like maybe he made note of that. :/ i think my next therapist will be a woman yeah.

Yeah, I understand. I couldn't even say it for so long. Saying it even made me feel like "I was asking for it," which I was I mean I really was I spent years like that so it was really hard to get it out with someone. I actually am closing in on this part of it finally which I guess is why this has been bothering me so much, this thread I mean. It's great though thanks so much. It's hard stuff.

 

[hithere]

Once it took me months to spit the words out about a trauma, and his response was to stare at me with this look and he said, "so--. so what? So what he raped you. why did you even want to tell me that." These things have been very confusing to me.
your therapist does similar things that mine was doing (I wonder if it's the same therapist there are so many similarities) It caused me great harm-the sitting close-the mockery- He made a chart and I was to put some of the rapes on one column, then the other column put what I did to cause them, and the wording on that was "what I did that caused this that a normal person would not do" -- lots of little "slips" that he would then apologize for. right after sharing a traumatic event, I'm crying, I'm drying my eyes, I look at him and he is laughing at me. just laughing away. I didn't understand it. I didn't want to believe it was him. I was confused if it was just my messed up brain...

 

[brokenpony]

Once it took me months to spit the words out about a trauma, and his response was to stare at me with this look and he said, "so--. so what? So what he raped you. why did you even want to tell me that." These things have been very confusing to me.
your therapist does similar things that mine was doing (I wonder if it's the same therapist there are so many similarities) It caused me great harm-the sitting close-the mockery- He made a chart and I was to put some of the rapes on one column, then the other column put what I did to cause them, and the wording on that was "what I did that caused this that a normal person would not do" -- lots of little "slips" that he would then apologize for. right after sharing a traumatic event, I'm crying, I'm drying my eyes, I look at him and he is laughing at me. just laughing away. I didn't understand it. I didn't want to believe it was him. I was confused if it was just my messed up brain...

wow that is really sick! mine has not laughed or made a chart, it’s been more subtle and also contradictory (i should have not drank, but it wasn’t my fault). i wonder if i stayed if it would escalate to the point he is laughing at me! i cant even imagine.

 

[Justmehere]

Have you told him about your concerns? If not, how do you expect him to know you are concerned?

How are your PTSD symptoms doing through all of this? Are they improving?

Not saying you should stay with him. He’s got a weird focus on your knee. Kinda creepy. I think a consult with other therapists would be really valuable for you to see how other therapists do sessions. Then you can compare and make decisions with more info.

But it sounds like you may continue to see him to get the rush of possibly dangerous therapy. With all the work you two have done together, it seems worthwhile to go back once to let him know your concerns.

You are not helpless in the situation, and I think that’s something he’s trying to get at. You do have a voice. That doesn’t make trauma your fault. That’s not a contradiction. Both things are true. You can’t control others and their actions, but you can control you. Therapy is a good place to practice using one’s voice. You’ve done a good job sharing a lot of other information with him. Time to speak up about your concerns as well.

 

[Pitstop]

I feel safe and respected by my female trauma specialist having previously perpetuated unhealthy patterns and blurred boundaries with a male. It wasn't my fault, I have now learnt to make different choices. You deserve a safe place and clear boundaries with a therapist you feel comfortable with.

 

[brokenpony]

Have you told him about your concerns? If not, how do you expect him to know you are concerned?

How are your PTSD symptoms doing through all of this? Are they improving?

Not saying you should stay with him. He’s got a weird focus on your knee. Kinda creepy. I think a consult with other therapists would be really valuable for you to see how other therapists do sessions. Then you can compare and make decisions with more info.

But it sounds like you may continue to see him to get the rush of possibly dangerous therapy. With all the work you two have done together, it seems worthwhile to go back once to let him know your concerns.

You are not helpless in the situation, and I think that’s something he’s trying to get at. You do have a voice. That doesn’t make trauma your fault. That’s not a contradiction. Both things are true. You can’t control others and their actions, but you can control you. Therapy is a good place to practice using one’s voice. You’ve done a good job sharing a lot of other information with him. Time to speak up about your concerns as well.

telling someone they shouldn’t have been drinking since they were raped when drunk isn’t about having a voice though. it’s saying that a decision you made led to your being raped by someone who targeted you. i did make myself vulnerable. he said i didnt deserve it. he said the right things after. but the “shouldnt have been” really stung.

it’s hard for me to determine if my ptsd has imporved because it’s very new to me. i was diagnosed by him this summer after i shared some trauma with him and became insanely triggered to the point i almost checked myself into the psych ward because i had no idea what was happening to me.

with rhe other assault i mentioned, when he said we can only control ourselves it made logical sense and i said that. but i want to note that this was a fresh assault that had happened that week and i was very raw and confused about it especially because i was somewhat aroused and terrified at the same time and i couldnt even bring myself to tell him that. i couldnt bring myself to tell him that i wanted him to stop and escalate simultaneously. it wasn’t something from my past i was dredging up, it had literally just happened days before.

of course i wish i had spoken up and made a scene and gotten this person arrested but i didn’t because i always freeze since childhood. and i guess because a small part of me wanted it and i’m still not sure why and i was definitely traumatized by it. i understand that this isn’t a good response to being assaulted and that technically i can control my behavior and not others. i just already feel pretty bad about it and also disgusting.

but also if i stay it will be because i like him and i do like him. i like him a lot and until the touching started i was feeling okay about it still. and the touching i do like—he cradled my elbow area with his arm on my way out the door the other day and i wanted to hug him. but i just don’t know what’s happening in my head and if i should bail fast as others have said.

with the knee i guess it’s just the closest body part?

 

[Justmehere]

I agree with the comments about being drunk are inappropriate and wrong. Again, I think it’s time to consult with other therapists.

Freezing up is not a sign at you “wanted it.” It’s a survival mechanism when faced with trauma, and happens especially when one believes that they cannot escape or defend themsleves (fight or flight.) You probably learned in childhood that it was safer to be silent then.

Being aroused during a sexual assault is also not a sign you actually really wanted it. It’s a biological response to stimulus. Not your fault. Doesn’t make you disgusting at all. Just normal.

Did you give consent? That is what defines if you wanted it or not. It sounds like you didn’t say anything at all. I’m sorry the person proceeded anyhow. Not ok.

Stating you are not helpless with your therapist isn’t the same as stating you are to blame for the rapes.

Now is a good opportunity to begin to practice saying “no” and bringing up concerns about what you legitimately need to change or stop. It is safe now to have boundaries and therapy is a good place to practice them. If you go back, I hope you communicate your concerns. Verbally or in a letter. You have very valid concerns.