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Thank you for checking things out. Gives some perspective. And yeah hard to live by those rules when your norm is SI. Just because you have it. You won't necessarily carry it out every day and every time.

Acountability and why its needed for so many things in order to keep moving forward

Its like pre crisis you have to chain yourself to the living (others of course) to keep accountable. Though it feels at times like a guilt trip that you volunteered for. I feel like a total sh*t when I've been having a time of entertaining the idea of SI all day and my daughter seems to pick...

I think what an emergency is depends on your personal baseline. Mine would raise concearns if I called somewhere like freemartin did. Self destructive thoughts are part of my baseline and a pleasant surprise if I go through a day without them. So not an emergency. If I'm impaired ( drunk...

I'm trying to adjust to the new things in my life. Each thing will be a lot of work and I'm starting it all at beginner level. I have a few more days till my trauma anniversary is over. 8 more days and hopefully ill pull out of the worst of the depression.

Feeling down today. Waiting for my anti depressant to kick in. I'd just want to stay in bed honestly. But lying down and crying all day doesn't sound like fun either. I hate crying.

That's good that you were honest. It can help him to help you.

Thanks. I've had friends question what I've done to make them hate me so much. Family history says my mothers mother pretty much treated her like she didn't exist. Wouldn't touch her, hug her etc. Abuse runs in my family. I can only hope that it stops with me. My kids love me and aren't...

And some like my parents use religion as a tool to abuse others. And expect that the person they hurt will never talk about it due to religious shame. They and my neurologist made me have an abortion at 18. Then decided I'd spend every Sunday with other women's babies in the church nursery...

I've just been adopted by a sponsor in aa. I've never done this and I like her as a person. She asked if she could stay in touch with me and ended up being allowed to sponsor me.

Shes beautiful. Hope she is a good match for you.

I have rings on my fingers that I use to ground. I didn't have these as a child so sometimes touching them so that I notice them calms me. They are here and now.

Yes. Though going over family histories I've found abuse as well as mental health disorders run in both sides of my family. My father (untreated bipolar) beat my mother. My maternal grandmother (strong possibility for bipolar) treated my mother very badly. Who in turn is responsible for most...

I took control of a nightmare involving a former boss. He had ways of telling me that I was worthless to him without saying the words. I had quit the job because of it. I finally spoke up to him in a dream last night. I told him he's in my head because I had let him be and he's not welcome...

Going off vraylar and will try something else for my bipolar. Just hoping I don't have a bad manic episode before I see my aprn again.

Drinking a banana protein shake. Have a lot to manage and think I'm doing ok at it. See what next week brings.

Having a so far calm day after big loop of depression and crying yesterday for several different reasons. Last night at aa someone talked about being beaten by addiction and every time they said "beaten" I felt my hands being lifted above my head and being forced to my knees which is how my...

How to use my hypervigilence and some mania as advantages instead of things I avoid.

Hugs Tinyflame Trying to find a way to get my name change done sooner. I don't want to be chained to my reaction to my legal name anymore. I want to stop flinching. Stop feeling I'm being slapped.

Sitting in jeans I haven't worn in years.

Guinea pig. We had two of them before. Warm blanket or a good night of sleep?

That I'm hoping for at least stability this year. I need some peace somehow to keep myself going. To try to even find a reason that I do so that isn't for someone else but for me.

I realize that I've reached a point in my sobriety where I need help. I'm trying an aa meeting near me tonight. Hoping its not too religious. If this doesn't work out maybe ill see if I can find some group online. I need accountability, at least for a while.

I'm thinking of trying to quit having my drinking placebos so much. And the things I will have to do to help that happen. I need to get myself to stable first and I know I'm not there yet.

Feeling good today. Will go shopping with my daughter later. Supposedly more exercise will help my focus and mood.