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This morning, the local CBC Radio One had an interview, with a victim of extreme violence, by her date. A very prominent national host, on CBC Radio One. The violence described triggered memories, I had suppressed for decades, until today. My brother is trying to break down my bedroom door...

Over the past 4 weeks, I have been writing a letter, to my younger self, which I wish I had received, when I was 15 years old, before the summer of 1985. As a warning of the abuse that awaits us, from my younger brother. Well, yesterday, I finished writing it and the editing is done, today. I...

Not sure, how I should start this, concerning my relationship with my family, except it's complicated and filled with abuse (psychological and physical), which I have mentioned, in previous postings. Yesterday, my nurse practitioner asked me, several questions about, how I felt about my mom's...

Earlier, this evening, my SI rating rose, from 2.5-3.0 to 4.0, and I don't know, why. Yes, this morning, I had an appointment with my nurse practitioner, which we covered a lot of familiar ground that didn't trigger me. I do know, for the past week, my sense of uselessness and frustration. Just...

Hard to believe that January 2, 2014, marked my 1097th day, since my last suicide attempt, for me. A whole three years plus, I have manage to keep myself, above this dark impulse of mine. And almost three years, since my last black depression, which triggers my suicide attempt.

I find my anxiety levels spiking to near uncontrollable levels, approaching an anxiety attack level, for me, upon receiving the latest positive news for clinical help, in dealing with my various anxiety and stress related issues. Like I am waiting, for the other shoe to drop, telling me, I am a...

To those members, who are experiencing no heat or power, in eastern and central Canada and the eastern United States, as the result of last weekend's ice storms, you are not forgotten, during this time of family and compassion. I, myself, experienced 41:42 hours without heat or power, in my...

Today has been a very busy day, for me and my waiting lists, as I heard back from three of them. The first one concerns the waiting list for the vocal clinic (stuttering), they e-mailed me, to announce my first appointment is February 6th, at 9:30 am, but I would need to be, at the hospital...

Find myself, ashamed to write this, about the relationship, I had with my younger brother, especially, around Christmas Time, but I need to release these toxic feelings, which have accumulated over the first three decades of my life, with him. On December 16th (Monday night), I had a montage of...

Dear St Nicholas; I know You are busy Right now. But I ask you For this one special favour As my Christmas wish. A wish Which benefits Not only me But many others As well. And no I am not asking For world peace Or to the end of poverty. All worthy causes One can ask For the eradication...

One of my most dangerous flashbacks has return, once more, this morning. It has been several months, since I last experienced this. Where my younger brother physically attacks, both my mom and I, with anything, he could get his hands upon, in the kitchen. I can still hear, mom pleading with him...

Another winter is, upon me, and I find myself, battling depression and the weight gain, which happens, during this time of year. This has worsen, my constant struggle with my weight, yo-yoing, from being almost anorexic, to severely overweight, and my ability to control my glucose levels, as I...

Tomorrow is, Trans Remembrance Day (November 20), which the transcommunity remember those, whose lives end brutally, whether by their own actions (suicide or OD) or by the hand of others (murder). For me, this day is very powerful and emotionally charged, given my history of abuse and suicide...

During one of my support group meeting, this was brought up, about having a social worker, to help, in the navigating the local health system for help, as a transgender person. Myself, I find trying to access the local health system, frustrating, as many of the therapies offered, are group...

This afternoon, I started my research on SAD lightbox, in preparation of my meeting with my nurse practitioner, on Thursday morning. Sadly, I feel like, I have dived into the deep end of the pool, without knowing, how to swim. Can someone give me, a primer, on what I should be looking for, in a...

I have crossed the dividing line, which marks the beginning of my annual autumn depression, and my need for isolation. As my SI has gone, from being a mere passive background noise, to a more active but still passive voice, urging me, to poison myself, with chocolate, as I suffer an anaphylactic...

I know, Monday, October 14th, is Thanksgiving day, but I won't be on-line. So, I am taking this time, to wish all Canadian member, a happy and safe Thanksgiving, however, you may celebrate it. Myself, will be having a tofurkey with rice, and veggies, while my 3 cats, a bowl of pink salmon.

Last night, during my support group meeting, I let it, all hang out and told them, about my abusive past, in all of it’s gory detail, of the things, which happened with my family and the schoolyard bullies. In the past, I have shared snippet of the things that happened to me. Many of the women’s...

It is me, or do kids today, think they are entitled to everything? I had to argue with an 8 eight year old child, who believed that sitting in front of an express computer, means she doesn’t have to move, when her time has expired and I am asking her, politely, to use the said computer. She...

Am finding, today is, one of my worst days, of this year, for dark and harmful thoughts, towards myself and about my own past. It has been about 3 years, since I have felt like this. Not exactly suicidal, but if left unchecked, I know, I will become suicidal and try it, again. I can’t find the...

Since last Monday, when I had an hour long appointment, with my nurse practistioner, she has challenged me, to find support groups, which address my PTSD and the domestic violence, which I have experienced, at the hands of my younger brother and mom's acceptance, of his behaviour, towards me...

During two of my past three medical appointments, in the past 4 weeks, I have been asked, how am I feeling, regarding my suicidal ideation levels. I know, they are doing their jobs, in trying to gage me, but honestly, I am nowhere near being suicidal. Yes, I am having passive thoughts, about...

In today’s mail, I got a letter from my doctor’s office, telling me, when they have scheduled my first meeting with a psychiatrist, on December 4, 2013, at 9:30am. I should be doing cartwheels, all over the place, but instead, I trying to hold back my anger, over several things, which the letter...

In today’s mail, I received an information letter, from the voice clinic (for stuttering), at one of the teaching hospitals, in Toronto. I am, on their waiting listing, which means 8 weeks or sooner, if there is a cancellation by another patient, before I hear from them, about my first...

For, as long as, I can remember, I had problems with my low self-esteem and self-worth, from the aggressive verbal and physical abuse, while growing up, as a child and later on, with my life. Also, I am having trouble accepting simple compliments from people, who I know don’t have an agenda...