One Of My Most Violent Flashback Has Returned

[therisa]

One of my most dangerous flashbacks has return, once more, this morning. It has been several months, since I last experienced this. Where my younger brother physically attacks, both my mom and I, with anything, he could get his hands upon, in the kitchen. I can still hear, mom pleading with him, to stop, her voice, a mixture of pain and hysterics, but he responds, by swearing and increasing the pace of his attack, upon us. Taking a kitchen chair and using its aluminum legs, as a battering ram, on both of our bodies, targeting our ribs and backbone, changing his attack, to kicking us, when his 12 year old arms grew weary, of swinging the kitchen chair.

To this day, I have the kitchen floor tile burnt, into my memory, from the numerous times; he bounced my head off of the floor, a soft off-white (from countless washing) with rectangular black specks, throughout the nylon kitchen floor tile. Just a little over 28 years have passed since that attack happened, during the summer of 1985, when my dad was hospitalized, for his first heart attack.

There is more, to his violent outburst, but I can only recall, the different kinds of pain, as he worked my body over that afternoon. Nor do I remember how or why he stopped his assault, except I lay curled up, in a fetal position, on the kitchen floor, with mom crying, and my brother, nowhere to be seen. Emotionally, I feel shame and anger, every time, this flashback occurs, for my inability to protect mom and myself, from this, being the older sibling.

As I write this out, I am experiencing an anxiety backlash, throughout my entire body, as my limbs are trembling and feel like, they are made of lead. Not sure, how I was able to get dress and leave my apartment, this morning, but I have. As my need to flee, from the quiet safety of library, is getting beyond my control. It will take two to three days, before I am retain normal control over my body, after a very violent flashback, like this one.

 

[HelenB]

I am sorry to hear you have experienced such a horrible flashback and that you have had to go through this experience.

You were not at fault in this situation and I am really hoping you can find peace within yourself and realise that you are not to blame at all, and hope that you can find some ways to look after yourself and give yourself the things you do deserve now as you recover from all the things you have been through.

God Bless
Helen

 

[The Albatross]

It will take two to three days, before I am retain normal control over my body, after a very violent flashback, like this one.

Though past can give you a reasonable expectation of the future, it is not the stop all or end all. Exceptions and improvements can be made with repetition. Over time during my own events, I have noticed if I do some maintenance after a particularly violent event, like your flash back... I can sometimes cut the recuperation time necessary after the event. For tremors for instance, muscles can only do two things contract or extend. Sometimes I do a meditation component with a dash of autogenic training whereby I clench and hold muscle groups as long as I can as hard as I can each at a time and then let go and try to focus on feeling the sense of relaxation that rushes in.

Sometimes all I can do is hang on for the ride... other times post event, I try to focus on the management and put into practice things that might get me some more resiliency and a faster rebound.

Take care and try to turn your thoughts to management Therisa? :hug: Sometimes I wish the hug gif didn't wasn't smiling. Hang tough and each event is an opportunity to attempt progress somewhere... as it is not in our brains best interests to continually replay events "only" for us to continue the cycle of harm. Find benefit, or progress, or insight where you/I/we can. I believe it. Hope you recover soon gal.

 

[franciemarnie]

Gentle hug offered when ready or wanting. When I get a flashback and my body is back in time, I have to run or somehow let my body/limbic brain know I am not trapped anymore. I hope this passes quickly!

 

[arfie]

In the aftermath of an episode like this, I use the same self-care strategies I use when I am recovering from influenza. Eat well, lots of fluids and lots of rest. Be gentle with yourself. Hope it leads to healing.

 

[macca]

In the aftermath of this flashback, try not to blame yourself Therisa for being unable to protect your mother and yourself - it doesn't sound like it was possible, it sounds like even a very strong adult would have struggled to contain your brother, and quite possibly a few adults. A rage like that seems to create extra strength in the aggressor. It is NOT your fault that you both were hurt and terrorised, and NOT your fault that you could not prevent it. Hoping very much you feel better soon, allow yourself some time out if you can.

 

[therisa]

Thank you, @macca

Though past can give you a reasonable expectation of the future, it is not the stop all or end all. Exceptions and improvements can be made with repetition.

@The Albatross , my recovery from a violent flashback, like this one, has improved over the past 7 years, I have been experiencing it. At first, I couldn't move from my bed, for several hours, paralyzed by the anxiety, which accompanied the flashback, finding myself, housebound, for several days. This last flashback is my quickest recovery time, but still took 2 days, for me.

@franciemarnie and @arfie , thank you, for your encouraging thoughts and wishes.

@macca, I struggle with accepting the fact, I was riding a tsunami of rage, from my younger brother. I feel like, I have let my mom down, by my weakness, during this period of time.

For the record, I had mostly recovered from this flashback, to spent a very active Friday, doing shopping and taking care of month end needs. Permitting myself, to take half of Saturday and all of Sunday off, as recovery time, both physically and emotionally, for me.

 

[The Albatross]

It is good that you can see your progress Therisa. Small improvements are improvements none the less, very glad to read you experienced your quickest recovery time. Focusing on the rebound and acknowledging the improvement sure does help me when I have an episode. :tup: