Search results

:-) appreciate it, but I think at 61 and still working that ship and desire have sailed

In therapy it has come out multiple times how the fact that I never went to college has damaged me both in reality and in my mind. Let me first say that I come from a family steeped in education. My father graduated from Washington & Lee (he started college at 16) and a Masters from Columbia. My...

As I explore, this may be true. My T is really digging into my state of mind at the time and encouraging me to relive moments, push through my "Flashbulb" memories. It is very hard and there is so little that I can see beyond that moment. Putting little pieces of the puzzle together is painting...

Yesterday I had my regular weekly appointment with my T. I found that I was sick to my stomach (IBS Acting up) on Sunday most of the day. My appointment is at 12noon each week and all morning yesterday I was also sick and could not concentrate on work. After my session I felt like I had jsut run...

At least if I ran I would stand a chance but sitting there and letting the bear eat me is the weight I carry :-( I do appreciate the words of encouragement

This is probably true and I am trying very hard to punch through the images to see what follows, but not able to. Not sure if there are no memories to see or if I am blocking. As for forgiving myself, In therapy I am beginning to explore how to do this but it begins by exploring why I can't...

I feel your pain, literally. A couple of months ago I started having incredible pain running down my leg. After 2 weeks had an MRI and found a bulged disk that was pinching my Sciatica nerve. Had a small incision operation and today I am 100%. The only thing I would add is that while I was...

I disassociated my abuse for 45 years, I always knew it happened but shoved it so far down that I very rarely thought about it. Starting 5 years ago when I had a mental collapse and began getting treatment and for the first time learning about CSA I began to understand that throughout my life...

Of course they would not but that is the nature of being a survivor things don't make sense All of above is very possible, honestly my memories do not allow details into thinking at the time. My memories are more images that flash across my mind for a second or two followed often by very sick...

Interesting path but I believe what I might tell my kids I am unable to say to myself or believe. If I forgive myself for this and other ramifications that followed in my life then it leaves me in limbo, I have to admit my own responsibility for not trying to protect myself.

I understand this on an academic basis and would not hold my children responsible for anything they would have done or not done at that age, but that knowledge does not reduce my feeling responsible. I am learning that this has been my position on many things and I have blamed myself for various...

What I have heard over and over again in Therapy is that my not telling anyone that I was groomed and abused between 10-12 by a professional pedophile (family acquaintance) is not my fault. The problem is, I may be able to understand that from an academic perspective the voice in the pit of my...

I trusted my own perceptions for 45 years until I faced my CSA and then realized my perceptions which I trusted my whole life are twisted and inaccurate

Interesting way to put this. I am currently struggling with this now. My T is trying to teach me to forgive myself but I can't and part of the reason is tied to the fact that inside I then am giving all my damaging actions and thoughts an excuse to make myself not responsible, I can't do that. I...

I have sent this post to my T in advance of my Monday appt. I am hoping she can help me navigate this path but honestly part of me hopes she fails because even though I have to know to heal I have to believe there is a good reason I can't remember details

As I work my way through therapy it naturally opens up some memories, many that I have buried long ago. My memories from childhood are really mostly flashbacks as opposed to linear clear memories. The flashbacks themselves are usually accompanied by physical manifestations from a sick feeling in...

I guess this is how therapy works but I find myself slowly slipping into dark thoughts and can't concentrate. She is a very good T and specializes in childhood trauma but she is opening doors that have been closed for 45 years and I find myself unable to concentrate, which is very unusual for...

I have spoken here before about how other than my abuse by a family friend that my childhood was pretty normal................turns out not and I suspect I always knew it but disassociated. In sessions with my new T this is becoming more and more apparent. Let me say first, I deeply loved both...

In my case I have always felt unworthy to be "in the room" whether personal or business but have kept that bottled up with I suspect very little leaking out

As my brain cycles through feelings and emotions unearthed in Therapy it occurs to me that I am unable to show vulnerability. I suspect I have linked demonstrating vulnerability to my childhood abuse and assault by a pedophile. I am unable to cry or feel strong emotions or should I say unwilling...

Wow can only imagine. For 45 years when I buried the abuse and never told a sole without knowing it I was destroying my life with self blame but because I was disassociating I rarely had self doubt. Now that I have unpacked my abuse and recognized it starting 5 years ago I now suffer from...

I understand but I think I am beating myself up as much or more about my actions as an adult still being controlled by what happened to me as a kid. Decisions I made or more appropriately did not make. Of course the more I think about it and all the permutations the less clear the image, sort...

As I work my way down the road of recovery I am at the point where my T is telling me as well as all here "Your abuse at 10 is not your fault". My logical adult brain understands this but it is as if I have two brains because that second one is 100% sure it is my fault for never saying anything...

I want to thank the fellow travelers who have posted, it helps. I look forward to the day when I can look back from the other side of the tunnel

This is exactly what I do, I absolutely view my abuse and judge my inaction as athing.n adult not a 10yo child. I understand that no 10yo can be responsible for or contribute to abuse by an adult but it does not matter, I still feel horrible and guilty I never said any