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Such a helpful thread. I too have anxiety over these kinds of things and I do acknowledge that my anxiety just spins itself and attaches to what it can.
Green tea most days (instead of coffee) helps.
Meditation helps.
Focusing on my body helps.
My cats help.
Self-care helps. 💜
Your energy is full of love; I hope you can see that.
What I am hearing is that you are terrified of the worst-case scenario. There are always going to be pros with reuniting with an abuser - whether that is self-approval, society approval, or just some of the time they're likeable.
I met someone during covid who befriended. I fell in love with him and 2.5 years later he is still under my skin. I miss my friend so much, it's like torture.
I hope you will hold onto your boundaries. You matter. I would not let someone who did this to me back into my life, now. Before, I would have tried to 'help' them.